Hey I had double incision when I was 19, got reconstruction this year, im 23 as well :). I have posted about it few times and am willing to talk more about it with you if you'd like. If you have any questions, feel free to ask!

If you are in distress about it personally I'd put that concern first. I can tell in feel and look that they are not natural, but with keyhole the look should be helped a bit. And mine dosent look too exaggerated because I got 400cc under the muscle. I got tissue expanders, where they inject a harder implant with saline so the skin stretches, then I got the final implant. My bf told me he would have been okay with me staying flat, but he dosent mind my chest now either that's for sure. Even if they aren't my own they have their own beauty to them. He told me I should do it if I want to, not for him. That's how it should be, do it for you if you are going to. Peoples results differ because of band size and implant size, chest wall shape etc, but implants do create a breast mound, which has provided me some relief.

I recommend wearing silicone inserts in a pocket bra first before you go for more surgery. It made it easier for me to process what happened already, to get used to the feeling again, and to decide if getting implants would help and were right for me. Plus I could take them off if I was uncomfortable, then I found myself sleeping in them.

They will never be what I had, but they are something and make it easier to cope with what happened before. They look cute in clothes and push up bras, they get rid of phantom boob, and they make me feel "more womanly" in my relationship and otherwise. I'm less jealous of other women and stare less. And many other pros that came with me trying to accept I'm female.

The implants don't look too bad but even if they did, the benefits for me personally outweighs any potential negatives.

The process and results will seem daunting because of what you've been through already, that's totally natural, but I'm sure you will make the right decision for you, take your time and be kind with yourself, again I can't recommend enough the silicone inserts in a pocket bra thing! You'll be alright whatever you choose, if someone dosent like you how you are that's not your problem you are enough as you are 🥰

Rip off the bandaid, just do it. You can be as laid back about it as you want but how he reacts will tell you alot about who he is as a person. If he can't get past that he's probably not someone who you would want to date anyways. Trust me it's not worth overthinking it too hard. You deserve to be loved as you are, and someone who deserves you would be able to love you just as you are or see past that 💗

I know it's hard. I'm so very sorry you went so far. But you shouldn't hold it in. If you feel you can tell your work yet, I'd tell you mom. Id go have a heart to heart with her.

My dad was very supportive when I transitioned as well. But when I told him and my mom they were just thankful that I could tell them and that I accepted my sex.

I really wouldn't bottle this in. Your mom will be shocked, but I'm sure she will support you all the same. She will grieve with you, but that may just be what you need right now. I've cried with my mother and it was one of the best things I could have done in my detransition. It might help you a lot to just let it out with a loved one. Please just try, you don't deserve to be feeling this way alone, you deserve support ❤️

It's 3am here I'm so sorry if this is a bit rambly but you are not alone💜

I relate to this. Sadly there are many other people who have dealt with this. I've seen it in personal relationships I had and media.

First I try to find ways to honour, and connect with my "old self". Trauma therapy can help, even just acknowledging it is a good first step. I took and keep taking baby steps.

Everyday i have to try my best to reassure and comfot myself. Just slowly accepting I am female, there is no one way to be female. That trauma happened, and so did my medical and social transition. But I will be okay. And I am safe now.

Taking it one moment at a time. I let myself be angry. I let myself feel whatever emotion that anyone would feel when I'm in a safe place. But most of all once I let myself feel that Intense emotion I find time to find that relaxed feeling you spoke of. To let go. Maybe even to cry. (If I could) to take care of myself. To spend real time with myself.

Trust that feeling in you that maybe it went wrong, because although that's a hard idea to entertain it may be helpful to stop everything for a while (even if you chose to continue) to face your fears and dissociation to comfort your inner child as they say.

I stopped testosterone cold turkey and it was hard but you could do a supervised taper to take it slower if you had to. I'd recommend a taper to be honest. Although alot of changes are permanent there are ways to accept or lessen some of the effects(including time). I do have to shave alot though, but the body hair is thinner than it used to be.

In regards to top surgery i had tissue expanders placed and have had them in for a year to stretch my skin back out. Usually you only need them for a couple if months but I have taken my time at each stage to get used to the changes slowly. I've found it helpful because topsurgery and t felt like it happened so fast or I never fully actually accepted it all happened, a huge disconnect there. Even if I couldn't accept that before.

Regardless I really hope you trust your inner voice more. I too have been trying to. Trusting and accepting yourself and your body is harder to do when you have those experiences but it will be okay.

Again I'm sorry it might not be my best writing but you are not alone and everything will be okay💜 Keep connecting and talking it out with yourself and others but do remember to rest and take breaks as well it's alot to handle 💜

I'm sure many of us can relate. Although it gave us some peace and freedom for a time, it is an organ and we can never get it back. I wore silicone inserts in a pocket bra for a while. They sat and felt quite natural and sometimes I'd forget they weren't attached to me and sleep with them on. Those helped immensely.

I got reconstruction and the feeling of grief has lessened, though its still there every day, getting it done has at least helped with the phantom boob feeling I would get. The regret and pain is less constant and severe. Implants will never replace or look like what I had, but they are something, they have their own beauty to them. What I got dosent look unnatural even if my chest is broad and I had only some thin skin and muscle left there. I did have some fat on the top that helped. My nipple grafts still hurt but they stretched with the tissue expanders as did the aereola and look much better then before.

I'm less jealous of other women and i stare less. I went to victorias secret for the second time ever to get myself something nice. I've never owned a beige bra until now. It's the little things, I didn't know I'd want or miss until I lost them, but you can get them back. There is hope to gain a similar experience back, And to lessen the pain. Whether you go through it (surgery again) but in reverse one more time or not, there are things you can do physically and mentally to lessen the pain and grief, I'm sure you will find something that works for you.

It's okay it be angry or sad about this. Your feelings and pain are totally justified. I know it's been a long time but grief is still normal to feel. But don't let it hold you back from finding things that may bring you some relief. You will get through this ❤

Before I got implants I loved my pocket bra, I put silicone prosthesis in, and It looked and felt pretty real and comfortable and they stayed in place and off my skin. It really helped me feel confident in clothing and forget I didn't have them the longer I'd keep them on!

the bra I found comfortable

the prosthetic I used

So much. Too much

Being on and coming off t all of my cheeks became infected connected pimples, most of my face is now scar tissue. I often feel much older than I am. I sound like an old smoker or a teenage boy. My bones ache. My mental health got worse. Going on t was euphoric but coming off t was like hell for me personally. I had diahrea and vomiting, and I felt like I had the worst flu of my life but worse. Hot cold shaking and crying dizzy and nauseous. It was horrible. I had some atrophy which made my tissue sensitive and caused/allowed for tears. My substance use and self worth became out of control. I now have to deal with an enlarged genitalia which rubs on clothes and becomes less sensitive. It took time for my atrophy and lack of wetness to heal and I still struggle sometimes.

I'm lucky I wasn't on it for longer but, it took a long time to conceive, I feel lucky that I was able to. I had top surgery and can never feed my own child though. Because I was used to not getting a period I decided to get an IUD because I couldn't bear to deal with my cycle anymore.

I was just 18/19 and I don't think I was capable of making A mind and body altering decision like that. Although I insisted for a long time that I was. While some of it was positive for me at the time. It turned out to be a horrifying experience overall.

What I had seen in others medically, was terrible as well but I don't want to share someone else's medical stuff. But they were bad because of t and trauma. I hope they are okay but that kept going and we aren't friends so I can't say.

I think so. It could have been euphoric to you in some way. It could have felt freeing. You could have felt a deeper sense of self expression.. the reason dosent really matter though. That feeling is legitimate however you try and justify it :)

For me I don't see it as a second personality or a sign i should have kept transitioning, but as a part of me that will always be there. Who I was then is still with me now. Just like who I was when I was a young child I still a part of me. I personally don't call myself nonbinary but I can relate to the idea of being two spirit or something along those lines. I'm very happy to be detransitioned as well. To accept my physical body the way it came into the world. But I am also accepting of my past self throughout the years and how I might feel/have felt on the inside.

Our past experiences and perceptions of ourselves, helped us form who we are today, and that is a truly beautiful thing, whether the past or your perception/actions at the time was harmful or not, those experiences are just a part of who you were/are

It's okay to still love that part of you

I've been with my current bf for two years, he always knew me as flat before I got implants and he always told me it was my choice to get them or not. I made sure it was only my choice and not his. He only every knew me beforehand as completely flat so it was easy to talk about and he was used to me being that way. He was still attracted to me, and it wasn't a huge issue. If it was something he couldn't get past I wouldn't want to be with him anyway as he wouldn't like me for me or be mature enough to see past it and he wouldn't deserve me.

He did say recently he wishes I got slightly bigger ones r but I try to not take that to heart. i had wanted a bit bigger but there were problems with my surgeons and one said I could overfill the other said i couldn't. So.

But that was not the point. Regardless of if I had surgery or not again, I just wanted to feel confident in my body with myself and in my relationship.

I could only control my self acceptance not his opinion of it, that's the first thing that mattered, before us, it was all about loving myself how I was, it still is. I know that's cleche but it's very true in this situation as it is in any.

Thankyou for appreciating it, i always feel bad because my writing about it isn't always as coherent as I'd want it to be, as it's a very emotional, complicated, difficult personal subject. But I know how that feels, to be struggling over this how you were before when ftm but on another level. It comes with a whole other set of emotions and thoughts to deal with. It seems that I spent years "researching" topsurgery to be flat, then I spent years "researching" breast cancer reconstruction because I too had only seen a couple people talking about reconstruction post op ftmtf very few written experiences, and even less photos of the process.

I understand. I was more than hesitant. I was embarrassed and ashamed to go back to my gender specialist (he kept insisting maybe i am nonbinary, and maybe a flat chest is still good for me). I was grossed out by meeting another two cosmetic surgeons, I felt even more incoherent than I do when writing about this here, I just told them I was sorry for being a mess and that I didn't want to feel like Frankenstein anymore xD.

In the OR for my expanders last year things felt like they were going fast like it had in the first surgery. I had some flashbacks and I had a bit of a panic attack, but my anesthesiologist told me a few jokes and it helped. I also woke up bawling and looking down at my chest immediatley post op in the recovery room.

But this time I went in smiling, and came out shakey but jokey, much differently smiling than the first time. the computers at the hospital were acting up so I got to spend some time just laying in the OR awake and that really really helped. I listened to the beat of my heart on the monitors and did breathing exersizes, I told them about my previous experiences, they asked if I had concerns before starting(my concern was symmetry) my heart rate went up when the surgeon was close to me xD. They joked that they may not be good with technology but they are good at their job, and to let them do their job haha And I just told them how I was feeling, told them I was happy I wasn't crying and as the student put the mask to my face, my anesthesiologist had me imagine a beach and the waves warm and calming as I breathed my ears began to ring and I thanked them.

(-Before my "top surgery" as a 19 year old I was so sure I needed it that I lifted my head to chase the anesthesia mask with my face.-)

It may be embarrassing and alienating to detransition, but when you originally transitioned you were just doing what you knew was best for you at the time, the same applies here :)