My journey with gender started from a place of deep discomfort, but not necessarily with my body. I was born male, and my main issue was with the social expectations of what a man should be. I thought men were seen as creepy and bulky, and I admired women because I thought they were cooler and more respected. A lot of this was tied up in low self-esteem and a kind of internalized hatred for my own gender.

I decided to try HRT, thinking it might help me find peace. For the first eight months, it did seem to help my mental state. I felt calmer. But I never went through with a full social transition. I didn’t change my name or pronouns publicly, and I canceled plans for facial feminization surgery. I started to realize that my idea of womanhood was based on a fantasy, not reality. I didn't have many close women friends to ground me in what being a woman is actually like day-to-day.

A big turning point for me was questioning the medical side of things. I kept seeing people online talk about hormone therapy as if taking estrogen would make me biologically identical to a woman. I started to understand that it’s not the same; injecting synthetic hormones doesn't give you the same health profile or biological reality as someone who produces them naturally. This was a major wake-up call.

Seeing the experiences of female detransitioners also impacted me deeply. I read about women who regretted losing their breasts to mastectomy and were seeking reconstruction. It made me realize that for me, a potential desire to regain something like penis size or function after stopping hormones wouldn't be any different. These are defining features of our bodies, and altering them is a massive, permanent decision.

My transition was largely an act of escapism. I was trying to escape from being a man because I had a negative view of masculinity. I now see that my feelings were less about gender dysphoria and more about depression, anxiety, and a poor self-image. I benefited from stepping back from affirmative therapy and instead questioning why I felt the way I did.

I don’t regret exploring transition because it led me to a place of greater self-understanding. However, I do have regrets about not questioning my motivations more deeply from the start. I was influenced by online communities that presented transition as the only solution for anyone unhappy with gender roles. I now believe my path was more about finding peace with myself as a male person, rather than becoming a female person.

I stopped hormones after realizing they weren't the solution for me. I’m now focused on building a life where I can be a man on my own terms, without buying into the stereotypes I once hated.

Here is a timeline of my journey: