You are still very confused to be fair. You are so close, yet so far. That's at least how I read your story. '' I want my pronouns to be '' is Tumblr talk. That's not how the real world works. No one will '' guess'' you are bigender from seeing you wear this or that or doing this or that. The real world either calls you he or she. Xhe and Zhe and whatever are made up pronouns made up by utopists.

If you look like a woman in skater jeans you will just be seen as a good ol' tomboy. Not as some mystical non binary unicorn.

You are still maturing and still young though. Just stay off testosterone. It's clearly not for you. Call yourself whatever you want for the rest. Just don't amputate your boobs and don't continue T. You are one of the people for who this is a phase. One day you will be a matured adult and think to yourself : '' what was I even thinking back then ''.

I hope you find happiness and contentment.

There are many flaws in your thinking. A post op male to female transsexual doesn't have a female organ to start with. It's still a male organ. It has been inverted, that's all. But a post op neovagina is not a vagina by any means. It's a cavity that doesn't have the muscles, the self regulating PH balance and the self lubrication of a vagina. It's just a hole, nothing more.

Yes, SRS is irreversible but sex is also irreversible and immutable. Once you are born male you stay a male for your entire life. You can't become something else with a few cosmetic surgeries and a bunch of hormones. You can make men and women castrati (castrated ones) by means of drugs and surgeries but you can't turn them into the opposite sex. Most transsexuals realise that they are not real women or real men after their transition. That's why most of them continue to suffer dysphoria over reproductive issues etc. This is also the reason they keep having problems with dating. Because other people also recognise these problems in transsexuals.

So I believe that detransitioning as a male to female transsexual post op is the same as a man who lost his penis due to a bad injury.

You sound like a typical gay man to be honest. Your thoughts are very common in the gay community. Many gay men are obsessed with keeping their hairline perfect, not showing signs of aging and keeping perfect skin. There is a lot of competition in the gay community. A sort of hierarchy is made: twinks and jocks at the top. Effeminate obeses at the bottom.

But as a transsexual woman your dating chances will still be slim if you want to attract someone who will want a genuine relationship with you. Most guys who are open to transsexual women want to experience the shemale experience purely for giggles. They don't want to emotionally invest in trans women since those trans women lack the true biological functions of a woman. A truly heterosexual man will never want to build a family and longterm relationship with a trans woman. His sexual orientation will signal her as a male/man. Guys who are open to MtFs must be somewhere on the Kinsey scale already. Either consciously or subconsciously.

What you describe from your desires is '' Peter Pan syndrome '' which is very common for gay males.

To keep your hairline you could always use Finasteride or Dutasteride. Plenty of cis men who use it to keep their hairline intact with lots of success. Same with Minoxidil.

To keep your skin soft and glowy you don't even need estrogen. Moisturizing and exfoliating and regularly using anti-acne meds can accomplish the same.

Sex drive is a hit or miss. Not every cis man has a high sex drive. My sex drive was curbed by SSRIs.

Puberty blockers can have permanent effect of malformation of the bones. Something that's not really politically correct to talk about and something trans activists will eat you alive for for mentioning but puberty blockers are not as reversible as they want to claim. Mostly reversible, yes. Fully reversible is a whole another story. During puberty the brains mature. The frontal lobe. Puberty blockers delay maturation of the brain. So trans kids go into SRS at 18 with delayed cognitive maturation compared to their peers for who puberty wasn't halted.

If you stop HRT, your own body can be helped a little hand to start producing testosterone. A medicine used for this purpose is clomifene or clomid. I would recommend against testosterone injections since those would still make you dependent on exogenous hormones while suppressing the self regulation of your own endocrine system.

You are likely permanently infertile. That's something you need to learn to live with. As for the rest, yes you can develop in a more male direction. Testosterone will have powerful effects on you since your initial puberty was halted and you have never been exposed to the first big surge of testosterone like other detrans males. You will find your voice deepening, you might develop more prominent brow ridges and your mass eater muscles will be more defined making your jaw line look wider and sharper. You will also have less fat in the cheeks and the eye region will change. You will grow facial hair. Your genitalia will grow back to normal male proportion over time.

You can get electrolysis to remove the unwanted facial hair. You can learn to speak in a higher register to have a more feminine voice. You can wax body hair. You can refrain from using your penis which will also make it shrink over time ( anal stimulation as an alternative to regular masturbation). You can take Finasteride for your hairline.

You don't need to get a sex change to get the effects you want.

You are not going to kill yourself within ten years if you detransition. That's bullshit. Especially if you haven't had bottom surgery. Your own hormones will start up again, your body will get more sensitive to testosterone again. The boobs will deflate and look like man boobs which lots of guys have. Everything will revert. MtF HRT is not that powerful anyway. Your bone structure stays masculine as a MtF. FtM sometimes get changes in bone structure on T but MtF never get changes in bone structure. You will definitely pass again as a man with a bit of time. Estrogen has a tendency to cause bloating and swelling. That will go down if you stop HRT.

There is nothing wrong with being a guy and accepting your femininity. A healthier outlet would be crossdressing for you perhaps? Many gay and bi men let their inner woman out every now and then without wanting to become a woman. There is nothing wrong with being feminine as a guy or bisexual. Feminine guys sometimes tend to be the sweetest and most emotionally mature guys I have come across.

Nobody should bully you back into transition. Dump those types.

Paying a woman for a function that is so valuable that it can't be measured in money and not seeing the flaws in that is just pure misogyny. Plenty of women resort to surrogacy because they are desperate. Men taking advantage of that is disgusting. Despite having transitioned as a teenager, you still think like an entitled privileged man. Estrogen clearly did nothing to curb that.

To be honest reconstructive phalloplasty doesn't sound any better than accepting your mistake and keeping the neovagina. You never get your old penis back nor the functions that it had. They will have to take skin out of your thigh or arm again which will leave you with large scar tissue sites. You will again risk rejection by the body of the newly created organ which can result in necrosis or even complete loss of all sensivity. Your urethra will again have to be rerouted and will potentially give you more urological problems.

It's a mess whichever way you go after SRS has taken place. You can't truly go back and what you have now is subpar as well.

But I still think it's better to let your mind and body heal than to carve it up again with more useless surgery. Learn to accept yourself as a man who faced bad injury. Your DNA is encoded in every cell of your body. Surgeries don't make you something. Nature does. You don't need a cosmetic appendage made from arm tissue to reclaim your male identity. You never stopped being male. You already are and have always been male.

Whatever you decide, I hope you can heal.

No because I do not compare you to female standards. You are male, a man. You can't even be thought to fulfill the mother role. You either fulfill the father role or have no children at all.

There are infertile women but they still have mother instincts. They are different from transsexuals who want to fulfill the mother role because it fits their agenda, for self gratification. A woman wants to be a mother because it fulfills her instinct. A man pretending to be a woman wants to fulfill the mother role because it validates his fake identity.

That's the hard truth.

Of course no man would choose a man pretending to be a woman when they can go for a real woman.

Same with women who don't go for trans men. Why would she choose a woman who pretends to be a man when she can get an actual man?

People like authenticity. Transsexuals escape their authenticity by becoming a generic replica of something they want to be but will always fail to be.

The truth is hard sometimes.

I don't think that transsexuality is per se a mental disorder. I think it can be a mental disorder. It depends. I do believe some people were born with it and others were made this way. I do not believe that one can change their sex. So if a transsexual goes on HRT to cope with the dysphoria but clearly recognises that this will not change their sex truthfully, then I don't really consider them mentally ill. Just suffering and reaching for a coping mechanism. If someone believes that these hormones and operations will genuinely make them a woman then I believe they lack common sense and indeed suffer mental illness.

I also am very against SRS. It's just Mengele-medicine. I can see why someone would opt for HRT though.

I was dysphoric and opted for FFS. I didn't take hormones and never had SRS. The FFS made me cope much better with the dysphoria.

Context is everything. But whatever you do, you can't change your sex in the true sense of the word.