“Woke” means nothing but whatever is convenient for the person arguing either for or against a perspective.

If you want a more accurate description, don’t look at nebulous undefined terms like “woke”, look at identity politics instead. And look at who is peddling identity politics(the wealthy) and recognize that identity politics aren’t just representing historically marginalized identities, recognize that there are also white identity politics, Christian identity politics and male identity politics.

The enemy isn’t “woke” it’s capitalism, and nobody benefits more from identity politics than capitalists, because they keep working class people fighting over miniscule things like micro aggressions, terminology, sports, gay marriage, visibility and media representation etc..

I’m in my 30s and transitioned mid 20s, but even before transition “man” felt wrong. I never felt like a fact of who I was, the word always felt loaded with so many things I couldn’t live up to, I didn’t want to live up to, and even things I actively despised.

In the world around me, “Men or Man” was either:

1)a standard of courage, stoicism, strength, competence, individuality etc.. (to be contrasted with agreeableness, cooperative, nurturing, collectivist, thoughtful, emotionally intelligent)

or

2.) oppressive, perverse, dangerous, violent, aggressive, misogynistic, not to be trusted, privileged etc..

And I know I’m neither of those things. I feel like to be a man is to be seen and treated as either of those, and I don’t know which is worse. And if I try to “be a man” and still live by my values and desires I’ll always be on my own

I had pretty effeminate mannerisms before transitioning. But some people say that gay men’s effeminate mannerisms differ from female femininity, and I’m not sure if I could tell how. I walk with good posture, shoulders back, tummy sucked in, chest out, movement from the hips not the shoulders, but that’s just because it’s good posture and women tend to have good posture and men don’t, so it gets coded as feminine.

My boyfriend isn’t attracted to men, and he said he finds things like the way I talk with my hands or sit in chairs to be really feminine, but like again, I feel like most women don’t do that. I feel like I have gay effeminacy, and I don’t know how well it translates to my body, which is more often perceived as female than male.

I’ve had a lot of conversations with my boyfriend about this, and he tries to reassure me that he would still love me if I detransitioned. I told him the feminine behaviors and grooming habits will always remain, and I will fight my fathers hair loss genetics with all medications necessary (I have beautiful hair and it would destroy my confidence to lose it) but like, I’m not sure if he’s going to like the effect testosterone on my body if I detransition. So many subtle things add up to form attraction, body odor, fat distribution, skin softness, softness of facial features etc.. and I’m terrified if I lose those I will lose him and will lose all possibilities of having love in my life.

I can probably maintain a masculine persona as a sacrifice to have a relationship with a gay man, but I hate gay male culture so much, specifically around sex and dating. I’m very monogamous, I am very emotionally affected by sex, and I prefer relationships the way most heterosexuals have relationships, as in when straight couples get together, men put female friends at arms length and women put male friends at arms length so their partners feel secure.

I also like clearly designated gender roles. He should be masculine, dominant, strong, top, he should be competent with tools, vehicles, household repairs, and cutting firewood and keeping the wood stove going, and I maintain feminine standards, sub bottom in bed, and do the cooking, cleaning, home decor and gardening, plan out our social events, etc… some will say I’m sexist, but I don’t value either role as inherently more important, I just see them as complimentary, structured and stable. It’s not like a fetish/kink thing, there is a sexual element to it obviously, but it’s overall what feels safe and stable because when I look to the world around me, that what is safe and stable for everyone else.

I don’t really care about this one message, but I feel like if I am able to process and work through things around my transition, I need to talk about some personal stuff that can get picked up by the truly hateful lurkers and used against me.

I’ve been trying to find a non-trans affirming therapist for a year with no luck

The internet is full of toxicity

All my friends are cisgender and with the exception of one gay guy, heterosexual.

It’s like… where is theee to even go

I wouldn’t say I’m basing my choice off of someone else’s sexual preferences, they are my preferences as well. I prefer a heteronormative relationship style, it’s what feels most comfortable and stable for me. And even if it has certain drawbacks, I think it’s valid to make changes and sacrifices for the sake of a relationship. I think if I were more committed to just being who I wanted to be above all else, I would be both unemployable and undesirable as a partner.

We’ve talked about when we move we will just keep our relationship completely private in our professional and new social lives, and I’ll perma-boy mode in public, except on the occasions I’ll get dolled up enough to not get clocked for a special date night.

Im more so just concerned with how well I’ll be able to pass as cis male in public and not be perceived as a trans woman, while still maintaining enough of the effects of medical feminization for our relationship to function.

Thanks, Why does it feel so crazy? Even if you called me an “adult human male” i would have zero emotional reaction, but “man” feels so much more loaded and heavy. I truly never saw myself as a “woman” either, just a “trans woman” because “woman” alone felt equally off the table for who I could be in this world.

If “man” meant “adult human male” and ONLY that, it would be a different story. But it just doesn’t.

I care what other people think because I don’t want to be alone in life.

I think our society places too much emphasis on individualism and free expression as a stand in for pro-social deep ties to community, and I think our society does that specifically because alienated individualists are great consumers.