This story is from the comments listed below, summarised by AI.
Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious
Based on the provided comments, the account appears authentic. There are no serious red flags suggesting it is a bot or a bad-faith actor.
The comments show:
- Consistent, nuanced personal history (e.g., detailed stories about high school, military service, marriage, and therapy).
- Emotional depth and vulnerability that is difficult to fabricate consistently.
- Varied, on-topic engagement that offers support, personal anecdotes, and opinion, matching the passionate and often hurt perspective of genuine detransitioners/desisters.
The user identifies as female and describes a journey of desisting from a masculine identity, which aligns with the community's purpose without requiring medical transition.
About me
I never felt like I fit in with other girls growing up and always felt more manly, so I started identifying as non-binary. After joining the military and falling in love with a woman, I began to appreciate femininity in myself and others. Through therapy, I realized my discomfort wasn't with being female, but with low self-esteem and how society treats women. Moving to Italy showed me my issues were external, not something wrong with my body. I'm now comfortable living as a masculine lesbian woman and I'm grateful I didn't make any permanent changes.
My detransition story
My whole journey with gender started from a place of just not fitting in. Growing up, I never felt comfortable around other girls. I had a twin brother and I always felt more manly. I didn't get the girly things like makeup or wearing form-fitting clothes. I think a big part of it was that I hated being sexualized, so I hid my body.
After high school, I joined the military and for the first time, I was around a lot of lesbians. I ended up falling in love with and marrying a woman. She was my first same-sex relationship and it completely changed my perspective. Being with her taught me how to appreciate other women, and eventually, I learned to appreciate those same feminine things in myself. I realized that a lot of my discomfort wasn't about being a woman; it was about not feeling like I was the right kind of woman. I didn't belong with the super girly girls, and that was okay. I learned to own my own mix of masculinity and femininity.
Looking back, I see how influential the environment and the times were. When I was in high school in the early 2000s, it felt like every other girl was coming out as bisexual. Social media has ramped that up a thousand times in the last decade. It makes everything a trend, and it's so easy for young, impressionable people to get wrapped up in a narrative. They're going through so many changes and just want to be accepted. I see now that some of my own feelings were part of that search for belonging. It's scary to think how many young people are making permanent changes based on that without getting a chance to develop naturally.
I never took hormones or had any surgeries, so my transition was entirely social. I identified as non-binary for a while as I was figuring things out. But through a lot of self-reflection, and especially after two years of cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), I got really vulnerable with myself. I challenged those "strongly held beliefs" I had about myself and my identity. That therapy was crucial for me; it was non-affirming in the sense that it didn't just affirm a trans identity, but helped me dig into the why behind my thoughts. It helped me shift my thought patterns over time.
My thoughts on gender now are that it's complex, but for me, it wasn't the solution. I don't believe my problem was actually with being a woman. It was with low self-esteem, anxiety, and not liking how society treats women. I moved to Italy and saw how different it could be—women here are free to be feminine without the constant fear of being catcalled. That experience really cemented for me that my issues were external, not something wrong with my body.
I don't regret exploring my identity because it led me to a better understanding of myself. But I do regret not questioning my feelings more deeply sooner. I'm grateful I didn't make any permanent changes to my body that I couldn't take back. I'm now comfortable living as a woman, a lesbian woman who is just a bit more masculine in how she presents herself. And that's perfectly okay.
| Age | Event |
|---|---|
| Throughout childhood | Felt uncomfortable around other girls, preferred more masculine things, hated puberty changes and being sexualized. |
| Age 14-18 (High School 2002-2006) | Saw many female peers identify as bisexual; was part of my social environment but didn't personally explore it yet. |
| Age 27 (Joined military in 2015) | Was exposed to a large lesbian community for the first time. |
| Age 28 | Started dating then married a woman; my first same-sex relationship. This began my journey of self-acceptance. |
| Age 30 | Underwent two years of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) to address underlying issues and challenge my thought patterns. |
| Age 32 | Moved to Italy; the cultural difference in how women are treated was a major catalyst in understanding my discomfort was external. |
| Present (Age 35) | Comfortably living as a lesbian woman, embracing my unique mix of masculine and feminine traits. |
Top Comments by /u/Smiggidyo0o0o:
I wonder what it was, like the exact thought that was the catalyst for your decision. It's fascinating to me that some people kinda have these aha moments. I experienced something similar when I was younger and NOT living a life that would lead me in a good direction, I saw myself in the mirror and just KNEW instantly that if I kept living that way I was going to end up in a bad way. It was like a metaphorical cross roads and I actually got to make a conscious decision that day. Mind you, it took me YEARS to finally get to a really good point, but TIME is your only obstacle. I'm really happy for you and I hope you're able to express yourself and identify in a way that makes you feel whole
Those aren't the kind of people you want in your life anyway. There are people out there who will accept you for you, but also keep in mind that maybe there are people avoiding you so they don't offend you since there's a lot of people in the trans community who are going viral for being misgendered and trying to ruin people's lives for it. It's unfortunate on all sides. I hope you find comfort in who you are and find a way to be confident in it.
The trans movement and terms that came along with it like cis and all the sexuality terms or gender terms, really haven't been so prevalent in society until the last 10 years or so. Prior to that, there were always gay, bisexual, transgender etc. but either you knew people like that and had them as friends, or it just wasn't in your area or you decided to choose different company. I was in highschool from 2002-2006 and during this time, probably around the '03-'04 timeframe, there seemed to be a LOT of females coming out as bi-curious or bisexual or lesbian. There were gay men at our school too, but I guess I saw it more in my female friends. Mind you, this is in a well diverse area outside of Washington DC, not a small town or something. After highschool I had friends who were drag queens and did shows in Delaware, and who I learned a lot from as far as the gay community was concerned. I joined the military in 2015 shortly after dont ask dont tell was ended and I had never in my life been so exposed to so many lesbians. I ended up falling in love with another female (I'm female for ref) and we got married. She was the first person I had ever been with of the same sex and we stayed married for 4 years. I saw her struggle a LOT with her own identity and she absolutely wanted to like men but she couldn't allow herself to feel that way, she had a lot of trauma growing up. I'm rambling. I say all of this to say that I've seen thing ramp up SO quickly over the last 5-10 years. Social media has made it VERY easy to get a message out into the open and shared with millions of people. Children and young teens and young adults are impressionable, they want to be accepted, they're going through so many social and hormonal changes, etc. The thing that has made all of this "trendy" or a fad to fit in, is social media. I have NO idea how it would be to grow up in this type of society and risk being alienated if I didn't agree with what all my peers were doing, saying or acting like. But THIS is not sustainable and you can see how quickly so many young people are starting to truly understand that. Some of these young adults never got the change to let themselves develop through their natural process and they can NEVER get that back. Its very concerning. Then on top of that the "support" that they have all seems to be online which changes monumentally every single day/week/month. I think the people who stick to their own ideals and ways of life and don't hop on every trend train that comes by, are the ones who will help get others back to a stable footing. It's not really anyones fault, the mind is fragile and vulnerable and if you're not careful you can quickly and easily get wrapped up in a narrative or group that really isn't looking out for your best interest. CBT dives deep into "strongly held beliefs" and challenging those repeating thoughts that you always tell yourself, never be afraid to challenge yourself and your thoughts and see things from many different angles, nobody else can do that for you.
I can only imagine the reoccurring gut feelings you get from this, and I'm sorry that it feels like it's something you'll never get over. It's heartbreaking to see what's happening and especially because it's such a new, wide-spread issue that has never really been dealt with before. I hope that science and medicine can catch up and possibly find a way to "undo" what has been done. I don't want to be. too optimistic but MAYBE, over time, your body will re-regulate itself and soften some of those features.
I see some feminine features in your cheeks eyes hands and nose but I think the brows, hair and button up make you look androgynous. Just take it a day at a time until you start feeling more comfortable with yourself and femininity, one size doesn't fit all so you can pick and choose what feels best for you
I think time is your biggest obstacle here. I often wonder if taking HRT for your original sex would help retransition but from what I've read, it doesn't work like that. I don't want to boil what you're going through down into a VERY simple analogy, but it's kinda like if you have always had long hair and you finally get that short cut you wanted to try but you HATE it and have to go through that awkward phase of growing it back out, where it won't fit into a pony tail, can't really style it well, etc. It just takes time and maybe focus on one or two main personality or physical traits that you think would make you truly happy to change.
I did two years of CBT cognitive behavioural therapy and I REALLY got vulnerable with myself and therapist and did the work and I really think it helped me shift my thought patterns over time which has helped me shift aspects of my life.
I feel bad that you're struggling, especially the amount of time you spent living as a man, I can only imagine how jumbled up the world/life must feel everyday. Keep venting and moving forward
You wanna know something crazy? I went a LONG time never feeling comfortable around other girls or women growing up. I never felt girly enough, didn't understand loving make up or figure flattering clothing, going to the bathroom together etc. I just felt manly. I grew up with a twin brother which played a big part but I also wasn't comfortable being sexualised so I hated form fitting clothes. Fast forward after many failed relationships with guys, I dated then married the first girl/woman I was ever with and it changed my life. I learned how appreciate other women, I was comfortable admitting to myself that there were things about the same sex that I loved, then I found loving those same things in myself. I don't really know what to do with that information except just saying that I can 100% relate to that feeling of not belonging. Although I still wouldn't feel comfortable around REALLY girly girls, I also wouldn't be intimidated or completely turned away, I'd just want to learn how/why they are the way they are and find something to appreciate about it. Honestly, my type of personality comes of very dominant and to some women can be intimidating, but if that's YOU, just own it and sit in confidence in your mixture if masculinity and femininity, honestly I think there's something so beautiful about that.
That's amazing that it sounds like you got the support that you've needed. Sticking to what is important to you, like keeping your chosen name, is SUCH an important part of setting boundaries and hopefully that type of perseverance will keep you moving in the direction that you want to go in life <3
When I moved from the states to Italy the FIRST thing I noticed was how the men here did NOT catcall or sexualize women. It's been an amazing experience because the women out here are so free to be feminine and show their beauty without having to worry about all the crap that guys in the states do. I can't figure out WHY it's like that either but it scares me to come back stateside because it's everywhere you go. Proud of you for feeling ok with the path you chose and being able to embrace that journey you went through, I think you could be a great support for others who have been through similar situations