My whole journey with gender has been long and confusing, and I'm still figuring it out. I was born female, but I never felt like I fit in with other girls, especially during puberty. I spent most of my childhood alone or hanging out with boys. I hated the changes in my body, especially developing breasts; it felt foreign and wrong. This discomfort, along with a lot of depression and anxiety, made me look for an escape.

I transitioned young. I think a lot of my initial push to transition was a form of escapism from my body issues and low self-esteem. I started living as a man, and for a while, it felt like a solution. I changed my name, and my ID still says male because I haven't had the chance to change it back yet. I took testosterone for a significant amount of time. I eventually got top surgery, which I don't regret. It resolved the intense physical dysphoria I had about my chest.

But after years of living as a man, I realized I wasn't addressing the deeper issues. My feelings started to change. A year and a half ago, I decided to detransition and try to live as a woman again. I tried to pass as a woman with makeup and by telling people I was female. But I had some really shitty, negative interactions that destroyed my confidence. It made me so insecure that I actually went back to presenting as a man again for about half a year. I regretted that decision too, so I detransitioned for a second time.

Now, I'm in a kind of in-between state. I guess I "boymode" because I don't have the confidence to try and pass as a woman in my everyday life. I dress and sound male—I won't do any voice training—because it's what feels natural to me. I probably won't change how I dress or talk. I think I'll wait until my ID is officially changed back to female before I start asking people to identify me as a woman socially.

A big part of my struggle now is social. I have a girlfriend, and through her, I'm seeing what I missed. I've never experienced that feeling of inclusion and special bond between women. She explains how women will randomly compliment each other or help each other out in the bathroom. I keep having experiences where I get ignored in those situations. In groups, if someone needs to borrow something, they’ll ask all my other female friends but never me. It makes me feel incredibly sad and hopeless, like I’m on the outside looking in. My girlfriend and friends tell me I look fine and pass, so it’s confusing and makes me feel like I'm going crazy. We've talked about it, and she thinks it might be because I'm gender-nonconforming and that maybe people in straight clubs aren't as comfortable with that. It might be different in spaces with more gay people.

I've benefited from stepping back from it all. My advice to others is to really self-reflect. Remove any media that triggers your dysphoria or euphoria. Try to get to a point where your dysphoria is only triggered by unavoidable things. Use affirmations, journal, and analyze your feelings. Find coping mechanisms that aren't destructive. Talk to a therapist and to people who have learned to live with these feelings. Focus on the things you can control and that make life worth living. It’s okay to grieve the life you thought you’d have.

I don't regret my top surgery, as it solved a major point of physical distress for me. But I do have some regrets about my overall transition. I think I moved too fast and didn't understand all the reasons behind my feelings. Now, I'm trying to find a way to just be myself, without such strict labels, and to finally feel comfortable in my own skin.