This story is from the comments listed below, summarised by AI.
Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious
Based on the provided comments, the account appears authentic. There are no serious red flags suggesting it is a bot or inauthentic.
The user shares a highly detailed, nuanced, and emotionally raw personal history that includes specific, non-cliché experiences (e.g., the shift in AGP, the impact of progesterone, the specific timeline). The narrative is internally consistent and reflects the complex, often contradictory feelings common in detransition stories, including grief, regret, and confusion. The passion and anger present are consistent with a genuine person who has been harmed.
About me
I wanted to be a girl since I was a kid, a feeling that grew after a traumatic assault in my all-boys school. I tried for years to be hyper-masculine, which led to severe depression, so I transitioned at 25 to find relief. I had surgeries, started passing, and found a boyfriend, but now it all feels empty and like a distraction from my deeper problems. I'm realizing this life brings new anxieties, and I have to lie about my past to stay stealth. My body is permanently changed, and I'm now filled with confusion, sometimes even leaving the house presenting as a man again.
My detransition story
My journey with transition started when I was a kid. From around the age of 10, I wanted to be a girl. All my friends in primary school were girls, and I felt soft and gentle like them. I thought I would fit in better as a girl. I would even pray at night that I’d wake up as one. I’d crossdress at home when my parents weren’t around, but it wasn’t sexual at all back then.
Things got more complicated when I hit puberty. I started going to an all-boys Catholic secondary school, and I hated it. It was a really traumatic time for me; I can barely remember a few years of it. Most of my friends had been girls, and suddenly I was surrounded only by guys. Around this same time, I was sexually assaulted by one of the priests at the school. It was never taken seriously, and that was awful. I was so embarrassed it happened to me and not someone else. I had this messed-up thought process as a kid that he singled me out because I was having thoughts about being a girl, and that I somehow deserved it. That experience really messed me up.
I also started to feel a deep discomfort with puberty. I looked at the grown men in my life, like my dad and uncles, and their lives seemed so stressful and unhappy. I was afraid of growing up to be like that. People used to say I looked like my mother, which I liked, but in my late teens, they started saying I looked like my dad, and that really upset me. I respect my dad, but I never wanted to be him.
Between 13 and 17, the desire to be a girl was still there, but I knew it wasn’t possible. My sexuality developed, and I started having a lot of autogynephilic (AGP) fantasies. The turn-on was the idea of being desirable to a straight man, not necessarily being attracted to the man himself. I also realised I was attracted to men, but I rebelled against the idea of being a gay man because of the sexual assault. Crossdressing became very sexual during this period.
From 17 to 25, I tried my absolute hardest to be a man. I quit crossdressing and tried to suppress all the AGP thoughts. I had a few girlfriends, even though I wasn’t really straight. I forced myself into hyper-masculine activities: I weightlifted, did MMA, and worked construction jobs in the summer to try to toughen up. My mental health was terrible. I was constantly depressed, dissociated a lot—especially during sex with girls—and used drugs and alcohol to cope. I had a lot of suicidal thoughts and one attempt.
At 25, I couldn’t take it anymore. I started DIY hormone replacement therapy (HRT). My plan was to just "boymode" indefinitely because I was sure I’d never pass. The AGP fantasies came back at first, but after about six months on HRT, my sex drive was pretty much gone, and so were the AGP thoughts. That relief felt like a blessing. I lived as a slowly feminizing man who was basically asexual.
After a year on HRT, I started taking progesterone. Something shifted, and I suddenly felt a genuine attraction to men—it felt normal, not like the old meta-attraction. For the next three years, I had occasional hookups with guys, came out to everyone, worked on my gender presentation, and pursued surgeries. I had FFS, an orchiectomy, and vocal feminization surgery (VFS). I also developed breasts from HRT. I met my current boyfriend about a year ago; he’s the first boyfriend I’ve had as an openly trans woman.
But now, I’m having serious doubts. I achieved my goal of passing, but it feels empty. It’s like I was so focused on the goal that I never stopped to ask if this was what would actually make me happy. I think on some level, transition was a massive distraction from other problems in my life, like my trauma and low self-esteem.
My trans friends are very dogmatic and just want to re-affirm me instead of listening to my doubts. My boyfriend is only attracted to women and trans women; he doesn’t even like to see old pictures of me or know my old name. I know that if I detransition, it would probably end our relationship. I’ve even started leaving the house presenting as a guy sometimes, but I haven’t told him.
I’m realizing that transition brought a ton of anxiety. At first, it felt liberating, but once you pass, you’re forced to behave in stereotypical ways and lie about your past to maintain being stealth. It’s ironic—I went from being a closeted gay man to a closeted trans woman. My quality of life has objectively gotten worse after the honeymoon period ended.
My body is changed in ways I can’t undo. I’m infertile, and all the surgeries are permanent. I have to figure this mess out. I don’t know if I regret it all, but I am filled with a lot of confusion and uncertainty. I benefited from HRT initially because it killed my sex drive and gave me relief from the AGP thoughts, but now I’m not so sure the entire path was right for me.
| Age | Event |
|---|---|
| 10 | Wanted to be a girl; prayed to wake up as one; crossdressed non-sexually |
| 13 | Puberty discomfort began; entered all-boys school; experienced SA |
| 13-17 | Developed AGP fantasies; attracted to men in a meta way; sexual crossdressing |
| 17 | Stopped crossdressing; began forcing hyper-masculine lifestyle |
| 17-25 | Severe depression, dissociation, substance use; suicidal ideation and one attempt |
| 25 | Started DIY HRT; goal was to boymode indefinitely |
| 25.5 | AGP thoughts and sex drive disappeared on HRT |
| 26 | Started progesterone; began experiencing genuine attraction to men |
| 26-28 | Came out socially; pursued and received FFS, orchiectomy, and VFS |
| 27 | Met current boyfriend |
| 28 | Began having serious doubts about transition; started occasionally presenting as male again |
Top Comments by /u/Successful-Food-4778:
My timeline was something like:
- 10 - 13 years old - wanting to be a girl at 10 because all my friends in primary school were girls and I felt I was soft and gentle and would fit in better as one of them. Would pray at night before bed that I would wake up in the morning as a girl. Would crossdress at home if my parents weren't around. Nothing sexual really at all during this time.
- 13-17 - wanting to be a girl but realising it wasn't possible. Started to mature sexually and had lots of AGP fantasies around sex and being a woman. Realised I was attracted to men but in a AGP meta-attraction way. I wanted to be desirable to straight men but it was the idea of being desirable to a straight man that was the turn on vs being attracted to the actual man. Also got SAed around this time which fucked me up and I rebelled against the idea of being a gay man or bottom for a long time because of this. Crossdressed a lot and it was very sexual at this age.
- 17-25 - Quit crossdressing and tried my best to abstain from anything AGP related. Had a few girlfriends despite not really being straight. Forced myself to play the male role as well as I could and intentionally engaged in hyper-masculine activities. Weight lifting, MMA, worked a construction job most summers to try and toughen up and be more of a man. My mental health was also terrible. Constantly depressed and would dissociate a ton, especially during sex with girls. Used drugs and alcohol to cope a lot. Had plenty of suicidal ideation and one attempt.
- 25-28 - Started DIY hrt with the intention of just boymoding indefinitely because I was sure I wouldn't pass. Had some AGP fantasies at first and crossdressed a bit but after around 6 months my sex drive was pretty much gone, along with AGP thoughts. Relief from sex drive was actually a blessing as far as I was concerned so I just kept taking hrt and lived as a slowly feminising man who was pretty much asexual. After a year on hrt I started taking prog and suddenly I was very attracted to men in what seemed to be a normal way. Not meta attraction but actually attracted to them. The rest of the 3 years was occasional hookups with guys. Coming out to everyone, working on gender presentation stuff and pursuing surgeries. My current boyfriend of ~1 year is the first boyfriend I've had as an openly trans woman.
>Externally you may get more pushback, but internally you will feel at peace because integration and acceptance is the correct response to gender dysphoria, NOT transition.
It's too late now. I HAVE transitioned. And my body is changed in ways that I can't undo. And I'll need to figure this mess out.
I'm pointing out that my transition was successful because pre-transition the only scenario I could imagine myself detransitioning was if I was not passing and facing the social stigma of being visibly trans. But that's not the case, I got everything I thought I wanted and now I'm realising that maybe I never actually wanted it.
I do think I'm goal oriented yeah. Like I've heard of people who train for a marathon and really enjoy and the discipline/effort/training for the big race. Then the day after completing it they feel empty and sad because they've achieved their goal but there's nothing left to train for. I feel like this about transition in some ways. At some point in my transition I stopped thinking about being happy / content with myself and started chasing the goal of 'passing'. Now I'm passing and I'm wondering 'is this really what I wanted?'
Maybe on some level transition has just been a massive distraction from other things in my life.
>were you afraid of puberty? did something happen to a relationship that maybe changed or you thought changed because of puberty?
As a teenager I was afraid of growing up I think. I looked at grown men like my dad and uncles and it just seemed like their lives sucked. They were always tired and stressed and struggling and barely able to spend time with their kids. I liked being androgynous and didn't feel much dysphoria until I started going through puberty. As a kid / young teenager people used to remark on how much I looked like my mother, which I liked. In my late teens people used to say I looked like my dad which really upset me for some reason. My dad is a nice guy and I respect him but I would never ever want to be him.
It was around puberty that I started going to an all-boys catholic secondary school and I really didn't like it at all. Most of my friends in primary school were girls and I was suddenly around exclusively guys all day which I hated. School was kind of traumatic because of this. I can't remember a few years of school tbh. Also dealt with SA by one of the priests at school and it was never taken seriously which is awful but I've talked to a therapist about it and come to terms with it I think. I was extremely embarrassed that it would happen to me vs one of the other boys and would look for reasons why he would single me out. I had some fucked up theories as a kid that he chose to take advantage of me because he knew that I was having thoughts about being a girl and on some level I 'deserved' it. It's messed up to think about but that was my thought process as a kid.
>But this trans thing is sort of like a religion for some people.
That's exactly it. My trans friends are quite dogmatic about re-affirming me now that I'm showing doubts but I just want them to listen.
My boyfriend is also not that involved in the trans community (other than dating me) but I feel like he still doesn't want to think about the possibility of me detransitioning. He is only attracted to women / trans women and actually doesn't even like to see pics of me pre-transition. I think de-transition would be the end of our relationship sadly..
>Unfortunately it probably would be most wise to conceal that activity from your boyfriend
Yeah, I haven't told him about my little escapades leaving the house presenting as a guy. I'm not sure how he would feel.
I met him when I was already very far into my transition and at the point of passing. He's not attracted to men at all and seems to really dislike the idea of considering that I lived as a guy for 25 years.
Like he actively avoids seeing pics of me pre-transition because, in his words, he does not want to see me as anything other than a woman. He was also adamant that I don't tell him my deadname. I know a lot of trans women are quite triggered by seeing old pics of themselves pre-transition and dislike people knowing their deadname but I never really cared all that much.
>I had to be high a lot to even be able to tolerate the anxiety.
Yup, I started getting high nearly all the time which is obviously bad. I work from home while baked a lot of the time.
>It's never too late. Never. Things are never hopeless, even if they 100% feel that way.
I don't know how far into transition you went but detransition for me is going to be very hard at this point. FFS, orchi, breasts from hrt, VFS. These are all things I'm not really going to be able to undo if I seriously decide that I want to.
>Transition was like a bomb on my life. Other things contributed. But like I have post-traumatic stress and pseudo-flashbacks about it...
What was traumatic about your transition? If you don't mind me asking?
What I always found ironic is that at first it feels liberating in the beginning of transition. Depending on how well you pass, you'll be forced to behave in stereotypical ways and lie about your past to maintain stealth. From once being gay and closeted to end up trans and closeted, very bittersweet. Transition brings a ton of anxiety and societal expectations and will objectively make someones quality a life worse after the honeymoon period.
This is so true and reflects my experience perfectly