Hmm what you said about getting banned for asking for a less trans-focused group reminded me of something - back when I was on eating disorder message boards, there was a forum for guys with eating disorders and so many of the posts were trans men; but then I also saw posts saying it was transphobic for cis men to ask for cis-only spaces. Which is so dumb, because cis men almost always have different reasons for developing eating disorders - for a lot of trans men, it’s about dysphoria or comes from gendered socialization about body image - and it’s not transphobic to want somewhere for a discussion that is more relatable for them!

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is the same thing applies to lesbian spaces, I’d assume. Growing up, cis lesbians are going to have heard WAY different things about their sexuality than trans lesbians did and WAY different things about acceptable gender expression, which is pretty tied to sexual orientation. Due to socialization and biological sex and everything that comes with that, trans lesbians face issues cis lesbians never will, but cis lesbians face issues that trans lesbians never will. I wish that could be more accepted without being seen as transphobic or maliciously exclusive.

Yeah it seems like who gets respect/attention/etc. flips in activist circles compared to mainstream society. Generally there’s a tendency to brush off or dismiss what women say (vs. men) but then in activist circles men (including trans men) are told to shut up because of their privilege. Funny how someone’s shift from mainstream => trans culture means that transfems go from authoritative to authoritative and transmascs go from unauthoritative to unauthoritative.

How can someone understand they have experienced the specific trauma of being born as a trans girl, but they don’t understand there is also a separate, specific trauma of being born female? Even if the “trauma” of being forced to hide your identity is equally as painful as everything entailed by being born female, it doesn’t mean it’s the same type of pain, that the experiences are the same, or that people with those differing experiences will relate to each other bc of it

Yes I feel this! It’s so dumb but due to what I was seeing on social media I felt so ashamed and guilty about being a cishet white girl. And of c good allies shut up and listen so when I transitioned it felt kind of liberating to feel like I could express my opinions without being dismissed immediately for being part of the oppressors. (Note, that was my perception, not necessarily the reality)

I’m pretty sure that wasn’t a reason for my transition but I could 100% see it as a factor for many progressive people who feel guilty. Everyone is at least a little gender nonconforming so that’s an easy thing to latch onto and take on as an “oppressed” identity, if that makes sense.

I think it was on this subreddit I read about the idea that being trans is a solution to dysphoria rather than an innate sense of being? I.e. detransitioners WERE really trans because they transitioned to alleviate dysphoria. I just don’t like the idea of “actually trans” vs “confused cis.” It’s a false dichotomy

I think many trans people see being trans as the same as being gay, ie, you’re born that way and it’s an immutable trait you maintain throughout your life.

I think someone else mentioned it but it’s basically a view that people have gendered/trans “souls.” With this logic, a fem non-transitioning trans man is more trans than a detrans person ever could’ve been, because they feel male and so authentically believe they are simply a gender nonconforming man

I understand, hearing my new name and pronouns was really jarring for a while but it’s my understanding that even for people who are happy with their transition, it still takes a while to get used to, since it’s such a big, fundamental change in how they are perceived and referred to.

I think in general it’s a matter of dysphoria. Sometimes transition, even if it feels weird at first, is the best way to relieve dysphoria. Sometimes it’s not, which is what a lot of people here have found. You’re the only person who can decide what feels right for you. But since you’ve already been on hormones a while anyway, maybe you could give the social transition aspect a little more time and see if it stops feeling as weird? Being around other trans people sometimes, even if you don’t immerse yourself in trans/queer friendships and culture, might help you feel less like a freak too. I’ve also met a couple people who have changed their chosen name several times until they find one that fits, so it’s definitely okay to experiment with names a little if your current one feels weird. And if you still don’t like it, detransition is always an option and this community is here to provide support through it.

It’s completely up to you. I’ve seen a lot of people (including me) who consider themselves as detransitioners because of a shift in ideology rather than a shift in presentation. Personally I think it’s ok to say you’re not trans even if you’re on T, use he/him pronouns, keep your masculine name, etc, though sometimes it’s easier to say “I’m trans” to communicate you‘ve had and still have ftm experiences. Sometimes it’s confusing to people but that’s their problem, not yours :)

God, yeah. I don’t really care if dysphoria is a prerequisite to being trans anymore (it seems like it should though, yeah?) but I think the big appeal is it made me feel validated. Like, I’m not one of those fake non-binary people, I’m actually trans. But then I started reading more about it and surprisingly, the view that dysphoria = trans, no dysphoria = cis, transgender is a set state of being from birth; I found out I did not agree with that anymore.

I think people on this subreddit too have dealt with truscum as well. I would’ve thought they’d be more understanding but they do sort of the “you were never really trans” AND “you were never really dysphoric” like… wth. I guess my aversion to the sex characteristics of my body that led me to literally transition with hormones and surgery was fake??

Probably not the most popular opinion here but. It sounds like you’ve had body (not just social) dysphoria almost your whole life. Which doesn’t necessarily mean transitioning is the right option but consistent dysphoria like that is usually a good indicator that transition could be a helpful option (you should read Jesse Singal’s Atlantic piece on detransitioners/desisters, he mentions this - and it helped me work through my own feelings on gender).

Try to consider if you’re going on hormones because you want to be more comfortable in your body, or if you’re doing it because you want to pass (or if it’s because it’s the default next step/you want to keep up the excitement that comes with transitioning, which I understand!). If you want, you can stop hormones and give yourself more time to think about it. If you can live your life comfortably without them than maybe you can consider skipping them altogether, but you might find you need them.

I know a lot of people on this sub are against permanent changes but I got top surgery five years ago and it was the best decision I’ve ever made. I’m grateful for it every single day, even though I’m starting to ID as female again. I’m not sure where I’m going with this, but I guess just because a decision is big and (in many ways) irreversible, doesn’t mean it’s always going to be the wrong decision. Pretty much everyone here is at least partly disillusioned with transition but there are still a ton of people out there whose distress has been hugely alleviated by surgery and hormones with no regrets.

Again I can’t say whether it’s the right decision or not and you should think it through carefully, maybe take some time off from T if you want to be extra sure.