This story is from the comments listed below, summarised by AI.
Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious
Based on the provided comments, this account appears to be authentic.
There are no serious red flags suggesting it is a bot or an inauthentic actor. The comments display:
- Personal, detailed history: The user shares a long, nuanced, and emotionally charged personal narrative spanning several years, including specific diagnoses (BPD, PTSD), life events, and internal conflicts.
- Consistent identity: They consistently identify as a desister, a gay male, and someone with gender dysphoria, explaining their complex relationship with transition and detransition.
- Cultural context: They provide specific, plausible details about their location (Malaysia) and the legal/social challenges of being trans or detrans there, which is not a common narrative fabricated by bad-faith actors.
- Emotional authenticity: The language is passionate and contains the anger and pain one would expect from someone who has experienced this specific type of harm and stigma.
The account exhibits the hallmarks of a genuine individual sharing their difficult lived experience.
About me
I’ve felt a deep discomfort with my male body since I was a child, and in my twenties, I desperately wanted to be a woman. Living in Malaysia, where it's dangerous to be trans, and dealing with my own mental health struggles, I couldn't safely pursue a full transition. A few years ago, I realized my desire to transition was deeply tied to my PTSD and Borderline Personality Disorder, as I was trying to become what I thought men would love. I finally accepted that I am a gay man, and that no medical procedure could ever make me a biological woman. Now, I'm focusing on therapy for my trauma and learning to live as a gender non-conforming man, even though I still have difficult days.
My detransition story
My journey with gender started when I was very young. From the age of three, I felt a deep discomfort with my body and my genitalia. I just knew I was different and couldn't identify with what I had. This feeling never really went away.
For a long time, starting around 2010 when I was in my early twenties, I identified as a non-binary transwoman. I desperately wanted to be a cis woman. I wanted to be able to give birth, to have a family with a man, and to have the body I felt I was supposed to have. But I never fully transitioned, either medically or socially. I live in Malaysia, where it is very dangerous to be trans. You can be sued, imprisoned, or sent to a rehab camp if you're caught. My dad was also not supportive, and because I am his only child and struggle with mental illness and disability, I had to stay living with my family for my own safety. I did try once to move to the big city, live on my own, socially transition, and get a job, but it ended terribly and I almost killed myself from the stress and depression.
My thinking began to change a few years ago. A big moment was when my first love got married. It made me incredibly sad because I realized I could never be with him in the way I wanted to; I could never give him a family or an heir. I had intense feelings of what I call "vagina envy" and my gender dysphoria was crippling. But it also made me start to question why I wanted to transition so badly.
Through a lot of reflection, I realized that a lot of my desire to become a woman was tied to my mental health struggles. I have Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD, and I suspect I experienced childhood sexual abuse. A big part of my BPD is having a "favourite person" who I desperately seek validation from. I think I was trying to become what I thought the men I loved would want me to be, so that I could be accepted and loved. I was trying to please others to feel okay about myself.
I also have body dysmorphia, which is separate from gender dysphoria but got all mixed up with it. I was never happy with my body, even when I was thin and looked more feminine, and I'm still not happy now that I'm heavier and more masculine. It’s a deep self-hatred rooted in trauma, abuse, and loneliness.
I came to a major realization: I am a cis male. I am a homosexual, gender non-conforming man. I finally accepted that my biological sex is male and that is a reality that cannot be changed. No amount of surgery or hormones would ever make me a cis woman or allow me to have my own biological children. That ideal was 100% impossible, and I had to let it go. I decided to desist from transitioning.
I did experiment with HRT a little bit, but not enough to cause any permanent changes. It’s scary, and where I live, it’s all done illegally without proper medical oversight. I’ve seen friends in my circle who DIY their hormones develop serious health complications with their blood, heart, and kidneys. We all knew it was a risk.
My thoughts on gender are that it is largely a social construct—a performance of what society says men and women should be. But sex is a biological reality. I don’t regret exploring my gender, but I do not regret stopping either. I’m trying to get professional help for my BPD, dysmorphia, and trauma, which is what I really need. I still have bad days with dysphoria, and sometimes I still dress femininely when it gets really bad, but most of the time I’m just trying to live as a GNC gay man and make peace with myself.
| Age | Year | Event |
|---|---|---|
| 3 | ~1990 | First felt a disconnect and discomfort with my male genitalia. |
| Early 20s | 2010 | Began identifying as a non-binary transwoman. |
| 32 | 2019 | Began to deeply question my desire to transition, realizing it was tied to internalized issues and trauma. Accepted my biological sex as male. |
| 33 | 2020 | Formally decided to desist. Identified as a gender non-conforming homosexual man and sought therapy for BPD, dysmorphia, and trauma. |
Top Comments by /u/Terrynuriman:
You’re beautiful/attractive in all three pics tbh. 😍.. I get the struggle eventhough I’m just a desister.. Taking the plunge to take hormone is scary and daunting, plus im living in a very homophobic transphobic country… so yeah.
Congratulations on your journey buddy!
I don't know whats going on with the trans in the west or global North.. Im from Malaysia, and we detrans and trans are together, like, we try our best to support one another (except if detrans that sells out to the ultra Conservative state authorities.. Which does happen).. This hatred against detrans in the west is just absurd and scary. Transitioning isn't for all and it isn't a permanent choice.. One could and should share their reasons of why they detrans...
Sorry for butting in.. But when I was researching about hrt for me, as someone wanted to be mtf, the side effect of taking hrt as part of informed consent (in my country, it is all done illegally for most of us due to the government doesn't help nor acknowledge trans/detrans health care even if they acknowledged Gender Dysphoria).. My trans sisters ans brothers does have blood related and heart related problem, kidney too. In my circle of DIY hrt-ers, we acknowledge that these side effects will be a possibility.
Hope you'll find a way to get better and reverse the effect somehow.
I desist myself, I only took some form of HRT but not enough to cause permenant changes, used to dress more feminine, still does when my dysphoria is bad, but most time I just go with the flow.. I consider myself GNC gay man with gender dysphoria.. and like you, I knew I’m not a biological woman, that’s part of why I wanted to transition in the beginning.. to be as close to the “real” thing while acknowledging I am not biologically female.. I feel trans/detrans like us would be considered as “transphobic”.. and I get what you meant fake interaction.. it feels like infantalising us, it feels so othering.. I wanted to be “normal”, the lgbt as “normal”.. not this q**er nonsense.
I identified myself as non-binary transwoman for the longest time since 2010+, but didn't medically nor socially transition except for rare times because of how dangerous it is to transition in my country.. We would be sued/imprisoned/sent to rehab if caught, and plus my dad isn't supportive of me being a trans, and because I'm a disabled mentally ill only child, I had to stay with them.. (tried to be by myself in the big city, socially transition, work etc but it ended badly and i almost killed myself).
Anyway, recently my first love got married and my desire to be a transwoman kinda abated abit, I don't feel like I want to be a woman anymore... Don't get me wrong, I have crippling gender dysphoria, knew I was a different because I can't identify with my genital at age of 3, it never stop and want to make it stop, I want to cis female but it's impossible. I also remember that when I was with him (my first love) I felt sad that I'll never be with him, that I can't give him what he would want.. A family, an heir etc. I guess since then I felt an intense vagina envy, gender dysphoria that persist till now...
Perhaps my desire to transition is because I wanted to be what the guy I love (would've) wanted.. And me, being a Borderline Personality Disorder, with ptsd, probably csa too, with the need to please/to find validation from my favourite person (fp), I try to become what they would want so that I could be accepted.
I realize now, I'm just a cis male, homosexual, and probably GNC, with mental distresses rooted from abuse, loneliness, and trauma. And my desire/goal to be a cis woman, to give birth, to have a family with a man is 100% impossible. No amount of surgery or HRT would make any man love me, nor make me able to have the ideal family, my own children from my own "vagina". And I have accepted that. Ideal ≠ reality.
It sounds like body dysmorphia.. I have that too as BPD, and was diagnosed with gender dysphoria/GID... Even now after I accept myself as a male, I still feel crippling dysphoria regarding my body of how unsightly it is.. Never satisfied with it even when I was thin and feminine, not now too when I'm heavier and masculine.. It's dysmorphia and self hatred due to other factors...
Get professional help, if that's accessible for you.. That's what I'm doing to help me get over my GID, Dysmorphia and BPD..
Hugs to you.
It never occurred to me before that gender identity might be an internalised misogyny and misandry.. Like men need to act like x to be men and women need to act like y to be women... It goes beyond just having the sex... It is a construct, but i do acknowledge that sex is a biological reality that cannot be changed.. I don't delude myself saying by thinking trans = not biologically male... Its just impossible. Judith Butler did say gender is performative... I read abit on her theory of gender..
You're right.. I have already accepted that my sex is male, and right now, having the realisation that even if I change/mutilate my sex.. I won't ever be a cis, then what the point.. Even if its a struggle, I'll have to accept that I'm not a woman and shouldn't be one.. I should just let go of wanting to transition.
Thanks for your inputs.. And sharing. The physical dysphoria will be something I have to get through.. But I've survived suicidal ideations, depressive episodes.. I can get through this.. 🤗.