My whole journey started with a deep discomfort during puberty. I hated the changes happening to my body, especially the development of my breasts. I felt like they didn't belong on me and that my body was betraying me. I was also struggling with depression and really low self-esteem, and I spent a lot of time online looking for answers. I found communities that seemed to have the solution: they told me my feelings meant I was a man trapped in a woman's body.

I started to believe that if I could just look like a man, all my problems would be solved. I began to socially transition, changing my name and pronouns. I cut my hair short and started binding my chest every day. I was so influenced by the people I met online and the friends I made in these spaces; it felt like I finally belonged somewhere. I think a lot of it was escapism—trying to run away from being me.

I took testosterone for about two years. It gave me a deeper voice and some facial hair, but the hair growth was mostly on my neck and under my chin, not in the typical male pattern. I was so focused on "passing" that I didn't stop to question why I was doing it. I got top surgery to remove my breasts. At the time, I thought it was the best decision I ever made. I was convinced it would fix everything.

But it didn't fix the underlying issues. I was still me, just with a different exterior. I started to realize that I had internalized a lot of homophobia. I'm attracted to women, and I think on some level, it was easier for me to try and become a man in a straight relationship than to accept being a gay woman. I also have OCD, and I now see how my fixation on my body and identity became an obsessive loop.

I began to detransition after a period of serious reflection. I asked myself hard questions: Why does it matter how people gender me? Am I doing this for me, or to fit an expectation? I realized that clothes are just clothes, and I can dress however I want without needing to change my entire identity. A woman can wear pants and have short hair and still be a woman. I don't need to call my body parts different names to be proud of what I have.

I have some regrets about my transition, especially the permanent changes. The testosterone caused some health complications, and I am now infertile, which is difficult to accept. The top surgery is permanent, and while I don't regret alleviating the specific discomfort I had with my breasts, I regret the reason I did it—because I thought it would make me a man.

I now see that I am just a gender-nonconforming woman. I think we need to normalize that people can look any way they want without having to change their fundamental sex. I benefited from stepping away from affirming therapy and instead working on my underlying depression, anxiety, and self-esteem issues.

My thoughts on gender are simple now: we are all just people with wants and needs. "Gender identity" feels confusing because, in reality, you can't change your sex. I see many FtM individuals as gender-nonconforming women who, like me, got caught up in a false reality. I wish we could support people in being their authentic selves without pushing them into a binary transition.