I remember listening to the “Gender:A Wider Lens” podcast early into my transition and found myself in total angry cognitive dissonance. I couldn’t listen to it anymore because I was so uncomfortable. They were being really reasonable, asking the questions that needed to be asked and I subconsciously knew they were right. I pushed it away because it conflicted with my world view, now relistening to it I’m just stunned how I could ignore it.

Cognitive dissonance isn’t anyones fault, I’m just glad there are people out there willing to put themselves and their careers on the line in spite of the backlash they might receive.

Thank you, bro. I’m trying to find examples of attractive celebrities who aren’t able grow full beards like Harry Styles to ease my anxiety towards the loss.

There are still some hairs that weren’t hit by the laser which I’m really grateful for. I know I’ll never have a chance of looking “rugged”, 3 years is a long time but something to look forward to is a positive perhaps.

Hey dude, I was/am totally in your position. I was always a confident good looking guy, never struggled with girls before my transition. I dated as a trans girl too, but only cis queer girls, it was a little more complicated but ok.

Then soon after starting to detransition I had a myriad of new flavours of anxiety and baggage to contend with. I was petrified of my body giving away my past due to the fat in the wrong places, the softness of my skin or the fact that I was a 33 yr old man with no facial hair whatsoever… (laser).

It’s been about 10 months now and I’ve dated about 8 girls semi-seriously in that time. Intimate with all of them and told all of them in due time about my past. I was so worried about them asking why there was a huge chunk of time missing from my social media photos or them finding some of my old meds I’d forgotten about etc. it was just easier to find the courage and tell them.

I was terrified they would think I was disgusting or that I would retransition etc, but honestly; I explained myself calmly and rationally, told them why I felt it had happened and what I’ve learned about myself and society from it. Not one of them was even remotely bothered, most said they actually had so much more respect for me for being able to stand up to yourself in the mirror, admit you were wrong and conquer your demons. The fact that you’re able to adapt and grow is actually an attractive trait. 🤷‍♂️

Anxious thoughts still creep in, but they always will no matter who you are.

I can fully empathise with your feelings. There’s something about this idealistic version of “a woman” which is enthralling and enticing. Something that CIS women feel too in spades I imagine. And I feel it goes along with that idea for these people, who embody femininity is such an picture perfect way, have a life of such privilege and ease. They can relax and let the world wash over them, everything on a plate. I was lucky enough with the genetic lottery and made an attractive man, I enjoyed my body, my strength and receiving compliments about my handsome appearance. But at periods of low mood or difficult moments in my life, I always regressed to the almost childlike belief that life would be easier if I were a hot girl.

I am not a gay man so I cannot speak to that experience, but I found dating women as a trans woman to be incredibly difficult. It tended to be only bi/pansexual women who would consider me, and even then, it was generally that they still viewed me as a feminine male because of my genitals which I had no desire to remove; something that other trans women I knew couldn’t comprehend. I was regarded with otherness even in safe queer spaces.

The fantasy of being a forcibly feminised Bimbo plagued my teenage and young adult years, sissy hypno and the like was a huge turn on for me. Although the bits about submitting to men and being a “cm slt” were a complete turn off, I was exclusively interested in the feminisation aspect.

I made the decision to detransition because I realised I would never be this “ideal”. That even for Cis women it is a rarity. I stopped to reflect on where the feeling of wanting to be like that was coming from, what was I running from? What facets of myself was I so uncomfortable with that I desired to escape from and run head long into this idealistic version of the human experience.

For me, childhood sexual abuse and ADHD played a huge role, as well as the concept of the “failed boy”, where I didn’t necessarily fit the role model of the typical boy and sought acceptance in something on the opposite end of the spectrum I felt received admiration and celebration in society.

It’s so hard to get your head around, and I fear our lives will be plagued by these feelings forever unless we are able to fully accept ourselves and do the work required to heal from whatever traumas led us down this path in the first place.

I hope you’re receiving therapy from a good counsellor, who won’t push you down any route. I’d be happy to chat more if you wanted/need to, even a Skype call or whatever. I think we need to support each other however we can in this quite unique experience.

You absolutely do not have to disclose a highly personal detail about yourself to strangers on the apps. They have to earn that level of trust, but I know most of us are trauma survivors and over-sharing is a common symptom that can help us feel in control.

There are ways to filter potentials without being too honest, too early. If you were dating someone who may want kids with you naturally, you don’t have to be specific about your hysterectomy, but something like the option for “do not want kids” in your hinge profile might be a good for example.

I would normally hold back specific details of my transition journey until I was confident they were accepting that humans are just messy creatures. Emotionally mature folks only!

I suggest you reach out to a therapist. You can sign up to Genspect who offer reduced therapy rates worldwide for this specific issue. It’s a pilot scheme so you may have to wait a short while, But since you’re in a rush, I would encourage you to find a therapist privately who isn’t focused on the affirmative gender care model, it can be hard to find one, but essentially someone who doesn’t have an agenda to push you one way or the other.

In the mean time, Ask yourself the difficult questions: WHY do you feel it’s inescapable, WHERE are these feeling originating; both mentally, historically and literally in your physical being, WHO are you and what are your values and WHAT issues are you facing that will be solved by changing your gender presentation. Start a journal. Just start writing about how you’re feeling. Don’t think about it, just write.

There are no right or wrong answers, it’s a painful place to be but you need to be fully honest with yourself.

From my experience, changing your pronouns and taking hormones will not solve unresolved traumas, current difficulties or lack of self acceptance. That requires inner work, happiness has nothing to do with anything external, including our bodies. It’s ok to try things and it’s ok to change your mind, but don’t look for solutions in the bottom of a bottle (of pills).

I love this podcast. They get a lot of hate from pro-trans organisations but they’re really just asking the difficult questions which need to be asked.

Sign up to Genspect.org too who sponsor them. They offer free or low cost counselling and have loads of resources available for detrans and desisters.

Yeah, this is great advice. Thanks.

I have always been into fitness but changed my workout when I was transitioning to basically exclusively lower body. I went from full body calisthenics; muscle ups, pull-ups, rope climbs and dragon flags with ease etc, to essentially just squats and glute bridges. I even stopped surfing and climbing because I was trying to reduce my shoulders. 😞 I stopped doing the things I loved to attempt to achieve this idealistic version of femininity…

I started working out like I used to last week and felt amazing, i can’t even describe how good it was. I hadn’t felt it in a long, long time.

I mean, I actually had 10 sessions of Lazer on mine and around a month of being off hormones and I’m already starting to see a marked difference. From nothing at all to terminal hairs in the goatee and moustache area showing through. I had a full beard before transitioning so still early days to get back to where I was though.

I’m derma rolling and using topical minoxidil too, but I think that takes some months to properly make a difference. I think you’ll be fine but why not try the above anyway if you’re really conscious about it?