My whole journey with this started because I never felt like I fit in as a girl. I was uncomfortable with my body when puberty hit and I developed breasts; I just hated them and wanted them gone. I think a lot of it was also low self-esteem and depression. I didn't see a future for myself as a woman. I spent a lot of time online and was definitely influenced by what I saw there and by friends who were also exploring their gender. It felt like the only way to escape those bad feelings.

I came out as non-binary first, around age 19, because it felt like a less scary step. But that didn't feel like enough to solve the deep discomfort, so I soon after started identifying as a trans man. I was convinced that medically transitioning was the only way to be happy and authentic. I started testosterone when I was 20. I got top surgery a year later, at 21. I was so sure it was what I needed.

For a while, it felt like it was working. I felt a sense of relief after the surgery. But the underlying problems—the depression, the anxiety, the feeling of not being right in my own skin—never really went away. They just changed shape. I started to realize that I had been trying to solve a problem of the mind by changing my body. I had a lot of internalized issues to work through, including some internalized homophobia. I’m attracted to women, and I think I had a hard time accepting being a masculine female, so becoming a man felt like an easier label to fit into.

I began to detransition about two years after my surgery, when I was 23. Stopping testosterone was a big step. It wasn't a sudden moment, but a slow realization that I had made a permanent decision based on a temporary feeling. I started to see that my discomfort with puberty wasn't necessarily a sign of being born in the wrong body, but a pretty common feeling that a lot of young girls go through. I wish I had been told that it was okay to be a girl who was masculine, or a lesbian, and that I didn't need to change my body to be that person.

I don't regret my journey because it led me to where I am now, and it taught me a lot about myself. But I do regret the permanent changes. I'm now infertile because of the testosterone, and that's a hard thing to live with. My body is permanently altered from the surgery. I've had to learn to accept my body all over again, but this time as a female who is just… me. I don't think gender is a strict binary, but I also don't think it's something that necessarily requires medical intervention to express. I think we put way too much pressure on kids and young adults to conform to stereotypes, and then offer transition as the only way out for those who don't fit.

Now, I believe in just letting people be who they are without all the labels and medical procedures. A man can wear a dress and nail polish and still be a man. A woman can be masculine and still be a woman. We don't need to change our bodies to enjoy things. My biggest lesson was that the problem wasn't my body; it was my inability to accept myself and the world's inability to accept me as a masculine female.