I'm also struggling with narcissism and I agree 100%. The instant validation, hug boxing, and lovebombing I experienced made me fall deeper and deeper into my delusion. As a man, I'm just an awkward pervert. As a trans woman I'm brave, stunning, gorgeous, sooo sexy, and allowed to speak over any woman about anything, whether I've experienced it or not. You can't give a narcissist attention like that. Trying to make my way back into reality and the lack of attention and lack of 'affirmation' on top of the embarrassment is really making everything more difficult for me.

That the majority of people you love will walk on eggshells around you. They don't believe in trans identities and they're afraid of saying the wrong thing and getting cancelled for it. Your close relationships will drift away because they have been told there's "no debate"-- no questions, no comments, no 'deadnaming' or you're a TERRIBLE PERSON. The easiest thing for these people to do is keep their distance and simply stop talking to you.

Makes it all the easier to fall into the lovebombing, hugboxing cult that will tell you all those people are rejecting you because they hate you, etc.

But it's painful. It's more painful because I caused it myself.

I mean yeah you basically described someone just like me. I would talk over women about their periods and insist that I had one because I have adverse affects of E. To be honest it was halfway me seriously deluding myself into thinking it was true, but needing them to agree and affirm me to avoid being broken out of my fantasy that "trans women are women." No differences can be brought up, anything that made me feel 'othered' in any way made me angry and indignant that some "cis" woman would dare speak about womanhood without centering my feelings. I know it' spathetic. This is embarrassing to write anywhere but this is about the only place I can do it without getting crucified.

Please don't go on T until you've really explored other avenues of coming to terms with your body. T is a very powerful hormone. If you're struggling with an eating disorder, it's understandable that your disordered thinking is telling you that T will fix everything or at least help. It will not. If you look around here you'll see that eating disorders are a huge red flag for ftm transition-- many, many detransitioners have gone down the rabbit hole of trans identification to solve their self-hatred, but there's no greater self hatred than 'killing' who you are and choosing a new fake identity to role play as while you inject your body with hormones that don't belong in it.

(I should take my own advice. But I'm still struggling with self-hatred myself.)

(forgive me if this is unwanted commentary since I'm male, but as someone who wishes I could stop being male, it fascinates me. This is my reflection on the situation): FtMs can't simply identify into male privilege but they're not male. They don't have the benefit of male socialization growing up. They're still potentially affected by the issues specific to women (reproductive rights, etc). In fact, it's like they're trying to take on the heaviest possible burdens that males can have (to prove their "real maleness") while having had none of the 'training' that a male socialization provides, and they can never fully put down the burden of being female in this society.

No wonder so many ftm are so miserable. The majority of them make their life much more stressful and gain little for it.

(again I didn't mean any of this to be insulting or to support sexist ideas, more of an observation of an already sexist world)

Honestly I'm in the same place right now. I haven't decided what to do about continuing or stopping E. I feel like a joke and I feel embarrassed that I've been forcing the whole world to go along with my game of make-believe when they can obviously see I'm male.

​

I like the effects of E but now that the 'euphoria' phase has worn off, I have some concerns about my future health if I continue. For now I'm just reducing my dosage slowly while I think of what to do long-term.

Yeah for me it's like when I was a little kid I ran around in a batman costume and adults would humour

It's humiliating how true this is.

I had the exact same experience with everyone hug boxing me and telling me I looked so gorgeous and stunning when I just looked horrible and have no hope of ever passing. I got obsessed with makeup and wigs and camera filters to make me look like I passed in pictures but the reality is that even more than 9/10 don't pass. Probably 99% don't pass, at least not to women. A lot of men just look at makeup or a stuffed bra and say "that's a woman" but women don't work like that.

I really don't know what to do about HRT. Part of me still wants to stay on because I do like my skin being softer and having less acne, but the other part of me feels like I'm still holding on to a fetish-driven delusion and vanity instead of taking care of myself in an authentic way. I don't know. I'm just trying to read and think but it's hard to predict what will make me happiest in 5, 10, 15 years from now.

It feels impossible sometimes, like I've completely rewired my brain through porn and my AGP fantasies, and everyone just cheered me on in social media. How do I embrace reality when it feels so much worse? How do I stop the porn when I've conditioned myself to it like pavlov's dogs? That's where I am right now.

mtf so my experience is very different from yours, but I think you should stop the T first and you can decide when/how to detransition socially later. There won't be immediate visual results anyway, but if you're not liking the results, you should stop ASAP. You can take your time to come out slowly or all at once, but you don't have to tell people immediately just because you stopped T.

Good luck!

I'm only going to respond to one bit that spoke to me since I have a similar experience. You can't actually be a girl, and 'looking' like a girl won't be enough to 'convince' lesbians to sleep with you. Lesbians are same-sex attracted. You'll never be female. I know because I have this fantasy too and nothing hurts more than admitting I'll never be in a lesbian relationship. But I'm male, you're male, so we won't, by definition. Don't let incel logic convince you that it'd be 'easier' as a trans woman. People will hugbox you and praise you and say you're amazing and gorgeous, but actual lesbians won't be interested at all and the majority of straight/bi women won't consider you a viable dating option either.