In all of this you need to keep in mind that messing with your body's hormones can have bad side effects, especially in the male body. Testosterone is mood-lifting, even for women, while estrogen can wreak havoc in a male body's sense of well-being. Is how you are seen by others more important than how your body feels?

You can be a feminine or androgynous man, it's more a matter of style which can be accomplished with hair removal, make-up etc. I always thought that feminine men are very beautiful, even when you could still see a bit of the maleness. I find that ambiguous look very mysterious and alluring. You don't have to be a dog-like bloke, it's o.k. to be more cat-like, refined and elegant as a man. With long hair, smooth skin and a bit of eyeliner you won't come across as too masculine. It's just the equivalent of being a tom boy. To be gender non-conforming is nothing extreme or ideological.

Pain is like a very strong magnet for the focus of your attention, I know it's very difficult to escape from that, but you need to find something that is able to capture your focus away from the pain. You can turn down the volume of pain using hypnosis, it is very effective. People have been operated on under hypnosis and they felt no pain.

Another thing you may need is to investigate that you are not your body. You are an eternal spirit who is temporarily riding a body. You may not believe in such things, I was skeptical at first, but when I started investigating things like near death experiences and non-physical reality, the anecdotal evidence became very convincing to me.

Apparently the pain we suffer in our life is not wasted or in vain. There is a purpose behind all this misery. Our suffering doesn't make us into losers, quite the contrary.

What really cheered me up was reading about Christian Sundbergs pre-birth memories. Take it to be fiction, it's still a very uplifting and beautiful story. It was life-changing for me. At least it will take your attention away from your pain for a while and he gives a workable framework for coping with misery. He offers his book for free here: A Walk in the Physical

Big hug to you! You are really loved beyond your imagination, you just don't know it right now.

"If you’re simply a human being with empathy, this sub will make you feel bad because you’re reading stories of many people who have suffered, each in their own unique way."

Yes, it's painful to be empathic, but it doesn't make me feel bad, it makes me feel love. I don't consider that a bad thing. You have a community of very amazing people here who were able to gain wisdom and insight from their suffering. I won't be the only one who adores detrans people. Unfortunately you mostly hear from the haters, because they tend to have a big mouth. I never transitioned, because I'm in a different age group (54) That's maybe the only reason why I escaped from trans damage. I have gender dysphoria, Cptsd and ASD but had to deal with it in other ways, because sex change was not an option when I was young. I had been lurking here for a while and decided to join, because I wanted to reply to your post.

The ability to love is your true essence. When you focus on that feeling as much as you can, and include yourself in it, it will greatly accelerate your healing. Trauma has damaged your nervous system, that is something that can be healed and afterwards you will be more than you could ever have been without the trauma. I know it sounds weird, but what we experience is not random or accidental, there is a purpose to life. I'm absolutely sure of that.

I'm so glad for you, that you escaped from that industrial sex change machinery and that you get the help that you need. You will be alright, I have faith in your destiny.

I think it's right to follow you instinct about digging in your past. You need to be careful which kind of therapy you choose to do, not all of them are helpful and many can make you worse.

Trauma sits mainly in the body's nervous system, especially with CPTSD. I have a similar problem, it's not all in the mind, so talking about it is usually just triggering more stress, writing it down uses different parts of the brain, so is less triggering, that's why journaling might be more helpful. There are forms of therapy that heal the nervous system directly, like Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing Therapy, but even those can be difficult and painful, so it's always best to take it slow and prepare well for the impact it has on your life.

I found lots of helpful information on Youtube about the Polyvagal Theory, the problem of dissociation and how to reconnect with the body in a healing way. It's also good to know your attachment style and work on that aspect of connecting with others. The more informed you get, the less likely you are to run into some unexpected troubles.

To start by questioning your current gender identity is probably not the right place, because that wasn't the problem in the first place. Your body and it's nervous system needs to heal first, so you can feel comfortable in your skin, without worrying how others perceive you from the outside. If you can get support and understanding from your partner, that would be great. And never forget, there is a spiritual dimension to what we experience on earth, it may feel awful, but there is a purpose to it in the end.

If anybody gets mad at you for identifying yourself as a non-conforming woman, then maybe it's time to avoid that person. You don't need "friends" like that in your life. It's sad about your mother, but even she has no right to tell you who you should be and how to feel. And certainly not your doctor. Those are your personal boundaries. For anybody who behaves in a narcissistic way, we can do the radical acceptance: They will not change, we don't engage, don't explain and don't take it to heart too much.
When you close old doors, new ones will open. When you take up a new interest, you will meet new people. As you evolve these changes in suitable company happen naturally. Maybe you could start a detrans support group in your area or something like that?

There is a phase while growing up, where we are more narcissistic than what we normally would be. Most people grow out of it at a later stage. It is a necessary step, to enable us to separate from our parents and go on to find who we really are beyond the family's influence. It is not a permanent form of narcissism, but rather a temporary immaturity. We all go through that to some degree. It has nothing to do with the permanent personality traits that some people develop from severe childhood trauma. It has existed forever, just read some old novels from the 1800's, it's already there, but it's maybe more vigorously expressed in our time, because societal norms have loosened up enough for us to let it out more.

This is the same dynamic as with cults. People get sucked into a belief-system and because they know subconsciously that it is harmful, they must go into denial. At that point all communications with the outside world are breaking down, because it is a threat to the delusion. Anyone leaving a cult becomes a threat to the cult itself and must be shunned. Again, all communication breaks down and the person who is leaving realizes, that there was never any real friendship, because the connection depended entirely on their membership in the cult.

All we can do about it is to understand what is happening to their psyche and not take it personal. For people who are stuck in it, the only opportunity to break free will be when the pain gets strong enough to force them to leave. For people who are happy in it there is no chance.

I'm fortunate to have escaped, because my vulnerable age where I could have been easily sucked into it was in the mid 80's. There was no internet and transsexuality was in the very beginning of being popularized via mainstream youth magazines. I read the story of a FtM trans teen and could immediately identify with that, it was very emotional. I wrote a letter to the magazine, but fortunately never got a reply. Now I know that I'm a 54 y old autistic, asexual tomboy who cannot identify as a woman or a man. I want to be a neutral child or maybe a praying mantis.

When a cult-like phenomenon gets heavily popularized in the mainstream , you can almost bet that there is some hidden agenda at play, and that it is not about the health or happiness of people. The main purpose of those magazines is advertising and influencing. There was a potential market for the sex-change industry and they found it.

What you are going through used to be called puberty and was considered to be normal. Its just a difficult time of transformation and I never heard anybody say that they found it easy or that they were happy at that time. It makes sense to wait and see how you feel when you are a bit older. Its wise of you not to rush in blindly.

Maybe those trans cult AGP individuals have a deep-seated need to destroy what they never really can have for themselves, and that's why they lure females into the trans trap, as a kind of psychopathic revenge. A bit like in the movie "Silence of the Lambs". I'm really sorry this happened to you, and don't blame yourself for falling into this trap, cults are very insidious.
In time you will adapt to the bodily injuries, like people who lost a limb through accident or illness. You are so much more than just your body. There is a real potential that in the end you will come out stronger and more beautiful and complete than ever.