This story is from the comments listed below, summarised by AI.
Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious
Based on the provided comments, the account appears authentic. There are no serious red flags suggesting it is a bot or an inauthentic actor.
The comments display a consistent, nuanced, and deeply personal narrative about the user's experience as a desister (a person who questioned their gender but did not medically transition). The writing has a reflective and introspective tone, includes specific personal details (e.g., listening to Hedwig and the Angry Inch, going to the gym), and offers empathetic advice to others. The passion and criticism expressed are consistent with the genuine perspectives found in the detrans/desister community.
About me
I'm a gay man who started questioning if I was a woman at 17, which became an all-consuming obsession for years. My mom gently suggested it might be a form of OCD rather than a true identity, but I was too deep in it to listen. Finding proud, effeminate gay role models and building a better relationship with my body through the gym helped immensely. I eventually realized my struggle was about self-acceptance, not being transgender. I'm now completely comfortable and happy living as a man, and that period of my life feels like a distant dream.
My detransition story
My whole journey with gender started when I was 17. I was a lonely gay kid and I remember the exact moment it hit me. I was lying in bed listening to the soundtrack from Hedwig and the Angry Inch, a musical about a trans person, and it was like a switch flipped in my head. Suddenly, I was consumed by the question of whether I was actually a woman.
From that point on, my life became a constant, exhausting interrogation of myself. I would spend all day trying to ‘catch myself out’ to see if I really wanted to be a girl. I’d ask myself rapid-fire questions like, “Do you want to be an old man or an old woman?” and try to surprise myself with the answer so I wouldn’t have time to lie. I’d imagine myself in different scenarios, like being in a music video, and meticulously judge whether I enjoyed performing more as a man or a woman. It was a form of pure obsession that took over everything. Looking back, I see now that this was a type of OCD, not a genuine transgender identity.
My mom was actually a voice of reason during this time. She told me she didn’t think I was transgender and pointed out that I hadn’t shown any signs of it as a kid. She even pointed me towards a blog post about a type of obsessive-compulsive disorder and suggested that might be what I was experiencing. I wanted to believe her, but I was so deep in the obsession that I couldn’t. I’m incredibly grateful now that she was gentle and questioning rather than just immediately affirming me; it gave me room to eventually find my way out.
I never medically transitioned. What ultimately helped me was a combination of two things. First, I found gay male role models I could actually identify with. I had always been effeminate and never felt like I fit into a masculine mold, which I think was a big part of my confusion. Seeing other effeminate gay men who were proud of who they were, even through something like watching RuPaul’s Drag Race, helped me feel like it was okay to be me without having to change my body.
Second, I started going to the gym. I realized that a lot of my discomfort with being a man came from the fact that I just felt bad at it—my body didn’t look the way I thought a masculine body should, and it made me feel uncomfortable and unsexy. Building muscle and changing my physique gave me a sense of pride and ownership over my body that I’d never had before. I’ll be honest, I think I’ve just swapped one body obsession for another, as I’m now borderline addicted to the gym, but it’s a much healthier and safer obsession than pursuing hormones or surgery.
I’m now 100% better and have been for years. The key for me was to just stop thinking about it. I finally decided that if I was truly trans, there was nothing I could do about it anyway, so I might as well just live my life and not spend every waking hour analyzing my gender. Going to university and being around more people helped distract me and gave me other things to focus on. The obsessive thoughts slowly faded away until it all felt like a strange dream I could hardly remember.
I don’t regret that period of my life because I learned a lot about myself, but I am so relieved I didn’t medically transition. I now believe my struggle was never really about gender, but about internalized homophobia and a deep discomfort with being an effeminate man, combined with a obsessive thought pattern that latched onto gender as its subject. My thoughts on gender now are that it’s a very complex issue and that for many people, especially young gay people, the rush to transition can be a way to escape deeper issues of self-acceptance.
Here is a timeline of my journey:
| Age | Event |
|---|---|
| 17 | The obsession began suddenly. I started constantly questioning if I was a woman. |
| 17-19 | Spent two years in intense distress, crying daily and obsessively analyzing my gender. |
| 19 | Started university, began to distract myself and consciously stop the obsessive thoughts. |
| 20 | Found community and role models as a gay man, began going to the gym, and started to feel "fixed." |
| Now (27) | Fully comfortable and happy as a gay man. The gender questioning feels like a distant dream. |
Top Comments by /u/UKWaterRetailers:
i used to ask myself the question, do you see your future self as a grandpa or grandma?
It's funny how familiar those things are to me. I'm a natal male and I used to obsess over my gender, one question I used to ask myself was whether I'd want to be an old man or an old lady. I would try to catch myself off guard with it so I didn't have time to lie! I would also imagine being in a music video or whatever, and sort of keep watch of my feelings and judge whether I enjoyed it more performing as a man or a woman.
Now I'm better, thinking about that stuff is strange. Do I want to be an old man or and old woman? Neither obviously. Should I analyse my every thought, feeling, daydream and fantasy to check for signs of wanting to be the other gender? Well, I think even someone who does not have gender dysphoria would be driven insane by that
My mom said the things that yours didn't. She told me she didn't think I was transgender, that I hadn't really shown signs of that as a kid, I remember she pointed me towards a blog post which was about POCD and said that she thinks I have that rather than being transgender.
She was right of course, and I wanted to be believe her but I couldn't. It didn't really push me one way or the other to be honest, although I am extremely glad in retrospect that she didn't jump head first into it like some people would. She was nice about it and tried to make me feel better, but just wasn't convinced that it was the right diagnosis for me. Nowadays she occasionally has asked me how I feel about it, but I think she's forgetting the situation ever happened at all
I used to have intrusive thoughts in the same way basically. I would spend all day trying to 'catch myself out' to see if I wanted to be a girl, from what I've read here it sounds like you're the same. You definitely have a pattern of wild non-sequiturs that is familiar to me, "At this point the only reason I'm really convinced I'm not a trans woman is because I can't really think of myself in a lesbian relationship", this really doesn't make any sense although I know that it feels like it does to you - nobody who is actually transgender is having introspection about stuff like this to decide if they are imagining it or not.
This feeling hit me all of a sudden at 17 years old, I was very lonely at the time. I remember actually, I was in my bed listening to the soundtrack to Hedwig and the Angry Inch (a musical about a transsexual) and it was like a switch flipped in my head. It's kind of eerie to me how familiar your experience is in this regard
I am now 100% better, here's how it worked: I had to stop thinking about it. I reasoned, if I'm trans then there's nothing I can do about it anyway - it doesn't really matter it just matters that I'm not thinking about gender or whatever else 24 hours per day. Fortunately I also started University so I was around people a lot more which allowed me to think about other things. It was hard to deny my obsessive thoughts like that, but since I managed it I've had no problems like this at all. Today I worry more about other stupid shit (like am I sick? am I going to get arrested?) than I ever do about 'am I transgender?', in fact I frequent this forum because I'm not scared about obsessing over this any more
I hope this was useful. Do feel free to message me if you want, it sounds like we've had much the same experience. I'm just begging you to have some faith in the light at the end of the tunnel, a happy life is within your reach and I don't want you to kill yourself just because of some temporary mania. I cried every day about this for 2 years when I was your age, it was like torture, but now it's like a strange dream I can hardly remember
Yes I do think it's real. The fact that there are men from 80+ years ago who chose to undergo drastic surgeries in order to live as women suggests to me that it can't be merely a shared delusion.
I think it's important to note that there are huge differences between AMAB and AFAB people in this regard. There are many women who transition to escape sexual trauma, and there are men who transition because they're AGP. This alone shows that the two can't really be compared, and now the number of FTM is dramatically outstripping MTF it suggests they are two separate problems. I don't agree with the poster who basically said it's all sexual trauma - that might be relevant for women, but it's not for men
I think I am in this category.
It's difficult to describe, I've been an openly gay man for 10 years now and I never thought of myself as ashamed of being effeminate. However, now I look back at my period of questioning my gender and I think that it was because I struggled to incorporate being an effeminate man into my conception of myself. It just didn't fit somehow even though I never thought it was wrong.
Now that I have found role models and remade my self conception, like you I feel 'fixed' almost. It's a challenging thing to have experienced, it contradicts a lot of everyday wisdom about who we are and where that comes from
I didn't medically transition, so my experience may not be relevant to you, but I thought it could be useful.
So I think the number 1 thing for me was finding gay men who I could identify with. I didn't feel or want to be masculine at all really, it felt quite alien and uncomfortable to me, but when I started spending more time around other gay guys and watching media with other gay guys in it (literally RuPaul... don't judge) I felt more proud of being effeminate.
Number 2 was going to the gym. Now in retrospect I think that I didn't feel comfortable being masculine because I was just bad at it, like it didn't look right on me and I didn't feel good or sexy that way. I guess that's a type of body dysmorphia I don't know. Anyway now I'm one of those people who is borderline addicted to the gym, and I think I'd say it's clear that I've swapped one weird body obsession for another. You can probably tell by my tone I'm not necessarily recommending that for everyone, however I think it tells you something about where my discomfort came from and maybe that can illuminate your feelings too
One thing that stood out to me was you mentioned addiction. I think sometimes about taking steroids, and it occurs to me that it would be rather like me transitioning from Male to Male. I wonder if people like us have something that makes us psychologically disposed to these radical physical/medical changes in themselves, just something to think about I guess.