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Reddit user /u/UndercoverUrsine's Detransition Story

female
hated breasts
regrets transitioning
trauma
depression
influenced online
homosexual
puberty discomfort
started as non-binary
anxiety
only transitioned socially
autistic
This story is from the comments listed below, summarised by AI.
On Reddit, people often share their experiences across multiple comments or posts. To make this information more accessible, our AI gathers all of those scattered pieces into a single, easy-to-read summary and timeline. All system prompts are noted on the prompts page.

Sometimes AI can hallucinate or state things that are not true. But generally, the summarised stories are accurate reflections of the original comments by users.
Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious

Based on the comments provided, the account appears authentic. There are no serious red flags suggesting it is a bot or a bad-faith actor.

The user's narrative is consistent, detailed, and emotionally nuanced. They describe a personal journey of identifying as non-binary for years, socially transitioning, and then desisting (stopping identification as trans) without having medically transitioned. Their reflections on mental health, neurodivergence, and the social aspects of gender identity are complex and personal, which is typical of genuine detransitioners and desisters. The tone is passionate and concerned, which aligns with the warning that such individuals can be "pissed off about this topic because of the harm and stigma."

About me

My journey started as a teenager when I identified as non-binary for six years, influenced by my mental health struggles and what I saw online. I now realize my identity was shaped by trauma, ADHD, and a deep resentment towards femininity after being bullied. I'm grateful I never physically transitioned, as I've come to realize my gender doesn't really mean anything to me anymore. I've re-identified as female because that is my sex, and using she/her pronouns just makes sense. My main goal now is to find peace with my body and feel neutral about being seen as a woman.

My detransition story

My whole journey with gender started when I was a teenager. I identified as non-binary for about six years. A lot of it, looking back, came from my mental health struggles. I had a lot of "little t" trauma from my childhood—an alcoholic stay-at-home parent, an absent working parent, learning disabilities, and being bullied. I was bullied for not being feminine enough by other girls and for my sexuality. This led to really bad depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and self-harm.

I also have ADHD, and I think that played a huge role. I struggled to socialize with other girls, especially since I went to an all-girls school and felt isolated. I developed a resentment towards femininity because I associated it with the mean people who had bullied me. The internet was a big influence on me too; I'm certain I came to my trans identity because of what I saw online.

I used they/them pronouns and changed my name socially, but I never physically transitioned. I'm grateful now that my anxiety kept me from binding. The compression made my anxiety worse, and I think binding can make you feel more trans than you actually are. I also wore only sports bras for six years because I hated my breasts.

After six years, I realized it was healthier for me to identify as female again. I made a post online announcing I was using she/her pronouns again. The responses were mostly positive, and I only lost one follower. It was a relief.

My thoughts on gender now are that it's what you make it. There's no such thing as the "manliest man" or the "womanliest woman." Trying to fit into a box is a losing game. I have some masculine traits and some feminine traits, and that doesn't have to mean anything about my gender. My gender doesn't really mean anything to me anymore; all that's left is my sex, and I was born female, so using female pronouns makes sense. I don't have dysphoria or worry about my gender now.

I don't regret exploring my identity socially because it helped me figure things out, but I am so grateful I never made any permanent changes. I never took hormones or had surgery. Seeing a younger family friend now who is transitioning and who I think was influenced by me and the internet makes me really sad. I hope he is truly trans and will be happy, but I worry he might regret it later. I believe having autism or ADHD can make you more likely to believe you're trans, and I think that was a factor for both of us.

My main goal now is to be neutral about being seen as a woman and to be happy with my body for the way it is. I wish I could wake up as a body-confident cis lesbian, but I know that will take a lot of work.

Age Event
Teenager Started identifying as non-binary, used they/them pronouns. Influenced by mental health issues, trauma, and online communities.
~6 years later Stopped identifying as non-binary. Announced I was using she/her pronouns again.

Top Comments by /u/UndercoverUrsine:

15 comments • Posting since May 20, 2020
Reddit user UndercoverUrsine (self-questioning) advises a 17-year-old to wait on top surgery, emphasizing it's a permanent, life-altering decision that can be made later.
24 pointsJun 6, 2020
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I don't have a lot of answers for you, but one thing I can say is this: you can get top surgery at any time - you have many years to decide - but once your chest is gone, it is gone. This choice will stay with you for your entire life. If you read back in this sub, you'll see how other people feel about regretting gender related surgeries. There's a big TW to a lot of those, though.

I would not trust my 17 year old self with any decision that could affect my entire life, let alone gender related surgery.

I'd say wait, especially considering that you're already questioning. Best of luck to you.

Reddit user UndercoverUrsine (self-questioning) explains how avoiding chest binding due to anxiety may have prevented them from further identifying as trans, suggesting binding can make AFAB people "feel more trans."
22 pointsMay 29, 2020
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In some ways I'm grateful that my anxiety kept me from binding (the compression increased my anxiety) when I was younger due to the physical health risks, let alone the psychological ones that you've described. I definitely think there's some truth to the idea that binding can, for lack of better phrasing or explanation, make afab people feel more trans than they would otherwise feel. I do think it had that effect on me, but because I couldn't bind I got out of it.

Reddit user UndercoverUrsine (desisted female) explains how mental health and resentment of femininity led to a non-binary identity, and how defining gender for herself by rejecting idealized stereotypes allowed her to re-identify as female.
20 pointsNov 29, 2020
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gender is, in my opinion, what you make it. it's okay to try on different hats when you're young. I identified as non binary for six years starting around your age. a lot of it was because of mental health issues and having a resentment towards femininity because I associated it with mean people. it took a lot of soul searching to realize that it's healthier for me to identify as female again (afab) even if I technically """qualify""" as trans.

here's the biggest things I've taken away from my gender journey: there is no such thing as the manliest man or the womanliest (wow, that's a word?) woman. trying to measure whether or not you fit into a certain gender box will always be a losing game because you're measuring yourself against something that doesn't exist (the manliest man or womanliest woman). the best thing I did for myself was acknowledge that I have some traits that are traditionally masculine and some that are traditionally feminine, and it doesn't have to mean anything in regard to my gender. how "womanly" I am doesn't define if I'm a woman or not -- only I get to decide that. and if my gender doesn't mean anything to me, which it doesn't, then all that's left is sex, and I'm afab, so it makes sense to go with female pronouns. that was it. I don't have dysphoria or worry about my gender any more.

once again, your gender is yours to define. if you continue down the road of identifying as trans, that's an okay choice if you're mindful of how damaging the culture surrounding it can be because people are constantly comparing themselves to one another. there are plenty of lovely people in the trans community, though. things really only start to get irreversibly messy if you decide to physically transition... in which case, there are plenty of people here who can help with that.

best of luck with it all.

Reddit user UndercoverUrsine (desisted female) explains her sadness and concern that a younger person she knows came to a trans identity through internet influence and bullying, mirroring her own past experience.
14 pointsSep 9, 2021
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the social aspect of it kills me. I know I came to my trans identity because of the internet, and I’m certain the kid I know has followed a similar path, as well as his friends who are also queer, some trans some not. he was bullied for supposedly being trans starting in elementary school because of his “masculine” interests which I also believe contributed, though I’m sure some would argue that this validates his gender identity because “sometimes other kids know before you do”. I can usually force myself to not think about it but today it’s hitting a little harder because I found out his chosen name and his online persona have more-than-coincidental ties to my chosen name and the online persona I developed when I was around his age and trans. it makes me really sad. he’s always looked up to me, and I don’t like thinking that I contributed to his conclusions. I genuinely hope he is actually trans and will happily remain trans for the rest of his life and can live without regrets. But… I think the chance of that is slim. In other words, I don’t care about being right — I just don’t want to see him in pain. sorry, that got way off topic from your comment, but… I agree the internet contributes lots, and it’s hard to witness.

Reddit user UndercoverUrsine (desisted female) explains her cautious approach to discussing her detransition with a younger family friend, noting the 8-year age gap but confirming she is open to his questions.
11 pointsSep 9, 2021
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glad to know I’m not the only one ;-; the main issue is, I am 8 years older than this person so I don’t think it would be appropriate, but he does know I use she/her pronouns now instead of they/them, so if he has questions he may ask. note: I’m not befriending young teenagers as an adult, this is a family friend I’ve known for years

Reddit user UndercoverUrsine (desisted female) comments on the complex feelings of watching a loved one transition, discussing the link between trans identities, mental illness, and neurodivergence.
10 pointsSep 9, 2021
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all of my IRLs (except for my parents) think it would be overstepping. I know if someone did the same to me at that age I’d be having none of it. I’m sort of just hoping he doesn’t make permanent changes, and even though his mom (primary parent) seems to be completely supportive, I think financial barriers may give him some time. his mom is very tomboyish and still very female so it’s not like he lacks a role model… which almost makes it more frustrating. I’m almost grateful my parents were more wary about my identity so things didn’t go too fast (I was non binary for 6 years, no permanent physical changes). I’m tempted to pursue a degree that may allow me to study the link between trans identities, mental illness, and certain neurodivergent identities, which was at play for me, and I think it is for him too.

Reddit user UndercoverUrsine (desisted female) explains how autism and ADHD can strengthen the belief one is trans, agreeing that biological sex is concrete and gender is irrelevant.
10 pointsSep 10, 2021
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I so agree with your points about mental illness and neurodivergent identities. I think having autism and adhd can make the tendency to believe you’re trans so much stronger. I also agree with your last sentence — my sex is pretty concrete, and my gender is irrelevant. I think lots of people need to reach these conclusions for themselves, unfortunately.

Reddit user UndercoverUrsine (desisted female) explains how she came out as detrans on social media by updating her bio and making a supportive announcement post, which resulted in positive feedback and the loss of only one follower.
9 pointsAug 26, 2020
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I changed my name and pronouns back in my bio, but decided it was easier to just come out to people all at once because nobody really noticed. so, I made a post announcing that I’m using she/her pronouns again and thanked my followers for being here with me on my gender journey. all the responses I got were positive and I only lost one follower shrug

edit: i wrote this comment while half asleep so things were a little off, whoops

Reddit user UndercoverUrsine apologizes for confusion, cites 3 AM brain fog, and promises to reread and reply tomorrow.
7 pointsMay 20, 2020
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Oh okay! I was a little confused because it didn't line up with your narrative and I didn't recognize it was from my own stuff because it's 3 AM here and I'm braindead lolol so thank you for the clarification. I'll reread and reply to your response tomorrow when I'm more alive <3 thanks again for responding.

Reddit user UndercoverUrsine (self-questioning) advises a confused teen to wait on surgery, emphasizing they have many years to decide and should prioritize their own needs over unsupportive friends.
7 pointsJun 6, 2020
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I hear you. Once again, I’m of the opinion that it’s for the best if you wait. You have many many many years to figure this out. I know it’s hard to conceptualize life after your teens when you’re still in your teens, but more opportunities will come down the road if you do decide that surgery is right for you later on. Additionally - and I know this is hard as a teen too - your friends who don’t support you seeking to find your most authentic self are not worth keeping. Only you have to live with your body your whole life - not your friends, not your family. If you’re not in it for you, the chance for regret is pretty high.