My name isn't important, but my story is. I’m a female who transitioned to male and then detransitioned. I wanted to share my whole journey, from start to finish, in my own words.

It all started with a deep discomfort with my body, especially during puberty. I really hated my breasts. They didn't feel like they belonged to me, and I was incredibly self-conscious about them. I spent a lot of time online in communities that made me feel like these feelings meant I was a man trapped in a woman's body. I think I was easily influenced by what I read and by the friends I had at the time. Looking back, a lot of it was about escapism—trying to run away from the person I was. I also struggled with low self-esteem and depression, and I think I mistakenly linked all those negative feelings to being female.

I socially transitioned first, changing my name and pronouns. It felt like a solution at the time, like I was finally fixing something that was broken. Later, I took testosterone and eventually got top surgery. I had a double mastectomy.

I don’t regret my top surgery. I actually find a lot of comfort in it now. I never have to wear a bra, which means no more soreness from one or boob sweat. My hoodies are roomier and cozier. I even think about how I have a lower chance of getting breast cancer, and that famous women like Angelina Jolie had the procedure and still look great. It’s a part of my body now, and I’ve made peace with it.

But I do have other regrets about my transition. I regret not understanding myself better before making permanent changes. I realize now that a lot of my drive to transition was tangled up with internalized issues. I thought that by becoming male, I could escape the parts of being female that I disliked. I also had some internalized homophobia to work through. I can see now that you can be a man and be feminine, or be a woman and be masculine. The two don't have to be linked. I wish I had known that it was okay to just be a masculine woman.

I benefited greatly from therapy, but it was non-affirming therapy that really helped me. My therapist didn't just affirm my desire to transition; she helped me ask the hard questions about why I wanted to. She helped me dig into my depression, my anxiety, and my low self-esteem, and I started to see that my gender discomfort was a symptom of those deeper problems, not the root cause itself.

My sexuality changed through all of this. Before transition, I identified as a lesbian. After I started living as a man, I dated straight women. Now that I’ve detransitioned and am living as a woman again, I’m with a man. I’ve learned that my attraction is to the person, not their gender, so I guess I’d call myself bisexual. My partner is a successful, good-looking man, and my flat chest has never been an issue for him or for other partners I’ve had. If anyone asked about my scars, I’d just say I had a breast reduction that went badly.

I’ve become more aware of how political this all is. I feel like my very existence as a detransitioner is sometimes seen as a political argument. It feels easier for people to come out as trans than as detrans because there's a fear that we're a threat or that we're trying to invalidate them. I made a friend in college who is trans, and when I told them I was detransitioned, they were really understanding. It showed me that it really depends on the person's maturity. Some people might be scared to be around a detransitioner because they’re insecure in their own identity and fear they might be influenced to detransition too.

My thoughts on gender now are that it’s incredibly complex, but bodies are biological reality. I used to think I could become biologically male, but you can’t. Taking cross-sex hormones can cause serious health complications, and surgeries can result in losing sexual function or becoming infertile. It’s so important to go into it with your eyes wide open, fully accepting these permanent truths.

Here is a timeline of my journey: