I'm an androphilic trans woman affected by autogynephilia. I'm a weird outlayer in this category. Most AGPs are gynephilic. I am an overlap between the homosexual transsexual and the autogynephile transsexual.

The jealousy of women was so bad that I hated myself so much for looking like a man. I have always for as long as I can remember desired to look aesthetically like a woman. That's the only way for me to experience happiness and self appreciation. When I looked like a man I intentionally avoided mirrors.

I just don't feel like a man.

I know I'm male. No question about that. I know that I will never be a real female. But life as an estrogenized male is still preferable to me than life as a testosteronized male.

I don't regret anything about having transitioned. I just hate trans politics and trans ideology. We are not real women and never will be. That doesn't mean that some of us are truly helped by medically transitioning though. I consider myself fortunate for having medically transitioned.

I also had an insurmountable amount of internalized homophobia that no longer ruins my life. I can have meaningful relationships with men now without feeling disgusted. Before HRT I was sad and depressed. Every effeminate gender non conforming gay guy I knew grew old all alone. While trans women I knew had long-term relationships and less hard day to day lives if they were passable.

I'm in transition for 4 years right now and honestly, it did improve my life.

I like what I see in the mirror. I never had that before I transitioned.

I think SRS is a horrible surgery though.

HRT however is something I'm not opposed to.

I definitely couldn't go back to life on testosterone. It just didn't feel right.

But I'm not a real woman and will never claim I am. I am a trans woman. An artificially feminized male. I'm good with that.

I finally feel balanced. I also prefer the emotional effects of E to those of T. T just didn't feel like me. E feels more genuinely right for me personally.

Chu is clearly the AGP type. Her appearence, word choice like '' crushing on myself '' and '' sexless marriage with myself '' tell it all. What's more remarkable is that Chu is more the type of transvestic fetishist AGP '' instead of the anatomical AGP. Chu should have stayed a crossdresser. She admits herself that transition happened on an impulsive whim. Also the need to mention when she bought her first bra, wore her first dress etc are more common for transvestic fetishists than for anatomical AGP sufferers. Transvestic AGPs were not recommended to transition by Blanchard, only anatomical AGPs and intensely dysphoric HSTSs were encouraged to transition by Blanchard. Chu experiences sex change regret. Lynn Conway warns against SRS for fetishists in her online edu guide.

Oh look what we have here :'' I'm not like those fake transes, those perverts. I'm a real gurl because I had the operation and the titty pills 40 years ago ''.

Sorry, grandpa, but if you think all other trans women are men then you are a man too. Either all trans women are women or none are women. No in between.

Because I want to hear all sides before I decide. Right now I hate my penis with a burning passion. I don't want to be touched down there. I'm scared that I will still feel like it's too much of a penis when I get SRS. I mean that it will still cause me dysphoria if penetrated in the neovagina because it's made from penis tissue. Was that a problem you faced?

Anal is okay with me but I want to be able to have a heterosexual relationship with a man in all respects. Right now anal feels like some mediocre solution at best.

We shouldn't push hormones but neither should we push other medications here. We are not doctors. Only a doctor can rule in accordance with the patient's needs and wants.

Giving emotional support is one thing. Giving medical advice without having a license is another one.

Because there are subs that deal with paranormal stuff and alternative religions like Wiccah and what not but you can't expect people to engage in your fantasy if you ask them a question about something medical science has long sworn off in a sub that doesn't cater to paranormality and sorcery.

I understand why you wouldn't detransition. If you had SRS you would still be a social outcast as a man with a neovagina, just as much as as a trans woman. So in your case there may be nothing to gain by detransition because you could never undo the effects of E on your appearence, to have a normal male appearence again.

I have been on HRT for 4 years now and am non-op. I think if I were to stop E I would still look like a weird male because I started quite young and developed large breasts and my hip bones widened because I wasn't done growing. I would be a social outcast if I detransitioned. Some people make detransitioning appear like a logic solution for everyone who transitioned and opposes trans ideology. While it's not that cut and dry.

I suffer gender dysphoria, a mental illness. HRT helps me live with that mental illness. Doesn't mean I believe that I'm female. Just that life on T would be harder for me because I can't get accostumed to the effects.

I'm in sort of a same situation as yourself. Even in men's clothes I get gendered female. My voice has never dropped during puberty and I'm only 5'5''. I get gendered female pretty much always. I present as a woman because that is less stressful. When I present as a man I get double takes.

After a couple years on HRT and looking at the trans ideology differently, I have reached what they call "eunuch calmth". I don't care anymore what others think about me.

Edit: why can't you take testosterone? The fact you had SRS wouldn't really make it more dangerous for you to take testosterone since you don't have an actual vagina but a rearranged penis? Or is it more of a choice because you feel better on estrogen than testosterone? For me it's the latter. I feel better on E.

You want to be a puer aeternus, an eternal child. That's honestly even worse. You probably can't help it since you went on blockers before your frontal lobe was developed. Good luck in finding peace with yourself. Just do remember that being a eunuch is the same as being a transgender woman who keeps her penis, has her testes removed and goes on estrogen. Only difference is that one has osteoporosis and the other one not.

Calling an orchiectomy something casual is however mental illness. I don't think you have any grip on reality at this point at all. An orchiectomy is very serious business.

I can relate a lot to your post. I transitioned 4 years ago. Just HRT and laser hair removal and living as a woman. A lot of my reasons to transition were rooted in internalized homophobia. I have always found women more attractive than men though. So looking like a woman but with a penis was kind of an easy way out of a life as a stigmatized gay dude for me. I didn't want to live as a gay man. As a trans woman I can attract better looking men, men who are more willing to start a relationship as long as friends and family don't know etc. I also am not discriminated against for being feminine, since I'm perceived as a woman. For me this was the best option. I do not regret anything. I am also more in touch with my emotions on E and more numbed. On T I was worrying all the time. On E I'm more numb. Which I like. I also look younger and more attractive than I used to look on T. I didn't notice any difference in intellectual and cognitive capacities. Still the same as before. I have however realised that SRS is not for me. I think I would regret SRS were I to get it. I want to live as a '' shemale'' for lack of a better word. Living as a gay man would actually be worse in my humble opinion than living as a passable and relatively attractive trans woman. I do believe that some of the men who contact me are straight.