In the trans community, cis is often portrayed as bad because they often stereotype us as bigoted, not understanding "the complexities" of gender identity, and simple minded. Trans is being seen as the more enlightened state, while cis is seen as being a mindless drone capitulating to societal gender norms. I guess it comes off from the idea of them resenting gender conformity in general, and seeing it as oppressive. Obviously also being cis means you lack "minority status" which means trans people can talk over you like you're some kind of oppressor.

It's just toxic behaviour, narcissism and bullying. It's putting a moral value judgement on gender identity. It probably comes from a lot of insecurity, or possibly trans people doubting the validity of their own gender identities. For many (especially young) people, it's easy to buy into this out of fear of being labelled transphobic, or not being given a voice to speak about their struggles with gender, be it sexism, body dysmorphia, etc.

I... actually kinda think this might be a good thing? Bear with me. We've already known for years that the rate of detransitioners is way bigger than the often touted 1%, and we've had our suspicions that detrans research is being held back, so... if they're finally actually coming clean about that, I would think that's a sign of the WPATH crumbling.

Sure, they might say "it doesn't matter" and "we'll still push for transition" yadda yadda, but I'm getting the impression there's quite a lot of increasing pushback against that, and at least some of that is thanks to us stepping forward. Although also findings about other morally questionable things the WPATH has been up to, as well.

Of course, we can't know if they might succeed with this kinda doubling down, but there is a chance they might not.

So all that said, that actually makes me feel hopeful, that they're actually admitting this now. It's gonna be way harder for them to continue suppressing detrans data from now on. Since I already knew this, I feel pleased that it's finally out in the open. Obviously it's way too soon to start bringing out the champaigne though.

Most people are gonna care more about, and empathize more with, their own group than outside groups. So even if some trans people do genuinely care about detransitioner's well-being, they're gonna prioritize trans people's well-being above ours. But same thing happen in reverse though. We generally care more about and prioritize detransitioners over trans people. That's not inherently bad though, but there's a fine line between "prioritizing your own kind" and "willing to make shut worse for anyone who isn't your kind."

Truth is, a trans kid who regrets not having transitioned early can still transition later, without a significant loss to what they can achieve. They might have to get more surgeries to reach that goal, but not a lot is gonna be completely unobtainable. But a detransitioner has a lot more significant losses than a desister who never transitioned does, and may have several issues that can never be undone or reconstructed.

So the trans side being willing to walk all over detransitioners in their pursuit to simply pass better, is more sinister than detransitioners merely wanting for transition to be post-poned into adulthood. Because "taking" something from someone forever is quite objectively than doing so only for a certain time. Although I don't think trans and detransition is a perfect 1:1 comparison.

I hope this doesn't come off as too blunt, but you seriously need to work on your self esteem. You're projecting at rocket speed, and yes this will make other people scrutinize your body because you keep hyperfocusing on how gross you feel.

I normally never scrutinize other people's bodies, whether it's some random stranger or an intimate partner, but if they have really low self esteem and constantly talk of their bodies as gross, yes that does make me start thinking negatively about their bodies too. Because someone's level of confidence does actually have a huge impact on how we feel about their appearances. And if you hyperfocus on things you don't like about yourself, you're drawing attention to those aspects instead of the things you feel good about.

This creates a vicious cycle of feeling unattractive because now other people also focus on and critisize the aspects you don't like about yourself because you brought them to attention, which further fuels your feeling that those aspects are indeed unattractive. You need to break that pattern. Maybe just try to focus more on the aspects you like about yourself instead.

That might be what's happening with your boyfriend. He likely wouldn't have thought twice about the size of your genitals had you not obsessed about it yourself. Or he might just be tired of your alarmingly unhealthy body image and how it affects your connection with him. He wants you to feel good but he can't make you feel good. I know I would feel bad in his position. Because I have been, in my previous relationships. And after a while you start feeling helpless and almost like it's your fault for failing loving your partner strongly enough that they'd feel attractive. Part of loving someone is you want them to feel good and attractive, so not achieving that might feel like your love isn't being received. Being attracted to someone who hates their own body is mentally taxing, but also not easy to talk to a partner about.

I can't diagnose you but it's pretty clear to me that you have body dysmorphia, which is a psychological condition that can be treated. The problem is in your mind, not with your body.

That said, most genitals are not aesthetically pretty. They're kinda weird and wrinkly with gazillion layers of strange folds. So I don't think anyone thinks any kinda genital is good looking per se. What most people like about genitals is the pleasure they give and receive, and yes many also care about if the genitals are of the male or female variety, but that's about it.

Porn and social media has really destroyed people's confidence about their genitals. And it's especially difficult for women with larger genitals and men with smaller genitals. But that doesn't mean that most people outside of porn and toxic social media give a damn about an extra/lacking inch here or there.

That said, however, your difficulty with sensation does sound like a serious medical issue I'd recommend you see a doc for. Maybe they can help you with that. Have you tried even just googling that issue for tips on how you can improve it? And please, please see a therapist about your body dysmorphia before you hurt yourself for real. There is a reason why female "circumcision" (fgm) is outlawed, and if you fail to see that, that is extremely concerning. Please treat your body with the respect that it deserves, and allow yourself to grieve your losses from transition. But actually process that grief, don't let it consume you.

I think of it that way sometimes too, and honestly it helps me feel validated from within despite still passing as male. Just knowing that I have a natural vagina, ovaries, xx-chromosomes, female bone structure, uterus, etc, is validating me as a woman no matter what I look like on the surface, what my hormone levels are, etc. That helps me keep going even though it's hard sometimes to see a positive physical outcome of my detransition medically.

Back when I id'ed as ftm, passing felt never "good enough" because I couldn't become "cis" male. But now in detransition, although passing is still important to me (ie to stop passing as male) just being female for real is what truly makes me feel good about identifying and living as a woman. Because it's really just me (slowly but certainly) closing the gap between my physical reality and my dysphoric mind. Which yes, is the opposite of trying to become someone/something else, escapism, disconnect.

This journey (detransition) also feels validating simply because it's actually obtainable. Technically we all already have it. It's not so much about changing the body to fit the mind as it's changing the mind to accept what we can't control. And I believe that's always possible, even if sometimes also a huge struggle. At least it's more possible than changing sex.

You don't have to suffer for all eternity just because you made a mistake. I regret my double mastectomy too, but I'm now determined to make up for that mistake, to correct it any way I can. Not to make it un-done because that's not possible, but to find ways to forgive myself, connect with my body and find closure.

And for me that means getting a reconstruction if I so have to fight tooth and nail to get it, lots of therapy to process my grief, and finding ways to make breast forms and the chunky granny mastectomy bras work for me.

Yes, there are clothes I can't wear right now, but I do feel I look quite alright with more high neckline shirts and dresses that can fully cover that kinda bra. There are many different types of breast forms, and I've found bad ones that look porny and are overfilled, and good ones with less protrution and density that look natural. And I like that breast forms allow me to experiment with what kinda size breasts/implants I'd want. And I focus on that at least I can look alright when fully dressed.

That I really miss being able to show cleavage, go braless, wear spagetti-tops, push-up bras, deep V-necks, normal swimwear, be able to have sex again, etc, I take as motivation for reconstruction. Something I can say to the doc as reasons for why I really need a reconstruction. All of my reasons why I struggle so much with my flat chest are ammunition and motivation now, to improve my situation and continue moving towards my goal of repairing both my mind and body, and the severed connection between the two.

I urge you to take your painful feelings and frustrations and turn them into fuel for your fire as well. It's way easier than to try to get rid of those feelings. Make them worth their stay instead. It may be difficult to figure out how you can get reconstruction, but I highly doubt it's impossible. Even if you can only put away 10 dollars a month, it adds up. Or if your current insurance doesn't cover it, you may be able to argue that case, or find one that can. You've come this far, why give up now?

Basically I accidentally discovered that I could make my dysphoria go away/heal by treating my past trauma, gender related hangups, sexual issues, general identity issues, etc, which I started doing just to work on my anxiety and stuff like that. Back then I had no idea my dysphoria was so connected to all my other issues. It didn't seem like it at all. So yeah, my discovery (that I can actually be happy as a woman) was completely accidental and took me by surprise. And that discovery then led me to want to detrans.

I dunno if it's really a fetish (ie sexualized) or just envy, ie "the grass is greener on the other side" sorta thing. I mean when I was trans ftm I used to really envy males' ability to impregnate and shoot sperm out of their genitals. I wouldn't say it was sexual per se, but rather just envy of an ability I didn't have and could never have. And I'd think a lot of males feel similarly about women.

Sure, there are men who do terrible things because of that womb envy, but I don't think the womb envy itself is the problem. Other than that... obviously it's a bad thing to be consumed by envy of something you can't have. I've met lots of genuinely good men who've admitted they do envy women's ability to basically create life, but they just don't let it get to their heads, and put into appreciating women instead. And I've even heard it theorized that that's why so many more men are inventors of all sorts of things, as some kinda substitute.

That said, it still kinda creeps me out when transwomen are trying so hard to find ways to get pregnant, give birth, breast feed, or heck even just claim to have periods. It does feel insulting. I also don't think that's in any way a healthy way of coping with envy. Especially when they go oyt of their way to get sterilized and then have the gall to compare themselves to women who are infertile by no fault of their own. I think it's the reality denial that gets me. And just shoehorning themselves into actual women's experiences. It does feel respectless, regardless of whatever the reason for why they feel that way.

And sure, there are some mtf who act fetishistic about it. But no I don't think it's fetish in most cases, including the example above. I don't think most mtf's who get srs are driven by fetish. Most agp's have no interest in that. So I think this is more likely just plain old male entitlement. Or just envy that's gotten to his head.

Women have been hostile towards gnc women since forever. Sure, with some trans people getting bolder about going into sex segregated spaces without passing, it has increased the tension about gnc people in general.

But I think it has more to do with that in the past, most male-looking people entering for ex bathrooms were gnc women and usually explaining "I'm a woman" was enough because people agreed on what a woman is. Also back then it wasn't too difficult to just toss out any obvious man who did enter a women's space. But nowadays the meaning of the word woman has been diluted making in impossible to believe it when a male-looking person says "I'm a woman" and no longer possible to just toss out an obvious male without someone getting sued over it. "Gender identity" protection laws are probably a bit to blame for that.

So well, basically I see it as partially the fault of gender ideology for messing with what was largely functional social norms (or at less less dysfunctional than now) and partially I blame transphobes for hating on anyone even remotely gnc whether trans or not.

I kinda feel like that too. Even tho I transitioned, pass as male, have a beard. I am a hairy girl with a deep voice, lol. But that's just the thing. I feel like that's all transitioning can really do: make me a hairy woman with a deep voice. Although I still like it, because I just like looking like a man, even though I'm still a woman.

The mirror image is pleasing to me. Although it's also hard to face at the same time. I switch between regret and appreciation for my frankenstein creation. Like I'm a beautiful monster, or an ugly angel. Perhaps bits of both. Maybe why I like it, is because it lets me see what I could have kinda looked like if I had been male. Maybe it just still feels exciting and comforting. I wear it as my armour against misogyny. It's my useless comfort blanket. I couldn't abandon it.

It may not be real maleness in a biological sense, but it's real in some other sense. It's actual hair growing, my vocal chords are actually thicker, my breasts are actually gone, etc. I've cemented my mask and made it my true face. That's a scary thought sometimes. But that's kinda how I feel. Like a woman with a permanent male mask. I just have to wear it now, and try to explain to people that it's just a mask. It's difficult when they refuse to believe me.

Although my life is complicated as a transitioned female, I wouldn't want it undone. And if I had never transitioned... I'm pretty sure I would have never stopped craving it. And knowing that, I'm kinda glad that I satisfied that craving. Because I'd somehow rather know and be disillusioned by the lie, than not know at all. But people are different when it comes to that sorta thing. I'm an idiot for knowledge and experience. Always have been. I continue to make rash, permanent decisions, as if I'm deciding what to eat for dinner. That has its risks, but I continue to crave change and growth.

Similarly to you, but in reverse, I wish I could try out looking like a woman again, without doing anything permanent. It's been so long. I've forgotten what it felt like. And I wonder what I would have looked like by now. But I think I'm better off moving on with my life, instead of getting stuck in heavy "what if's."

I got what I wished for, now I wanna embrace it. But I don't wanna embrace it as a man. I want to embrace it as an altered woman, because that's what I am. I think it's always the hardest to embrace what you actually are, regardless of what that is, and that's a quite shitty thing about life.

It was easy to embrace myself as a (trans) man before. A little too easy. Now I've got myself a much more proper challenge. I just live my life on "hard mode" it seems, haha. Well that's what I get for craving growth and wisdom! I should definitely be more careful with what I wish for, but I don't think I will be.