I also lost out on life a lot , in large part due to the transgender stuff. I dropped out of school, cut off contact with my family, had more trouble than usual making friends, and lost out on work and travel opportunities. I was so worried about people considering me a girl, that I felt the need to hide myself until my body got masculine enough that no one would ever consider me a girl.

But even with everyone considering me a guy (and I was never out as transgender, people just always assumed I was a real man), it was never enough. I remained uncomfortable with myself, because I wanted to be a real man, but the hormones and mastectomy still didn't turn me into a real man.

Now that I've accepted that I'm female, have a masculine personality, and it's okay to be both those those things at once, I feel at peace with myself. I can move forward in life now.

Also, I know this isn't the case for everyone, but I'm actually glad now that I didn't date as a teen. Most teen relationships are short-term, and many have lots of drama, and other issues. I'm a better version of myself now than when I was a teen, and I can find a man who's also a better version of himself now.

A lot people who aren't transgender also didn't get the experience you see in movies and social media. Those things are usually like highlight reels for people. Of course it might've been nice to have some of those things you see. But know that you are not alone in having missed out. Many people have better adulthoods than teen years.

We can't convince you whether of not you're "actually" trans, because being transgender is considering yourself the opposite sex, trying to have other people consider you the opposite sex, and possibly making physical changes to yourself to look more like the opposite sex. If you're doing those things, then you're actually trans.

If you mean whether you're actually the opposite sex or not, then from a scientific/ medical standpoint you can only make yourself appear as the opposite sex, not be one of them. You will never have the chromosomes, or reproductive organs of a male if you're female, and vice versa. Bottom surgeries give you very minimally functioning genitals, you won't be able to do most of the things that a person who naturally has those genitals can do. And it does matter what genitals you have, and if they're natural or not, because it impacts any potential romantic/ sexual relationships, and your ability to have biological children. Aside from that, the hormones can only do so much work on your body. Most people still maintain many physical traits from their biological sex, no matter how long they've been on hormones.

There's nothing wrong with mentally having more in common with the oposite sex. I think society has regressed in recent years, because now gender roles have become more rigid. People say if you don't fit most of the stereotypes of your own sex, then you're not a "real" woman, or "real" man. But we can either accept our birth sex, and challenge society's notions of what a man or woman is, or we can always feel like there's something wrong with the way we were born.

I too sometimes struggle with jealousy towards the opposite sex. It does hurt at times to know I'll never be a man. But I'm trying to reframe that jealousy as appreciation. Appreciation of what I do have, and what I'm capable of. And appreciation of what men have and what they're capable of. It would be a shame if I let jealousy taint my perspective on all men, when there have been many, many men who've had a positive influence on my life. And it would be a shame to wallow in my own misery about not being a man, when I can instead make the best of what I do have. There are some very specific things I can't do that a man can, but I can still do almost everything a man can, and I can do some very specific things that men can't do.

I see a lot of similarities in your story to mine. I felt different from other girls ever since I can remember. I always felt I could relate to and understand boys and men better, that my personality, interests, and opinions were more similar to that of boys. I remember hearing of the word 'tomboy' when I was 7, I looked it up in the dictionary and I thought that's me. If I couldn't be an actual boy, then I wanted to be seen as a masculine girl. As a child, I actually believed that I might somehow magically turn into a boy one day, just because I felt that I had so much more in common with the boys than girls. So when puberty hit, I was shocked. It didn't help that I hadn't been told much about puberty, aside from what periods are, so it was very confusing to me.

I stopped wearing particularly feminine clothes for the most part around 7 or 8, I had never heard of crossdressing or transgender, I just didn't like how uncomfortable and impractical feminine clothes could be. Then around 14 I started wearing men's clothes, since at that point I was big enough to fit into small sizes of men's clothing.

I didn't fully hit puberty until 13, but when it happened I felt awful. I've since learned that it's actually relatively common for girls to feel uncomfortable going through puberty, it's just not talked about as much as it should be. Even my own mom, who's quite feminine, used to try and hide her breasts, because she felt they brought her unwanted attention.

I was seen as masculine enough that people would also often think I was a boy, even before I started doing a medical transition. Not only is my personality on the masculine side, but I'm also a bit taller, broader shouldered, deeper voiced, hairier, and much stronger than the average woman.

I did the medical transition, testosterone at 18, and breasts removed at 19. I was scheduled to have a hysterectomy and oophorectomy at 20, but thankfully covid cancelled that surgery, and gave me time to reconsider things.

I was always questioning whether I should transition or not. But I felt my only options were to either be a feminine woman, or be a "man". Now I realize I was wrong. There's nothing wrong with being a masculine woman, or a feminine man. Those types of people aren't very common, nor are they represented in the media very much, but it doesn't mean they don't exist.

I get what you mean about feeling that the way you are is more than just being a tomboy. Sometimes I'll see women who I thought were relatively masculine, and then next thing you know they're all dressed up feminine as can be for a special event or whatever. But not all tomboys/ masculine women are like that. Most do seem to be, but being female doesn't mean you have to dress and act a certain way, it just means your body is different from males.

I still wear men's clothes, I still have the same masculine personality and interests as before, I don't even shave my body, I just get rid of the facial hair. I've come to accept that I am female. It took a while, but now I'm okay with my body. I do find the feminine parts of my body to be a bit gross, but I realize lots of people have things they don't like about their bodies. And I'm only attracted to men, so I think it's normal to find parts of my body unappealing.

No matter what you do, you will never be fully male. I'd recommend you research online the results of metoidioplasty and phalloplasty. It's nothing like actual male parts, and they definitely don't function like male parts. Not to mention the dangers and high risk of complications from those surgeries.

I can relate to much of this. I feel free now that I'm not constantly worried about whether people notice the female aspects of my body. I still wear all men's clothes, but now I can wear whatever men's clothing I want, without thinking things like "I can't wear those pants, they make my hips noticeable". For a couple years, I would even wear sweaters on hot days cause I didn't want my small waist to be noticeable.

Oddly enough, I also moved to a different region by myself, where everyone considers me a man, but will move back to the region I grew up in later this year. Also still don't mind being considered a man, but it feels dishonest towards people who know me.

About dating, and being unlovable, I used to feel like I could never date, or be loved, unless I were as much of a male as possible. But I never felt male enough, and I realized that hormones and surgeries would never give me the results I was expecting. I also tried to make myself attracted to women, because I thought that's how masculine men are "supposed" to be, and I didn't want a relationship like my parents. But I could never have any attraction to women beyond thinking some of them are pretty. Meanwhile my attraction to men has always been strong and involuntary. Now that I've accepted that I'm a woman and attracted to men, I feel like I can actually be loved one day.

How have you gone about applying to new jobs as a male, if presumably your legal documents haven't been changed back to male yet?

losing sight of detransition as a form of self-acceptance imo is a disservice, especially when for some people (i'd argue a fair few people) transition is a form of escapism from aspects of themselves or their lives that they dislike.

I realized recently, that a big part of the reason for me wanting to be a man, was so that I wouldn't have to face the reality of being so different from most other women. It seems as though I'm an outlier in almost everything when it comes to what's considered normal female personalities, interests, ways of thinking, etc. Being a "man" made me normal. Being a woman means I need to accept that I am different, a weirdo/outlier basically. It takes more mental effort to come to terms with being an unusual woman, but following the truth has better long-term outcomes than living a lie.

I'd recommend you tell them the root causes of why you felt you were transgender, similar to how you told us in your post. This wasn't just some random trans phase, you had genuine problems you were/are dealing with, and those problems wound up getting mixed up with the transgender stuff.

My parents were okay with me being masculine for many things, but they were adamantly against transition.

My parents and I both decided to cut off contact with eachother. A few years later I got back in touch with my mom. She was uncomfortable with things, but she was worried about losing her relationship with me again, so she kept those thoughts to herself.

I wasn't sure how to tell her either that I no longer considered myself a man. Things were going well between us, and I was worried she would expect me to act feminine if I told her. But one day I just couldn't take it anymore. I had to tell someone. So I wrote a gigantic email to her explaining everything. I told her what I had done, and how I feel about myself now. That I now accept that I'm female, what caused me to not want to be female, what made me question being transgender, and that I realized there's nothing wrong with me having a masculine personality and interests- in fact I like the masculine aspects of myself, and wouldn't want to change those things.

To my surprise, my mom had a really positive reaction. She said she was really happy that I accept myself now, that it hurt her to see me feeling so horrible about myself.

I've yet to tell other people, because honestly I just don't care what people think of me. My boss has even made a couple comments that I look like a girl- little does he know I am one. I will tell more people eventually, but for now it's not something that bothers me. I just look fairly androgynous. I'm moving back to the region I grew up in soon, so I'll be more open with people then.

I had a type of reverse situation as you, in that my mom, and society in general, made me view women as sensitive and agreeable, amongst other things. I'm not a sensitive or agreeable person, I'm rather stoic and assertive. So that's part of why I thought I must be a man, because that's how men are "supposed" to be, not women.

I don't consider myself a ciswoman either (or transgender). I've heard of other people saying that it's basically a slur, and I agree with that. The term cisgender is relatively new, and it's used to disregard any discomfort a person who's not transgender may feel about their sex. For example, someone who's been sexually assaulted is very likely to hate being their sex at times, but that doesn't mean they are any less of a woman or man. Most people don't wake up in the morning and feel affirmed about their sex. They just know they have the body that they have, and they move on with life. You are a man or woman based on how your body is, not by how you feel about your body.

Unfortunately, I highly doubt there's anything you can do to have a high pitch scream again. Some singers do vocal exercises to expand their range, but you probably won't be able to go as high pitch as before. I stopped being able to scream like that 4 years before I even started testosterone, because I've always had a deeper voice than the average child or woman. My voice was actually only slightly higher pitch than a lot the women here who post recordings of their post-testosterone voice. Some women simply aren't physically capable of screaming like that, even if they never took testosterone before. I personally don't mind not being able to scream. I can understand though how it could be frustrating, if that's something you used to be able to do, and liked doing.

For the first situation, what I'd do is yell for help, and maybe say things like "let me go", "you're hurting me", etc. if applicable. Maybe in a higher pitch than I usually speak, but still in my normal speaking voice. I wouldn't try to scream like you did before (by going into an upper range of your voice, in/above falsetto), because like you said, it just sounds funny.

For the second situation, there's other sounds you can make, you don't have to stay silent. There's "wooooo" or "aaaaaaaaaah" for example.

I've heard a couple of the recordings you posted of your voice, and you sound very feminine to me. So I'm sure you'd still come accross as feminine to other people, even if you can't do a high pitch scream anymore.