Looking back, my whole journey with gender started from a really young age. I was born female, but I never fit into the girly mold. I had two older brothers who were my whole world. Everything they did seemed more fun and more interesting. I remember being about four years old and visiting my cousins, who were also boys around the same age. They all ran off together to do "boy things," and I wanted so badly to be included, to be one of them. That feeling never really went away.

My brothers had a huge influence on me, especially before they left to join the navy. The house was rowdy and loud in a way I loved. Once they were gone, everything changed. My parent became very strict about me acting like a girl. It felt like a hard push into femininity that I deeply resisted. I wasn't even allowed to cut my hair short. I remember my grandmother even commented once that my hair's texture would never be right if it wasn't cut off occasionally, but it didn't matter. The message was clear: I had to look and act a certain way.

Because of this, I grew up with a lot of discomfort with myself. I didn't like the way I looked and I really neglected myself. I had all these markers that people might associate with being a lesbian—I hated dolls, didn't care about marriage or babies, and was a total tomboy—but I've always loved men. That disconnect was confusing for a long time. I think a lot of my feelings were about wanting the freedom and acceptance my brothers had, not necessarily about wanting to be male.

I started reading and hearing about transition online. I saw how it was talked about, almost like a trend. I noticed that a lot of men were demanding testosterone from their doctors, or buying it off the street, to become hyper-masculine "gym bros." It seemed fake to me, like they were chasing a feeling or a performance. I even saw comments about how some men did it for the "euphoria boner." It made me question the whole thing. Was I just chasing an idea of freedom that I saw represented by masculinity?

I never medically transitioned. I thought about it, but seeing how it was promoted made me pull back. I'm glad I did. My regret isn't about surgeries or hormones I took, because I didn't take any. My regret is that I spent so long being confused and unhappy, thinking the problem was my body, when really it was about the roles I was forced into and the freedom I saw my brothers enjoy that I was denied. I don't believe in gender the way I used to. I think now it's mostly about social expectations and stereotypes. For me, it was an attempt to escape the box I was put in. I'm just a woman who doesn't fit the stereotype, and that's okay.