My whole journey with gender was confusing, and looking back, I see how many different things played a part. I was born female, and for a long time, I was just a tomboy. I loved having short hair; it felt rebellious and cool, like the female celebrities I saw. My mom was fine with it because it was just a style. It’s strange to me now that people see a girl with short hair and immediately think she must be a trans man or non-binary. It feels like brainwashing. Tomboys have always existed, and it’s sad that’s not really allowed anymore.

I think a lot of my discomfort started during puberty. I have PCOS, which means my body naturally produces more testosterone and less estrogen. I hated the changes, especially developing breasts. It felt wrong, like my body was betraying me. I didn’t have the words for it then, but I now see it as a mix of puberty discomfort and maybe some body dysmorphia. I felt like I didn't fit in with other girls, and I started to believe that my dislike for my female body meant I wasn't really a woman.

I spent a lot of time online, and I was definitely influenced by what I saw. The message I kept hearing was that if you hate your body and don’t feel like a girl, you must be trans. It seemed like an escape from all the discomfort and the low self-esteem I was feeling. I started identifying as non-binary first, and then later as a trans man. It felt like I had finally found an answer.

I took testosterone for a while. I don’t think the testosterone itself was the problem with emotions; I think it’s more about society’s expectations for men to be tough. I’ve seen men who are emotional and can cry, and that’s beautiful. With my PCOS, I already had higher T levels, and I was still an emotional person because that’s just who I am. The hormones didn’t change that core part of me.

I eventually got top surgery. At the time, it felt like a necessary step to finally feel comfortable. But now, I have serious regrets. I look at the fact that in my country, a young person can’t get a tattoo or use a digital wallet, but they can have a mastectomy or a hysterectomy. It doesn’t make sense. For young women, removing the uterus is especially dangerous and can lead to serious health complications, like heart issues. I didn't think about the long-term consequences, like the fact that I am now infertile. I was so focused on fixing how I felt in the moment.

My thoughts on gender have changed completely. I don’t believe you need to change your body to be a certain way. I think I was trying to escape from the discomfort of being a female who didn’t fit a perfect stereotype. I benefited from stepping away from the affirming-only perspective and allowing myself to question things. I realize now that I was influenced by online spaces and that my feelings were more about hating the specific changes from puberty and my PCOS, not about being born the wrong sex.

I do regret transitioning. I regret the permanent changes I made to my body. I miss what I lost. I wish I had been encouraged to explore why I felt so uncomfortable instead of being fast-tracked towards medical intervention. I’m just a woman who had a hard time with puberty and didn't get the right kind of help when I needed it most.

Here is a timeline of my journey: