My whole journey with gender started when I was a kid. I loved being active, running and doing cartwheels, and I always felt like my body was just a tool for having fun. But when I hit puberty, things got really hard. I hated the changes, especially my chest developing. It made being active uncomfortable and I had a lot of sensory issues with it. I vividly remember begging my parents for a breast reduction as a teenager, not even knowing that top surgery was an option.

Around the same time, I started having horrific periods because of endometriosis. I was in so much pain that I had a period that lasted for six months straight. It was during that time that I told my mom, “I need to be a boy.” But even before the pain started, I was already thinking I wanted to be a boy, so it’s hard to say where the feeling truly began. The idea of pregnancy also terrified me; it felt like a death sentence, and I was so against it that my mom used to joke I should work at an abortion clinic.

I started to believe that transitioning was the answer. I thought that if I became a man, it would fix the discomfort I felt with my body and the deep fear I had about my reproductive health. In the area where I live, you can't get top surgery without first being on testosterone, so I essentially saw taking testosterone as a necessary step to get the surgery I thought I needed.

Looking back, I think I, like a lot of people, believed that transition would fix all my life issues. I didn't properly address the other things going on—the trauma from the chronic pain, the sensory issues, and just the general discomfort of growing up. I’ve realized that transitioning only fixes one specific issue, if it fixes anything at all, and it can sometimes create new problems on top of the old ones.

After a lot of reflection, I’ve come to a different understanding. I had a hysterectomy because of the severe endometriosis, and I don’t regret that at all—it was medically necessary and ended my suffering. But it’s made me think about the rest of my transition. I’ve realized that my intense dislike for my chest is rooted more in sensory issues and discomfort than in actually being the wrong gender. I’m able to accept now that this is the body I was born with, and that’s final. I still don’t love my chest, and I don't think I ever will be fully comfortable with it, but I understand the reasons better now.

I don’t think there’s a right way to be a woman. I see now that a lot of the pressure I felt, and that other women feel, comes from strict gender ideology. Even feminine, heterosexual women can feel intense dysphoria about their bodies because of these expectations. My feelings were real, but I misinterpreted their source.

I don’t regret the hysterectomy because it saved me from pain. But I do have regrets about seeing testosterone as a solution. I’m questioning everything now and trying to figure out what’s right for me moving forward. I’m even trying out a new name for myself, and so far it feels good. My thoughts on gender are that it’s incredibly complex, and it’s so important to untangle it from other issues like physical health problems, trauma, and low self-esteem before making permanent changes.