From what you’ve reported, you’ve read a lot of the pro-transition material. The reasons you give for not transitioning don’t actually refute the underlying philosophical and scientific assumptions of the pro-transition material, they merely invert it and act as a mirror of the same underlying assumptions. You’re basing your assessment on a projected probable outcome without ever challenging the assumptions that you start with.

It’s a very positive thing that you are willing to attempt to see both sides and weigh the differences. Whatever you end up deciding to do, you will feel better about the outcome if you allowed yourself to thoroughly here both sides all the way through and consider them thoughtfuly before you you make an irreversible decision.

So on that note, I strongly urge to read The Man Who Would Be Queen: The Science of Gender-Bending and Transsexualism by J. Michael Bailey, Gender Hurts by Shelia Jeffreys, and Galileo’s Middle Finger by Alice Dreger. Consider them thoughtfully before you make any life-altering decisions.

I know life would be so much easier if I justified my gender nonconformity and transitioned to become more socially acceptable. If I became a "man", if I kept taking testosterone

Look, I get what you’re trying to say here, and that’s valid -that if everything worked out according to the ideal and there were no side effects etc.

But it’s really iffy as to whether everything would have worked out like that anyway. So many things can fuck it up and could have ruined you way worse. It’s a roll of the dice with your life.

Here’s a post I made in another thread:

it's not trying to explain dysphoria away, but rather explicate the causes behind it.

I don’t, for one single second, doubt that self-identified dysphoric people are experiencing the qualia of dysphoria. I am 100% percent convinced that is a tuthful account of their subjective state. However, I don’t doubt that schizophrenic people are experiencing the qualia of hearing voices which criticise them or give them orders. They are not lying about the phenomenal quality of their subjective states, not any more than a colourblind person is lying when they report what numbers they see in the Ishihara colour perception test. What I am skeptical about is the causal explanation that both groups give as an account of why they are experiencing what they are experiencing, not their reported subjective states, or their material existence, for that matter (“You are denying that I exist!”, as the bizarre false accusation goes). One day our history will look back on the affirmation of of the idea that a gendered soul or gendered brain was born in a differently sexed body in the way that we look back on people who affirmed and took at face-value the idea that schizophrenic people were literally possessed by demons and dark spirits. Gender ideology is modern-day spiritism & demonology, and shares the witch-hunting ethos.

I’d add that susceptibility to the “wrong-body” hypothesis is always preceded by either social alienation from prescribed gender roles and standards, or bodily alienation due to painful or debilitating conditions like PCOS, or both, which is the catalyst which makes the idea that you can shed your old body/self and emerge as a new person in a new life.

Is it something that can only be returned to it’s original state through surgery or can it go down a little if hormones are stopped?

The fact that they don’t give warning about these sort of things is proof that they violate the spirit of informed consent. It really shouldn’t be legal.

Seeing YouTube videos of undeniable recorded proof that the things that supposedly “never happen”, like violent, criminal, and intimidating behaviours, happen quite often. I was also already familiar with the group behaviour of religious cults and cult-like organisations, and witnessing how exactly so many “social justice” oriented groups mirrors those cult group behavioural dynamics was the turning point that caused me to be willing to take look at the gender critical point of view. What really sealed the deal for me was reading the scientific sexology by Ray Blanchard and his associates, as well the philosophical literature on identity.

The first thing you need to do is to subscribe to the Pique Resilience Project on YouTube and listen to these young women share their stories of how they came through trans identity as teenagers and then ended up detransitioning. Pay particular attention to Chiara, whose mother’s skilful response to her daughter’s demands led Chiara to accept her body, her sexual orientation, and the biological sex she was born with before she gained access to hormones. It looks like the way to accomplish this is to find an activity or passion that your child is genuinely interested in (not one that you pushed on them) and motivated to pursue, which is not gender-focused. You facilitate their participation in that so that they can develop an identity beyond gender obsession. Make sure that you watch her interview with Benjamin Boyce, as well as the other interviews from detransitioners.

I recently got my hormones checked and they were all normal. Before taking testosterone my smell wasn’t that strong, now I smell like a man.

It sounds like the bacterial culture that developed on your skin while taking testosterone has remained. All odours from sweat do not come from sweat per se, which is itself odourless, but rather from the bacteria cultures that feed off of the sweat and then release gases. This same principle is also true for odours from all organs.

I strongly recommend Arm & Hammer Essentials Natural Deodorant, which is designed to specifically stop the growth of bacteria which produces the odour. It’s not an anti-perspirant, and it’s not just a fragrance to cover the smell, which is why the fragrance-free version works just as well, even though the “Fresh” fragrance is pleasant and mild. You have to keep on using it, but as long as you are putting it on after you shower I promise that it will keep the man-smell away for the rest of your day.

In a society that is increasingly saturated with manipulated images of people at the peak of a perfected beauty, either by surgery, training, professional grooming , or instagram filters. In this world every boy seams to Pec'd and Ripped, Evry girl looks like a Kardashian.

Do you think that there can be an alienation between peoples experience of their own bodies and the social projection of what passes for normality?

What you’ve described above are prescribed gender roles and standards of masculinity and femininity, which are socially transmitted, so they fall under the category of social alienation. The majority of teenage girls already experience a kind of gender dysphoria (“a profound state of unease or dissatisfaction… depression, anxiety, or agitation”) about not being able being able to live up to idealised gender standards even if they have no desire to change genders, which proves that the concept of “cisgender” i.e. “satisfaction with prescribed gender roles and standards of femininity” is complete bunk. The whole incel ideology is based on gender dysphoria due to being unable to live up to standards of masculinity, so this is increasingly true of males too.

The idea of having a “true” self or soul which born in the wrong body and can be resolved by heroically transforming the old body into a new body is a religious narrative which frames a real situation of alienation in spiritual supernatural or terms. It is not different in kind to narratively framing the problem of death by claiming that only the body dies, and that there is a a “true” self or soul that leaves the suffering of this life behind for paradise. These are both supernatural religious narratives which provide a narrative solution to real problems.

Here’s what I wrote elsewhere:

The most common archetype or trope in fairytales is of a poor, abused, or neglected orphan child who discovers a secret which has been hidden from them: that their real parents were royalty, extremely wealthy, or otherwise heroic or fantastical. The miserable, disenchanting, or boring, mundane circumstances and bitter facts of life that they were born into can be shed like an ugly caterpillar sheds its cocoon to turn into a beautiful butterfly, or an ugly duckling that grows up to be a beautiful swan that flys away from its ugly life to live a beautiful life with other beautiful and magical people.

Think Cinderella, Rapunzel, Harry Potter, Oliver Twist, and far too many more to count. In stories where they are not orphans, they at least discover that they have magical or mutant superhero powers or some special gift that sets them apart and makes their life an exciting and fulfilling adventure with purpose and meaning where they can get the boy or girl of their dreams and live happily ever after.

People aren’t attracted such stories simply because of social conditioning, but because these our stories naturally reflect our idealised aspirations. There’s not much of an audience for unglamorous, boring, and pointless stories, so the other kind are naturally they kind that get codified into culture because they aim at wish-fulfilment. For people who are living a generally fulfilling life, such stories are passing entertainment that they enjoy and they put aside without much thought. For people with miserable, unfulfilling lives, they start to daydream fantasies about escaping their shitty life by discovering that what the alienating reality that has been given them is somehow false, and that they can pull back the curtain to uncover their “real” life and rise above their “fake” life by transforming into their “true self”.

The fundamental reason the transgender narrative has such appeal is because this ur-story is implicitly baked into it in every level, along with appears to them as a magical, tangible solution that they can physically observe in a way that you can with other problems which might be unifixable or can’t be physically seen. Think about all of the movies and TV shows that feature a montage where the protagonist chops their hair short in the bathroom and comes out magically transformed into a total badass. The physical change in appearance intuitively appears as a symbolic change in personality, even though that intuition relies on prejudice and would denounce someone for judging someone’s character based on their physical appearance in any other circumstance. Nevertheless the magic seems too resist.

All it takes is some triggering feature like internalised homophobia, internalised misogyny, autogynephilia, or even simple social alienation and a desire to fit in or belong to a heroically oppressed victim class, and then to couple that to intense ennui due to an already dissatisfying or alienating life and you’ve got someone who perfectly vulnerable easy-picking for the trans narrative.

The various trans-ideologies, whether they’re spiritual, pseudoscientific, postmodern/ queer are basically just post-hoc justifications which have become and evangelical effort, and not the fundamental cause. Like most people who end up falling in with a cult, most of these people would still have most the same problems, only they’ve been massively magnified by the rigid and unforgiving demands of the cult ideology or by dashed expectations caused by being unable to live up to gender ideals that most people naturally born into that gender never live up to anyway.

The trans ideology has all of the characteristics of a religious belief system, which is why includes the promise of transformation into a better life, evangelisation and propaganda, intense drives to convert youth, and bigotry and intolerance towards blasphemers and unbelievers who are the dark, spiritual enemies of their righteous cause that must be defeated in order to clear the way for their paradise.

Edit: I’d add that the whole idea of “fake” dysphoria and “real” dysphoria mentioned by /u/trialeterror is a mirror of the ideas of “sincere repentance” and “authentic conversion”. If you follow all of the instructions, but they don’t result in blessings or prosperity, then your repentance and conversion must not have been “real”.

but mostly escapism

I’ve long been convinced that fantastical escapism is both the most prevalent and and most powerful factor behind coming to believe gender ideology. Of course it also dovetails with all of the other contributing factors (internalised homophobia, misogyny etc.), but fantastical escapism is the glue that holds it all together.

I feel like this trans thing stemmed from my childhood abuse, and might have just been a way of escaping that reality. I was also very insecure about my body at that time.

I think I’m just an androgynous female.

I’ve heard this exact same story over a hundred times, and I’m certain that if the rest were as self-aware and honest as you are, they’d say the same thing.