Firstly, stop reading trans hate forums, it won't help. Self-hate will do you no good, only self-love will.

It sounds more like you enjoyed the increase in confidence and mood that generally comes with high testosterone, and the social privledge extended to males.

How can you integrate that confidence and drive into your life without medical transition? You were who you are before T, and on it, and are still that same person now that you're off it again.

I'm sorry to hear about the way your mother treated you. I hope you can resolve things with her in a way that places your safety as the highest priority. :<

If you're not already, I would strongly suggest talking to a therapist. Strangers on the internet can be great for a moment like this, but if you really want things to improve, you're going to have to do the painful, messy work that a therapist is far better-suited to helping you do than we are.

And it will be worth doing, in the end. You'll be in such a better place, and you'll have such a wiser outlook on what medical transition means to you.

It sounds like this 13-year old girl has far more important issues to focus on than potentially being trans. Medically transitioning doesn't solve your life problems, it makes them more difficult - and it creates a whole host of new ones. Life is hard enough by default.

Supporting this girl in changing her clothing or hair towards what makes her more comfortable is good. But no HRT or other medical procedures.

She needs to talk to a therapist either way. If she's not willing to do at least that much, she certainly shouldn't be on hormones. Any decent therapist will notice the other issues and want to focus on that first, or at the same time.

Her grandfather should also be asking how she discovered this, where she learned about it, etc. Verify her sources, and make sure it's not coming from people who are in no position to be giving advice.

I say all of this as a trans woman who took it slow, and has actually put her medical transition on hold. For several reasons, it may no longer be right for me. I also have two major issues that need my attention far more than gender dysphoria. If I'm still unsure at 33, I highly doubt she knows at 13 after having experienced significant trauma.

I'd argue males are also under a lot of pressure from "the patriarchy", just in different ways. Feminine men are bullied for not being masculine enough and have more difficult lives due to being GNC, even if they're straight.

I'm considering detransitioning for several reasons, including my life not having been made better by it ( better =/= easier, btw; I'm fine with transitioning being harder if it's worth it in the end ). I never expected it to magically solve all my problems, but it's been the source of a lot of anxiety and stress and actually interfered with my professional development. So how is that worth pursuing?

I certainly didn't run to transitioning to be able to escape having to fit "patriarchal" roles, but being allowed to freely express the more feminine aspects of myself was really nice. I still consider myself a girl, and trans, but if I do detransition in the end, that info will be kept online or shared with only certain individuals IRL.

That said, the idea of being a masculine woman is far more appealing to me than the idea of being a feminine man, and I do wonder how much of that is socially-based sometimes.

If I could press a button to switch back and forth as I liked, I totally would. In the absence of such fantasy technology, I have to make a choice. And a sacrifice. And I do wonder how much of people's transitions is related to not wanting to sacrifice anything.

Y'know what's more toxic?

Gender stereotypes. I guarantee you that if people who weren't stereotypically masculine or feminine were actually accepted and not insulted, degraded, and ostracized for the differences, you'd see a lot less people claiming to be transgender.

" Cross dressers, sissy boys, Dykes and butch lesbians were all fine and dandy until this trans culture came to life. "

This is such bullshit, and you know it. Also, why does not being a masculine man or feminine woman automatically mean you're gay/lesbian/a crossdresser? Why can't you just be a guy who happens to enjoy wearing make-up/growing his hair long, or a woman who happens to enjoy skipping make-up/cutting her hair short? People being labelled for any tiny divergence in preferences from "most [gender]" is part of the problem.

You want to stop seeing people pushed to transition when it's not right for them? A great place to start is to stop the mistreatment and abuse of GNC people.

Thanks for being a voice of balanced reason in this thread. Coming here off the alert reminded me why I want to unsub from here, since all the people who have had bad experiences come here to preach about how because it was wrong for them, it's wrong for everyone. But I did want to thank you first and let you know that people do notice when you take an open-minded, moderate, balanced stance~ :)

The first thing to do is go get a job. It'll get you out of the house, interacting with people outside your family, earning money, and feeling productive.

No one wants to work right now, especially for minimum wage (at least in the US). It's also seasonal period, so it's easy to get interviews. Even if you quit later for a better opportunity, having a job to go to even a few days a week will give you some structure and sense of movement.

Standing still is painful. You can always course-correct later.

Is your girlfriend bi and/or GNC? There's a comfort in normality, and if she was dating a trans man, you'd be seen as a "straight couple". You de-transitioning brings you back to "lesbian", which can be a very uncomfortable thing at times. Life is much harder when you aren't "normal". Perhaps her taking on the role of "man" is a way to keep that prior "straight couple" appearance. Either way, it's a conversation to be had delicately and respectfully.

I absolutely understand it being an issue of pride, so if I can suggest something that got me past my own pride when it came to applying for social assistance when I needed it:

It's not lowering yourself to take advantage of the opportunities in front of you. If you do this thing you don't really want to do, but it lets you stabilize yourself so that you can get back to doing the thing you really want to do, then it's worth it.

You're not aiming lower than you ought to, you're stabilizing your situation so that you can aim as high as you should be.

You're exactly the kind of biased person OP is talking about. Learn how to speak about things in a more-open minded manner. Just because you have strong opinions on something that didn't work well for you or that didn't appeal to you, doesn't mean that applies to everyone.

Secondly, and more importantly? Don't ever again justify abuse as someone "doing it because they love you". Toxic doesn't even begin to describe that mentality. Abuse affects people and relationships permanently.

You cannot operate out of hate and love at the same time. I guarantee you OPs father did not beat them "because he loved them", he did it out of selfishness and fear.

You're barely a legal adult, and barely a biological one at that - your brain doesn't finish developing til you're 25.

It's okay to grieve for lost time, and for the version of you that you've lost. And then I hope you integrate all those things about yourself that you've been grieving into who you are going forward.

A decade is a long time when you're not a child, and you'll be able to accomplish so much in your 20s with a solid sense of identity.

Take it from someone who's always had a pretty nebulous sense of self and is questioning their own transition at 33 - I started back at 22, put it on pause due to medical issues that have been on-going since 25, and am now strongly considering killing it. Even the last two years I've done subpar due to stress/anxiety has been too much to lose for me, to say nothing of the potential impact it played in losing a relationship in the short-term.

You have so much time ahead of you, more than you realize. You'll be okay. <3