My whole journey with this started because I felt really uncomfortable with the expectations placed on me as a woman. I saw how mothers are blamed for everything and expected to handle all the child-related stuff, and I wanted no part of that. I didn't want to have to choose between a career and a family, and I hated that as a woman, that pressure was just automatically put on me. I also strongly believed that things like dresses being feminine are just a cultural construct, and I hoped for a future where anyone could wear anything without being told they needed hormones or surgery.

A big part of my thinking was wrapped up in the idea of patriarchy. I thought that men are treated better in our society and that women have to adapt "male" qualities to get ahead. It made complete sense to me that someone might want to switch genders to gain that privilege. I was really struggling with my own self-esteem and felt a lot of anger about these societal pressures.

I started to think that maybe my discomfort meant I wasn't really a woman. I began identifying as non-binary for a while, as a first step. It felt like an escape from all the things I hated. I was deeply influenced by these political ideas I had and by conversations online. I never took hormones or had any surgeries. I only transitioned socially, by changing my name and pronouns with my friends.

But something always felt off. I kept having this nagging feeling that the right answers were inside me, and that I needed to get away from other people's influence to find them. I took a break from my friends and family to focus on myself. I meditated, journaled, and just tried to nurture my own thoughts and feelings away from all the noise.

During that time, I started to question everything. I remembered my own comments about how hormones can affect behavior, like how testosterone can make test subjects more aggressive. I realized that while hormones have an effect, they don't create a gender identity. I began to see that my desire to transition was less about who I truly was and more about escapism—wanting to escape the pressures and misogyny I felt were placed on me as a woman.

I came to understand that my problem wasn't with being a woman, but with what society says a woman should be. I don't have to be a mother. I don't have to choose between a career and a family. I can just be me, a woman who kicks ass on her own terms. Letting go of the external pressure and stopping the social transition was a huge relief. It felt like I was finally being honest with myself.

I don't regret exploring my gender because it led me to a much stronger place of self-acceptance. But I do regret that I was so influenced by online ideas and that I didn't listen to my own inner voice sooner. My thoughts on gender now are that it's incredibly complex and deeply personal, but it's also been made into a political tool that can confuse people who are just struggling with societal pressures. I benefited greatly from stepping back from affirming ideas and just focusing on my own mental health. I'm a woman, and I'm finally okay with that.

Here is a timeline of my journey: