ok, but can you please clarify why you wish to write this article, what you hope to gain from it, what messages you want to put across, what sort of stance the article will take, and which (if any) political opinions it will hold? i know i speak for many detransitioners when i say that we’re pretty tired of our personal, complex, nuanced stories being twisted and reported selectively to argue points which we’d never argue ourselves, no matter our political ideologies or beliefs (which are as varied as we are). for example, previously there have been major issues with homophobic journalists using our stories to push an anti-lgbt agenda (many of us are gay/bi); with journalists assuming that all detrans people have the same experiences and opinions (obviously not true); with anti-transition journalists using terms such as ‘ruined’ and ‘mutilated’ to describe our lives and bodies (not to mention that good trans healthcare is often a necessity for people who have medically transitioned and detransitioned); and with people’s personal stories being used without their full consent. it is not ethical for you, as a journalist, to come into a community like this, in which people often post their most vulnerable thoughts and feelings, and offer to tell the stories of a group which gets very little representation if you have not told us exactly what you are planning to achieve. detransitioners have a hard enough time from people all across the political spectrum without needing to worry that our own stories will be used against us too.

no. i experienced & continue to experience debilitating dysphoria, both sex and gender. i lived as transmasculine for four years because i thought transition would help, & for a while it did, but then it didn’t. a primary reason i decided to detransition is bc transition wasn’t helping dysphoria go away; in fact it was stopping me from actually analysing the source of my dysphoria and finding healthy coping mechanisms & better ways to tackle it. i don’t know if dysphoria will ever go away, maybe it will, maybe it won’t, but i am finding ways to live with and deal with it that do not involve transition. i am ok with being a dysphoric female.

like many other commenters here, i find the tone of your question unhelpful & dismissive. detransitioned & reidentified ppl have complex, nuanced stories & journeys. we are not here to back up your internet fight, we don’t need you telling us how we should think about ourselves & about trans ideology (which has often harmed us), & we are not some kind of ‘gotcha!’ point. we’re real people, living real lives.

furthermore, this sort of question, with the ingrained implication that i so often see in the transmed community that detransitioners never had REAL dysphoria and were just CONFUSED and made a STUPID mistake and should have known BETTER (i used to believe & say this too) makes a mockery of the struggles we face & our journeys as dysphoric ppl who do not continue transition. it’s pretty disrespectful, actually. i wish transmeds would stop acting like they know our lives better than we do. loads of detrans ppl were transmeds before we detransitioned.

yes, true - i will definitely stop posting memes if you think they are stopping discussion - i guess i wanted to use them more as a way to concisely express some thoughts i’ve been having, & maybe spark discussion, but that might have been better done by writing a paragraph instead. i really appreciate the in-depth discussion on this subreddit, it’s hugely important for me personally & i think it should & must remain the core part of this community

https://medium.com/@mariacatt42/advice-for-gender-dysphoric-teens-9a3e34a2e5ba i’d highly recommend reading this article. i’m currently 16, identified as trans between ages 11-15, and desisted a few months ago. i’d like to give you a better answer when i have more time, but for now, check out this article and know you aren’t alone ❤️

hey there lovely!! i know how you feel - i’ve been in your situation, & it sucks.

i think it’s cool that you’ve reached out like this, & that you’ve looked at different viewpoints critically - your self-awareness is really admirable, & isn’t something i’ve started to develop until pretty recently!

i’m currently socially detransitioning after id’ing as a trans boy & nonbinary transmasc for the past 4 years. i’m now pretty sure that i’m a dysphoric gnc lesbian. i was a lot like you - i never thought i’d detransition, & the detrans narratives that i came across online seemed disconnected from my feelings & reasons for transitioning.

like you, i have depression, which started when i was 10 (although it wasn’t diagnosed until i was 13). i’m also recovering from disordered eating, & still have issues with my body. when i was transitioning, i viewed my depression & eating disorder as separate from my gender, & as a result of my dysphoria - i felt like i was trapped in the wrong body, & that it was natural & expected that i should feel depressed & uncomfortable. when i found trans narratives online, they made sense to me, & seemed to offer a clear answer that explained why i was feeling so bad. i thought that by transitioning i would be able to overcome these problems. subconsciously, i also viewed transition as a way of running from my past self, who i hated - i believed that i’d ruined my life irreparably, & wanted a fresh start, a fresh mind, & a fresh body.

for a while transition did help, & i honestly did feel better about myself. however, it wasn’t as simple as i’d presumed - transition isn’t a cure for depression or other mental health problems. it can help alleviate them, but it will never make them fully go away. in the same way, transitioning won’t make body issues vanish: even if you do pursue medical transition, your body will still fundamentally be the same, & you’ll still be the same person inhabiting that body.

i strongly believed that my trans identity was not a phase, & wasn’t anything i’d ever grow out of. however, i now understand that at the time, i didn’t properly interrogate my reasons for wanting to transition. i wanted to be read as a man, & hated being read as a lesbian, & i put this down to being bc i really was a man, inside. now i know that that wasn’t the case - underneath my facade of being a male feminist, i was dealing with internalised misogyny & lesbophobia. from my childhood experiences & societal messages, i’d internalised the idea that being lesbian was gross, disgusting, & sexualised. i’d seen women belittled, talked down to, laughed at & ignored so many times. i didn’t identify with the body parts that patriarchal society views as sexual & submissive, or the gender roles or experiences that i saw define & trap so many women & girls. i didn’t want to wear make up, or shave, or perform femininity in any way, & like you, i didn’t get on that well with other girls my age. like all girls, i hated being catcalled & harassed on the streets, but i put this down to my belief that the harassers were misgendering me, rather than the reality of their misogyny. subconsciously, i didn’t want to identify with a gender towards which this sort of behaviour was seen as acceptable. i couldn’t bring myself to view myself as a girl, & lived in a constant state of semi-depersonalisation.

you’ve said that you’ve tried to live as a lesbian, but it hasn’t felt right for you. i also felt like this for a long time. i labelled myself as bisexual & pansexual both before & during my transition. i now know that i’m purely attracted to girls, & that, as i previously mentioned, lots of my problems stem from internalised lesbophobia, which i’m working hard to overcome. one thing that homophobia does is remove gay people from constructs of gender, leaving us as not-quite men or not-quite women. i already felt like a failed girl due to my inability to perform femininity, & this homophobia exacerbated the problem. in hindsight, it’s easier to see why i would therefore feel disconnected from constructs of womanhood to such an extent that i believed myself to be a man.

i started to socially transition, & this felt right for a while. however, after 4 years i started to have a creeping feeling that transitioning wasn’t the right path for me. i repressed these doubts & tried to keep on living as i was. i think what broke it for me was realising that transition wasn’t going to solve my problems, & discovering the existence of gender non-conforming women, many of whom, especially those who are butch lesbians, have a very complicated relationship with womanhood. i felt broken, & like a fraud & a failure - how could i possibly not be trans, after identifying that way for so long, & making it a core part of my identity? did that make me one of the ‘transtrenders’ i’d railed against so often? i had dysphoria! how could i possibly want to detransition?

i stumbled across some detrans young women online, & decided to reach out to one of them. she helped me to understand myself & feel less alone, & i’m so grateful to her. i realised how much of my time i was spending online in trans communities, & how this was feeding into my dissociation & disconnect with my body. i deleted most of my social media & started to focus on the things that make me me. i joined the discord group for detrans women, & met women with diverse & complex stories. it hasn’t been easy, & i sometimes still look at men & long to be them. however, i know realistically that i won’t transition. it’s healthier for me to slow myself down & try to understand where these thoughts are coming from, rather than jumping to the conclusion that i need to retransition. it’s hard, but i think it’s worth it.

that’s part of my story, but i’m not you. at the end of the day, i can’t tell you whether transition will make you feel better or worse. there’s no way of telling who will detransition & who won’t - there are detrans women who never want on hormones, who tried hormones for a bit & stopped, & who were on hormones for decades; who had surgery & regret it, who had surgery & don’t; women who are straight, gay, bi, feminine, masculine, androgynous; who love labels, who hate labels; who are gender critical, who are activists for trans rights, who couldn’t care less about gender discourse; women who have a huge variety in personality & hobbies & interests. i think the thing that patriarchy often makes us forget is that there are infinite ways of existing as a woman. womanhood is big enough for all of us, even those like me, who still feel really disconnected from it. there is no one way to be a woman. there are no such things as girl hobbies or boy hobbies: only interests that patriarchy has gendered as such.

i think it’s definitely worth taking some time to work on understanding your feelings, without any judgement, shame, or preconceptions. crashchaoscats put together a good list of things to ask yourself: where am i at this pint in my life, & how did i get here? how do i feel about being here? what’s right, & what isn’t? what are my options going forward? what are all the possibilities? which of these honours my best self? regardless of where i am now ... where would i like to be someday? what kind of person could i be? what do i like doing with my time, with my mind, with my hands? what is important to me, & how do i centre that in my life?

as crash also said, ‘i need to stop making decisions based on fear of others, & start making decisions based on love & respect for myself.’

you might find journaling helps you understand your thoughts better. you could use this gender dysphoria tracker sheet, created by carey callahan, to see if you can spot any trends in the intensity of your dysphoria, which could help you to know how to manage it: https://www.slideshare.net/mobile/CarrieCallahan/gd-dailytracker

it’s good to introspect, but it’s also important not to let gender take over your whole life. you don’t say if you are in therapy for your depression - if not, this might be something worth looking into. you may also find support from self-help books, especially those focused on cbt techniques. it’s good to have lots of things in your life that make you happy & give you motivation. this could be the hobbies you do currently, &/or picking up new ones. taking some time away from social media & online communities can help you to focus on yourself & give you perspective.

there are lots of alternative coping strategies to use for dysphoria - detrans people use them, & so do transitioning people who’ve found that medical transition hasn’t cured all their dysphoria, or who can’t transition. you might find yoga to be helpful, as it grounds you in your body. you may like meditation; walking in nature; exercising; doing physical labour; looking at yourself in the mirror & noticing non-gendered features that you like; reading; being with animals; playing music; or anything else that’s healthy & makes you feel better. see if you can think of yourself as a person, rather than a man or a woman. it can be hard to accept your body as female, but that’s also useful in the long run.

you’ll be the same person whether you transition or not. try to remember that you’re still young - there’s no harm trying out different clothes, labels, pronouns & identities during your teenage years, as long as you don’t pursue medical intervention. how you’re feeling at the moment is difficult, but you won’t feel like this forever.

i hope this was helpful. feel free to message me if you want to chat. you are not alone 💕

hello! when i was a 14 year old trans boy (i’m now a detrans young woman), explaining the risks of transition would not have helped me even a tiny bit. this is going to sound naff but imo the best thing you can do is just be there for him. see if it’s possible for him to change therapists to one who will be open-minded & question him gently whilst still being supportive, bc that’s what a good therapist should do. your dad may want to look at the work of the therapist sasha ayad, who has a really amazing approach to working with trans identified teens that focuses on support & giving the young person space to breathe, and who produces resources for parents, too.

during my time identifying as trans i was lonely, unhappy and depressed. i can’t say if transition will help your brother or not, because i’m not him, but for me transitioning was partly a way to escape from & legitimise my self hatred & depression. try to do non gender-related things with him, especially things that ground him in his body, such as sports, or walking, or art (depending on what he likes). remind him that you’ll always be there for him, and that you love him unconditionally, no matter what. he sounds quite emotionally strained at the moment, but when he’s in a good mood, you could try gently questioning him, saying things like, ‘i want to understand how you’re feeling better. why do you want to live as a boy? how is that different from living as a girl? who is [chosen name]? how is he different from [birth name]? what does it mean to be a boy? what does it mean to be a girl?’ it will be interesting to see whether the answers he gives to these are personal & well thought-through, or things which he has found on the internet.

gender dysphoria is incredibly distressing and difficult. simply saying, as some of the other commentators have suggested, that he will never be biologically male will do nothing but make him more distressed. presenting him with political arguments is also unlikely to help. there is no substitute for getting outdoors, getting off the internet, and receiving good mental health care.

re: medical transition - i think your dad is right to be wary. even blockers have risks: the majority of people who take them go on to take cross-sex hormones, as often the fear, disgust and hatred of the developing body is what causes so much dysphoria. however, simply saying no to medical transition and not seeking out better, unbiased therapy will leave your brother in a bad place, too. he’s only 14 - i’d ask your dad to think about changing therapists, look up what sasha ayad has to say, and encourage a breathing space where he is free to experiment with clothes, names, pronouns etc without having to worry about medical transition.

your situation is so tough. you sound like a great sibling. just keep loving him fiercely, keep being there for him, try not to make him being trans into a ‘big deal’ (it needn’t be! you can affirm his identity without him taking hormones, & without trans stuff taking over all your lives), & encourage him to open up to someone. the feelings and experiences that lead to gender dysphoria can be complicated and distressing to think about & deal with, especially when we’re kids, but exploring & working through them can be so powerful.

oh, and, don’t forget to look out for yourself, too! it’s a lot easier to support others when we’re also taking time to support ourselves.

i’m sending all my good thoughts in your direction x

of course, sharing stories is not hateful. however as detransitioners we have the right to be wary of unethical ways of talking about us! did you ask for people’s permission before sharing their stories on your subreddit? what is the aim? simply saying that surgeries can go wrong? are you promoting any other forms of dysphoria management, such as giving resources created by other dysphoric people? people who undergo srs are often feeling desperate and dealing with debilitating dysphoria. are you approaching the topic with empathy, compassion, and non patronising, non judgmental love for all those affected by surgeries going wrong? or are you simply falling into the age old, unhelpful, prejudiced trap of calling medically transitioned bodies mutilated, disgusting and unnatural? please remember that the people who posted those stories originally, they’re real people, people just like you and me, not just anonymous words on a page. this is why many detransitioned people think that what you’re doing is troll-like and unhelpful. there are lots of ways to support detransitioned people, but i’m afraid this isn’t one of them. please reflect for more than 0.2 seconds on how your actions have affected people. have a nice day.

i wasn’t very faithful/spiritual when i id’d as trans or when i first started detransition, but since detransitioning i have become a lot more spiritual and a lot closer to my faith (quakerism). it’s become important to me, and a really helpful lens through which to look at my life & to help me keep myself grounded.