My whole journey with transition started from a place of deep discomfort, but looking back, I don't think I ever had a clear understanding of what was really wrong. I was a female who felt completely out of place, especially during puberty. I hated my breasts and the way my body was developing; it felt foreign and wrong. I had a lot of anxiety and low self-esteem, and I now see that a lot of my feelings were tied to an undiagnosed eating disorder and body dysmorphia. I was also deeply influenced by what I saw online and by my friends who were also exploring gender identity. It felt like the only way to escape the pain I was in.

I started to identify as non-binary, which felt like a less scary first step. But that quickly escalated to pursuing a medical transition. I was put on testosterone, and I want to be very clear about that experience. The dose I was given was extremely high for a female body—50mg a week. For context, I have a friend who is a male bodybuilder, and his dose isn't that much higher. I was shocked a doctor started me on such a massive amount. I experienced a huge energy boost initially, which felt amazing, but I now know that's a common effect of steroids.

The physical changes came on fast and were significant. I got facial acne, my body hair grew quickly, and my voice dropped. But I was not properly informed about the more serious risks. I'm now dealing with the reality of being infertile, which is a permanent consequence. I also worry about long-term damage to my endocrine system and the potential for heart issues or blood clots. These dangers are not talked about enough. People online and even some doctors have a "try it out" attitude, but by the time you realize how significant the side effects are, it's often too late to reverse them.

I never got top surgery or bottom surgery, but I was heading in that direction. My detransition began when I finally stepped back and asked myself why I was doing this. I realized I was trying to change my body to fit an idea, instead of trying to understand and love the body I had. I started bodybuilding, which was a turning point for me. It helped me bond with my body for what it can do, rather than just how it looks. It wasn't easy, and I had to learn to tell everyone else to fuck off and focus on what would actually bring me happiness.

I do have regrets about transitioning. I regret that I wasn't given better advice from the beginning to try and love myself as I was. I regret that I was influenced so heavily and that the serious health complications weren't made clear to me. I don't believe my core issue was ever really about gender. It was about trauma, self-esteem, and a desperate need to escape from myself.

My thoughts on gender now are that it's a personal journey, but it shouldn't be rushed into, especially not medically. The decision to take hormones or have surgery is monumental and permanent. I support everyone's right to choose their own path, but I am angry that the full truth about the risks is so often hidden behind a push for affirmation. For me, the right path was to stop and find peace within the body I was born with.

Here is a timeline of my journey: