My whole journey with gender has been long and complicated, and it’s only recently that I feel like I’ve found some real peace. Looking back, I see how many different pieces fit together to lead me to transition and then later to detransition.

I was born female, and I started identifying as a man in my late teens. A lot of my feelings were tied up in hating my breasts and feeling deeply uncomfortable with the changes my body went through during puberty. I think a big part of it was also internalized homophobia; I was attracted to women, and the idea of being in a lesbian relationship felt wrong to me in a way I couldn't explain at the time. It felt easier to imagine myself as a straight man. I also spent a lot of time online in communities that reinforced these feelings, and I had friends who were also transitioning, which made it feel like the right path.

I socially transitioned first, changing my name and pronouns. When I was 21, I started taking testosterone. I was on T for three years. It lowered my voice a lot and caused other changes. I also bound my chest tightly for those three years, which I now have some lingering pain and tenderness from. Breathing exercises and yoga have helped reduce the pain over time. I found that exercises like running or swimming help keep my back aligned and expand my lungs, which also helps.

After a few years, my perspective started to shift. I sat down with my mom and told her everything. I explained how I’d been feeling, why my views had changed, and what I hoped for my future. She cried with me about all the pain I’d gone through to get to that point, but she was supportive. She had never fully agreed with my trans identity, so I think this realization was a relief to her. She was amazing—she offered to buy me new clothes and helped me figure out what name I felt comfortable using now.

Detransitioning has come with its own challenges. My voice is a big one. I’m sick of being called 'sir' on the phone because of my deep voice. I’ve been looking up vocal training tips from trans women on YouTube to try and train my voice to sound higher, but it’s a slow process.

My feelings about my own identity and representation have changed too. I remember feeling sad when Elliot Page came out because Ellen Page was such a big inspiration for me as a masculine woman. He was one of the few positive representations of masc women in media, and I felt like we lost that.

My sexuality has also been something I’ve had to rediscover. I thought I had it all figured out, but now at 25, I’m realizing it’s more fluid. I’ve found myself attracted to some men in real life, not just as celebrity crushes, which has been a surprise. I’m just taking it easy and feeling it out as I go.

I don’t regret my transition entirely because it was a necessary part of my journey to understand myself. But I do have regrets about some of the permanent changes, like my voice. I’ve come to see that my discomfort was less about being born in the wrong body and more about a combination of puberty discomfort, internalized homophobia, and low self-esteem. I’m learning to accept my female body and find a way to be a masculine woman, which feels like the most honest expression of who I am.

Here is a timeline of the major events: