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Reddit user /u/ave_maria9334's Detransition Story

Detransitioned: 28
male
low self-esteem
internalised homophobia
regrets transitioning
escapism
autogynephilia (agp)
now infertile
only transitioned socially
This story is from the comments listed below, summarised by AI.
On Reddit, people often share their experiences across multiple comments or posts. To make this information more accessible, our AI gathers all of those scattered pieces into a single, easy-to-read summary and timeline. All system prompts are noted on the prompts page.

Sometimes AI can hallucinate or state things that are not true. But generally, the summarised stories are accurate reflections of the original comments by users.
Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious

Based on the provided comments, the account appears authentic.

There are no serious red flags suggesting it is a bot or a bad-faith actor. The comments demonstrate:

  • Personal Experience: The user explicitly states, "I was someone who was thinking about transitioning... I ended up desisting."
  • Consistent Perspective: The views are consistently critical of rapid transition and align with common desister concerns (e.g., underlying mental health issues, fertility concerns).
  • Nuanced Discussion: The comments show an ability to engage with complex topics and offer detailed, personal advice, which is atypical for simple bots.

The passion and criticism present are consistent with a genuine desister's perspective.

About me

My journey started because I was deeply unhappy and thought becoming a woman would be an escape from my self-hatred. I realized my desire was tangled up with my sexuality and a fear of infertility, which made me stop before any medical steps. I'm glad I did, because it's clear now that my problem was never with being male, but with my own low self-esteem. I've had to learn to confront what I hated about myself and accept who I actually am. It's a more honest, though sometimes difficult, path than trying to become someone else.

My detransition story

My whole journey with gender started because I hated myself and my life. I think a lot of it was about escapism—I desperately wanted to be someone else, anyone else. For a while, I thought that person was a woman. I was drawn to the idea of transitioning to female.

Looking back, I see now that a big part of that desire was tangled up with my sexuality. I had this unhealthy thing where my desire for a woman was morphing into a desire to be a woman. It felt like a fetish, and it was really hard to separate those feelings. Realizing that actually going through with it would probably make having real relationships more difficult, not less, was a huge wake-up call for me. The thought of becoming infertile also scared me deeply. That was a major reason I decided to stop before I did anything medical.

I never took hormones or had any surgeries. I only ever thought about transitioning socially. I'm really glad I didn't go further, because it's clear to me now that transitioning would have never fixed the things I actually hated about myself. My problems were with me, not with being male. I had a lot of low self-esteem and was just deeply unhappy. I thought becoming a woman was an escape hatch, but it was just a distraction from dealing with my real issues.

I don't regret exploring those feelings because it led me to understand myself better, but I definitely regret ever thinking it was the solution. I benefited from stepping back and realizing I needed to find another way to deal with my self-hatred. For me, that meant I had to figure out how to strangle what I hated about myself and learn to live with who I actually am. It's still a struggle sometimes, but it feels more honest.

I think for a lot of people, gender dysphoria is a symptom of other underlying mental health issues, and transitioning is seen as a patch. They ignore real solutions and then take any negative reactions to their transition extremely poorly. Trying to pass as the other sex just adds a whole new layer of anxiety to your life. It’s not a good mixture.

Here’s a timeline of my journey based on my thoughts and realizations:

Age Event
Late 20s Started seriously considering social transition to female. Felt it was an escape from self-hatred.
28 Realized my desire was intertwined with a fetish and fears of infertility. Decided to desist and not pursue medical transition.
28 Began to understand that transition would not solve my underlying problems with self-esteem and needed to find other ways to cope.

Top Comments by /u/ave_maria9334:

9 comments • Posting since December 1, 2019
Reddit user ave_maria9334 explains the source of anger and feelings of betrayal towards the medical establishment and trans community among detransitioners.
26 pointsDec 29, 2019
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So your issue is that r/detrans is negative towards the medical establishment that handed them hormones? I think it's completely natural for quite a few people to feel betrayed by those doctors and psychologists. You don't like that they have problems with the trans community they were a part of? Really, if everything was all hunky dory between a lot of these people and the trans community, almost all of the people here would still be trans. There's a lot of anger that you're calling "gaslighting." That hatred, however, is like that of exes towards each other--there was love there once.

The issues that I've seen people bring up for why they desisted is a lot more than just realizing they look terrible in a dress. It's still a perfectly valid reason to detransition, but there are also plenty in the trans community that try to make those who who cannot pass feel at home. So those who can't pass aren't automatically in one camp or another.

Reddit user ave_maria9334 explains that MTF detransitioners will retain breast tissue, and that while testosterone will improve penile function, its recovery depends on tissue atrophy from lack of erections. They note sperm production is an unknown and that outcomes vary greatly depending on the age hormones were first taken.
12 pointsDec 1, 2019
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So you will still have breasts. That tissue is not going to go away.

I am not sure about the sperm thing or about your penis. Obviously when you have testosterone in your system as your primary hormone again, your penis is going to do better. But the question is how atrophied the tissue is from not having had erections. As for sperm... I don't know and I don't know if doctors know either. All of this depends on when you went on hormones too. Someone who started at age 12 will be a bit different than someone who started at 30.

Reddit user ave_maria9334 explains their decision to desist transition, citing difficulty separating a fetish from gender identity, an unhealthy desire to *be* a woman, concerns over sexual relationships, and a fear of infertility.
9 pointsDec 4, 2019
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Yeah, the fetish thing is a really legitimate concern, and it is difficult to separate things. I had the same questions which made me decide to desist transitioning. In a lot of ways my desire for a woman was becoming this unhealthy desire to be a woman, and that desire if realized would have made sexual relationships more difficult instead of less difficult. Plus the idea of becoming infertile scares the bejeezus out of me.

Reddit user ave_maria9334 comments that unattractiveness is a broad social repulsion, not just sexual, and affirms the OP looks better as a female again.
4 pointsDec 27, 2019
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Well, who wants to be unattractive?

I wouldn't say the attractiveness is purely sexual, either. You know where there are some people who you would never want to talk to based just on appearance? They are repulsing? (Which is the opposite of being attractive). It's not even a question of dating. I wouldn't say you were ever at this extreme even as male (I'm mainly thinking of other cases), but you definitely are less so now that you are female again.

Reddit user ave_maria9334 comments on a girlfriend's potential transition, suggesting her desire to be male may stem from unresolved trauma and a misconception that masculinity is a solution to insecurity.
4 pointsDec 13, 2019
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I agree with the other commenters that she really needs to resolve her issues with being raped.

Some of those who do transition from being female to male become really obsessed with being big and working out to a point that men like myself think is... not normal. A lot of men who go and lift a ton or buy big trucks, etc. are "compensating for something." The usual joke is just that they have a small dick, but that can be something in other areas as well. Some of these men probably aren't as big a hit with the ladies as they would like, or they feel insecure in other ways.

Maybe one thing you could do is just make fun of men like that. Look up stuff about how lonely and insecure men are right now (there is a lot of material) and talk to her about that sometimes. It could help her realize that the grass is not greener on the other side.

Reddit user ave_maria9334 explains why they believe gender dysphoria is a manifestation of underlying mental illness and that transitioning acts as a harmful patch that ignores real solutions and increases anxiety.
4 pointsDec 2, 2019
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I think you're on to something. They have underlying mental health issues that partially manifest as gender dysphoria, and transitioning is seen as a patch to their problems. So they ignore real solutions or even coddle their mental illness while transitioning, and they take negative reaction to their transition extremely poorly. Trying to pass as the other sex also makes them have more anxiety, as they have even more to worry about... it's just not a good mixture.

Reddit user ave_maria9334 explains the difference between misogyny and male attraction, advising a detransitioned woman to use her understanding of male insecurity to defend herself.
4 pointsDec 22, 2019
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So I think you need to separate misogyny from men being attracted to you. Those aren't the same thing. Misogyny is when men hate you for being a woman.

Since you've tried to be a man, you might have picked up on ways in which men are insecure themselves and how they think. So you can fire back at them if you need to in ways that they usually hear from a man.

Reddit user ave_maria9334 explains why they desisted from transitioning, advising self-acceptance over changing gender to solve self-hatred.
3 pointsDec 27, 2019
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I was someone who was thinking about transitioning to be female but I ended upbdesisting for the exact same reasons as you. I think it's pretty clear why I was drawn to it--to put it bluntly, there is a ton about myself that I have always hated and I widh I could be way different than I actually am. A clear thing to realize is that transition would have never fixed any of that anyways. So the solution is to find another way to do this. It might be good to see a therapist or a priest who can help you. It might be good to pick up a new hobby. It might be good to figure out how to strangle what you hate about yourself. I have my own trouble figuring out how to do all this, but I hope we can both figure it all out respectively.

Reddit user ave_maria9334 comments on potential for severe testosterone withdrawal, advising close medical supervision during detransition.
3 pointsDec 27, 2019
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I can't remember where, but there was an article about a woman who quit testosterone and had massive withdrawals. I think she even might have gone to the hospital. That's not to meant to scare you, but to let you know that being hyper aware and concerned for your health is not misplaced. I think being in constant conversation with a doctor right now is probably a smart idea until you know for certain that you've landed safely. After all, your body is going through a lot with having its hormones totally inverted once again.