My whole journey with gender started because I was a deeply unhappy kid who never fit in. I was born female, but I was always a very masculine girl. I never got along with other girls and preferred hanging out with boys. I used to tell other kids I was a boy, and I hated the dresses I had to wear for my Catholic school uniform. I even had dreams where I had a penis and would wake up crying because it wasn't real. Looking back, I think a lot of that was just a natural phase that a lot of gay kids go through; I'm a lesbian, and it makes sense that I felt different.

As I got older, I was still miserable and hated my body, but I don't think it was really about being female. It was more about how females are treated and what was expected of me. I never fit into those expectations. I also had a lot of general self-hatred and body image issues that I didn't know how to deal with.

Then, when I was about 13 or 14, I discovered what being transgender was. It was like a lightbulb went off. I suddenly had an explanation for all my pain. I put everything into the idea that I was trans. I started hating new things about my body that I never even thought about before, like my breasts. My dysphoria got so much worse after I learned about it; it was like I was collecting evidence to prove I was trans. I wanted to kill myself over it for years. I thought that since nothing else had made me less miserable, transitioning must be the answer. It made perfect sense: I was masculine, so I must be a man.

Being gay also made it easier to justify transitioning to everyone around me. It was like, "See, I like girls, so of course I must be a straight man." There was a lot of internalized homophobia there that I didn't see at the time.

I also have a naturally high testosterone level for a female. I can grow more of a beard than most women and I'm very masculine. I think the hardships that came with being a masculine female—never fitting in, always being seen as different—is what really made me want to transition. I placed all my other body image issues into the "trans" basket because it felt more legitimate than just being a hysterical, insecure girl.

I never ended up taking hormones or having surgery. I identified as a man for nearly a decade, but I'm so glad I didn't medically transition. I realized that transition is incredibly hard, and if you already know it's not going to make you happy, it's not for you. I came to understand that I would hate myself whether I was a man or a woman. The problem wasn't my gender; it was my deep-seated self-loathing and other issues.

What helped me the most was years of hard work in therapy. I had to learn to accept myself. I'm now comfortable being a butch lesbian. I'm incredibly masculine in my looks, mannerisms, and hobbies, and I'm gay, but I go by she/her because that's simply what I am. I'm at a place of acceptance I never thought I could achieve. I fully believe I am much better off as I am now than I would be as a straight man. I don't regret exploring my gender because it led me to where I am now, but I do regret the years I spent in such intense pain and self-hatred, convinced that changing my body was the only solution.