Ok firstly it’s ok to go to the internet for advice but don’t let the internet dictate your whole identity!!! people on this subreddit are biased. People on every subreddit are biased. It’s normal. But don’t assign any labels to yourself based on what others say. Just because internet strangers say you’re a tomboy, doesn’t mean you’re a tomboy. Just because internet strangers say you’re trans, doesn’t mean you’re trans. That’s for you and only you to figure out. I’d say you’re 13, you have time to think about it and figure yourself out. For now just do what makes you comfortable. If you like a certain name and set of pronouns, use them! If you like dressing a certain way, then dress that way! if there are certain things that make your dysphoria better, then do those things. Just do what makes you feel comfortable and like yourself. The rest will come. I’m only 16 so I’m also a child and still def figuring stuff out but don’t force yourself into a label that makes you feel uncomfortable. good luck!

That’s so silly. “harder” is kind of relative. Harder in terms of mental health? Family? Quality of life? “Harder” kind of pits people against each other, like making struggles a competition when it’s really not. I think queer ppl have their own struggles and issues that cishet people can’t understand. detrans ppl also have their own struggles trans ppl and cishets can’t understand. but to say that one group has it harder than others is silly and just creates an “us vs them” mentality. I think trans people tend to have these big reactions to de-trans ppl because they see it as invalidating their identity. this is true, to some extent, I’ve seen a lot of brain dead takes on this sub lol. but in reality these are 2 groups of people who are in similar situations and have similar feelings. I think it’s important for both groups to listen to the others experiences without judgement or reactions, just really listen. just because de-trans ppl exist, does not mean trans people don’t exist, and vice versa!! unfortunately it’s a very controversial topic, esp considering how politicized it’s become in the US and in medical communities. Really there just needs to be more education, research, and compassion for both trans and de-trans individuals, as well as gender-queer and gnc folks. like I don’t get why there’s such a war, like one group is somehow “more valid” or has “been through more” than the other. This breeds misunderstanding and misinformation, it breeds vilification of those who have had different experiences than you (on both sides!!) like there’s no reason to make it into a war. Both groups can co-exist and just respect each other and each others opinions, experiences, and descisons. we’re all human in the end

Thank you so much for the answer! I’m very sorry to hear about your experience, that sounds truly awful and I wish you all the best in your journey. One last question, if I may ask, do you think that therapy would have helped ease your discomfort with your chest or changed your mind about your identity at the time? Thanks again for your honesty!

I had anorexia and I can agree that I was very prone to following the “social trend” on the internet- not to say it was a choice but the whole “pro-Ana” subculture definitely didn’t help. I’m sort of identifying as trans now (though trying to look at it as objectively as possible) and I was online when I was 14, and exposed to this community. I was a tomboy when I was younger but this was literally shamed out of me by family and peers, so I can’t say I felt accepted as a trans person. Then when I was 14, I saw lots of information about being trans online, saw lots of signs of gender dysphoria in myself, and a lot of my friends were like “maybe you’re trans?” When I explained it to them. I vehemently denied it. I literally did so much mental gymnastics to explain why I DONT have GD why im NOT trans because I saw it as something that I did not want to be. I didn’t want to deal with all of the changes that may come. it took 2 years of introspection and self-reflection to be like “hmm..im so miserable in this way, I keep dreaming of being different, I have all of the signs, so why do I keep denying it?”. and it’s been HARD with my family and peers. I feel way less accepted as trans masculine than I did when I was trying to be a woman, or even a tomboy. so my experiences are kind of the exact opposite of the “social contagion” narrative. But I don’t know, just my own experiences and thoughts on this. I’m also so much more comfortable in my own skin now, which I think is all that really matters.

Thanks for your honesty, really helped a lot! I’m sorry you went through that, nobody deserves to be bullied or alienated. I know I’m just a kid with not much life experience, but remember that beauty is relative, and just because some people call you ugly doesn’t mean you are. I’m sure you’ll find people who love you just as you are and I’m wishing you all the best <3

Thanks for sharing your experience!! I’m pre-everything, still considering and weighing all the options, and I’m glad to know this because I didn’t before. And I’m glad you’re starting to find happiness! I was just wondering, do you think that the type of women or men you interacted with may have influenced this? like if your friends were mostly queer women, or queer men, or gender non conforming people, or gender-diverse people such as yourself at the time, do you think you would’ve felt more accepted in that type of friend group? Just asking because I relate to feeling alienated from cishet people, regardless of gender, but when I found a queer friend groups at school (a mix of all genders and types of people) I felt a lot more accepted. sorry if this comes across as interrogative, just something I was thinking about, and totally ok if you don’t want to answer :)

Thanks for the advice. I’m 16, almost 17, so getting there lol! It would be great to just exist lol anytime I talk about my gender feelings people get angry. I tried changing my name and pronouns at school because I’d been wanting to for a long time and I felt really comfortable with it. but idk. I know I was born a girl, I know I can’t change that. I don’t want to change that that’s unrealistic. all I want is to feel like I belong in my own body. like when I dress fem or when people keep assuming I’m a girl or when I try to convince myself I’m a girl I feel like a stranger in my body, but when I dress masc, when I call myself a boy or “dude” or they/them (even jokingly) I feel like I belong, not to a group, but like I belong in my body. And there’s certain procedures maybe that would help me feel even more comfortable in my skin. But I don’t want rush into things or regret ofc. But if I could just get rid of the “im not a girl” feelings and try to be cis, I think maybe I could learn to be okay with it? I know I’d be happier as a more masculine-ish person but if I could just train myself to be okay with thinking of myself as a girl then maybe life would be easier? If not for me then for those around me at least? idk I’m just tired I wish I was a girl. like I wish I didn’t feel so strongly about not being one. Idk. But thanks for the advice :)

Tysm for your answer and I’m sorry to hear about your negative experience. If you don’t mind me asking, why did you want to pursue top surgery in the first place? not trying to interrogate just trying to inform myself, and totally okay if you don’t want to answer. Thanks again!

Thanks for your thoughts, it def provides me a different perspective which is always welcome :) so basically I think that anyone who feels as though they are a “woman” and feel comfortable in that label is a woman. And same for men. idk if a lot of people here will agree, but that’s the definition that makes the most sense to me. Because if it’s just chromosomes, then imagine a hypothetical trans woman who’s been socially transitioned since 5yrs old, who is now 60 and has had all of the available affirming surgeries and is happy and comfortable living as a woman. if it’s just chromosomes, she’s still a man. Even though in society’s eyes, in her family and friends eyes, in her own eyes, she is a “woman”. I agree that these labels mean nothing though. They are fully made up and being a “man” or a “woman” isn’t about stereotypes. I think it’s about how you think about yourself, about how you see your place in society (girl or boy friend groups, for example), how you’d like people in society to treat you, what pronouns and compliments you’re most comfortable with (pretty? handsome?), and how you feel about your body in relation to the gendered aspects of it (eg/ do you want bigger boobs? Smaller? a flat chest?). I think all those things need to be taken into account when thinking about gender identity. Sex (chromosomes) is unchangeable, but gender is fluid, made up by society, and very personal based on an individual’s hormones, brain chemistry, life experiences, etc. that’s not to say you can CHOOSE your gender (I would not choose chest dysphoria. I would not choose feeling so uncomfortable in a dress), but I don’t think it’s something you’re born with. Rather something you explore within yourself and figure out over time. If that makes sense.

as for my biases against woman, I guess the first thing that comes to mind is breasts. like just boobs, bras, the bump in your shirt, the jiggle, etc. im bi and suuuper attracted to that in other women lol, but it’s something that when I think of a woman and feel disconnected from it, that’s what I think of. next is like, feminine clothing. Long hair. Girly friend groups, or having female friends that you can relate to. Specific struggles like harassment or being catcalled (never experienced this, obviously awful experience to have but just can’t relate to other women in terms of this). Feminine makeup. Wanting a straight boyfriend or a specific type of man. Wearing revealing outfits or bathing suits and feeling confident in them (not to say that’s bad obviously, women wear what they want! Just can’t relate). Changing around your other girl friends and not caring. Playing sports or games with other women and a sense of a “team”. painting each others nails, doing each others hair. loving, touchy friendships I notice women friend groups tend to have. Wearing tighter clothes like tights and saying it’s comfortable, or wearing a tank top in the heat and feeling okay in it. That sense of shared experience that an oppressed group sometimes have, like “I grew up as a woman too, I have had similar experiences and I can relate to how it feels to be a woman in a society that devalues them”. Never really related to that feeling, I don’t feel like I know what it’s like even though I am technically part of that group. I know that not every woman experiences these things, or has these feelings. And I know a lot of these a stereotypes or maybe don’t make sense. But these are the things that come to mind when I think of “women” and the parts of that that I can’t relate to.

As for “boy” and “man”, ur absolutely right. I’m at a place rn where I know I don’t want HUGE changes in my body. I feel very strongly about top surgery, and changing my name in public with friends (although I want to keep my birth name with family). but yeah, I wouldn’t want a beard or male fat distribution or anything like that. im kind of like, I want some little changes like my voice, a tiny bit of facial hair. Like if I could take T for a few months and then go off it before the huge effects come, then the permanent ones I want (voice, bottom growth) would stay and the ones I don’t want (excessive body hair, male pattern baldness) wouldn’t have taken effect yet. I can even see myself being happy without T at all, honestly. I just can’t see myself ever being happy or comfortable without a flat chest. like every single time I look down or look in the mirror and see my chest I’m hit with a pang of like “what the fuck. that’s not a part of me. that’s weird. what is that doing on my body”. Yk. very detached. but yeah, I don’t see myself as a “man” or a “woman”. maybe also bc those are adult descriptors and I’m still a kid, maybe when I’m older I’ll be more comfortable labeling myself as a “man”. but yeah, def don’t want huge changes. Can see myself being somewhat okay with no changes at all, hormonally speaking.

as for society, I was always ok with all pronouns, ok with both my masculine and feminine name. Recently I’ve been wanting to be perceived as more masculine since it’s started feeling uncomfortable for me using she/her. but I can see myself becoming more comfortable with she/her over time. However i don’t think people using he/him for me will ever feel as weird or wrong as people using she/her, which I why I want to be perceived this way. And it’s different with family. My family using my chosen name feels wrong because I know they don’t believe me and they use it mockingly, so I genuinely feel better with my girl name than my boy name, in that specific situation. But with my boyfriend or peers at school, I like more masculine gendered language.

I know this is a lot omg. Sorry. A lot of thoughts I have just vomited lmao. Thanks for reading if you got this far :)

Thanks for reading and for the questions u asked! I will definitely wait out hormones and surgery and o still have a lot more research and self reflection to do before then anyways :) im also in an exploratory-type therapy that isn’t either affirming or denying (my therapist is literally true neutral on this lol) so i have faith that I’ll figure it out eventually haha