My whole journey with gender started when I was a teenager. I felt really uncomfortable with my body, especially during puberty. I hated developing breasts and felt a deep sense of wrongness with my female body. I now see this as a mix of body dysmorphia and general puberty discomfort. At the time, I was also struggling with depression and low self-esteem, and I found a lot of escape online in trans communities. I believe I was heavily influenced by what I saw there; it gave me a framework to understand my feelings, but it also probably pushed me further down a path I might not have taken otherwise.

I socially transitioned to male for a few years. I didn’t take hormones or have any surgeries, but I lived as a man and asked everyone to use a different name and pronouns. For a while, it felt like a solution. It was like I had found an answer to why I felt so bad. But the relief didn't last. I was still deeply unhappy, and the focus just shifted to whether I "passed" as male or not.

The turning point for me was getting treatment for my underlying mental health issues. I started a medication that, to my surprise, almost completely removed my body dysmorphia and the feelings I had called dysphoria. It was like a fog lifted. I realized that my desire to transition wasn't about being a man, but was a way to cope with other problems. Once those problems were treated, I couldn't see any reason to transition anymore. I decided to detransition and go back to living as a woman.

I was really worried about telling my friends and family, but I just explained it frankly. I told them that the medication had helped me see things clearly and that I didn't feel the need to be a man anymore. Thankfully, they were all very chill and supportive about it.

Looking back, I don't regret exploring my gender, but I do have some regrets about transitioning. I regret that I didn't address my mental health first. I think I was influenced too much by online spaces and didn't get enough help for the root causes of my distress. My thoughts on gender now are that it's often more complicated than just an innate identity. For me, and I think for many others, it was tied to trauma, depression, and a dislike of my body that had other solutions.

I also think it's important to be realistic about what transition can achieve. No matter how many surgeries or hormones someone takes, they won't have a cis body. I see a lot of people struggling because they can't "pass" perfectly, and I believe that finding peace with your birth sex, when possible, leads to better outcomes. For me, that peace came through non-affirming therapy and proper medication.

As for sexuality, my experience has made me think about it differently. I'm heterosexual, and I've thought about dating. I wouldn't mind dating a man who had detransitioned, like me, but I don't think I could date a trans woman. I wonder if my own experience of stepping away from transition makes me see things differently.

Here is a timeline of my journey: