I have just started reading this and it’s crazy. There is no longer any doubt in my mind about the widespread harm this is causing and the complete lack of understanding medical professionals are working with. It’s so sad, and I can’t believe I was so wrapped up in this completely experimental process, without ANY form of psychotherapy whatsoever. I was on blockers and testosterone for five years … I’m grateful beyond belief that I had already begun puberty. And even more grateful that I didn’t get liver tumours as a result! Like wtf.

I feel this as well. I’m lucky to be around some people who are interested in having open conversations about the situation, and who don’t consider deviations from the generally accepted stance to be indication of being an evil person. But there are other people I know who wouldn’t allow a conversation like that because their opinions are so strict. It’s especially grating because their opinions are clearly scraped from the internet. I know what they spend time doing, and a lot of it is just scrolling through echo chambers on social media. One friend in particular claims to be nonbinary and goes by she/they pronouns, but nothing about her deviates from just .. being a woman. (That’s a clumsy description, but I don’t know how else to word it.) If I revealed some of my true feelings, she’d see me as a villain. And yet, I am the one who has lived the experience, spent intensive years in deep consideration of these truths, and felt the repercussions. All of her opinion is from shallow tiktoks and tweets about trans rights that make her feel like a good person, but have no deeper thought behind them. It’s so frustrating that I’m not even allowed to talk about trans issues when I literally was trans, yet other people who have such limited experience are claiming to be experts on the topic. And yeah the backwards sliding of feminism you talk about is so real, but I can’t express that without being labeled a TERF (which I’m not comfortable aligning with either). It’s the intensive labeling that is ruining us; there is no nuance, only assigned labels, and I’m really uninterested in forming relationships with people who can’t see that atm.

Hey, thanks so much for everyone’s comments, they helped to calm me down. I did talk to my mum tonight and she was so supportive of me. She also said that had she been my age at the time when I was, with the rise of trans stuff online, she would have possibly made the decision to transition as well. But when I when came out, she was nervous to dissuade me and thought I knew best.

When I made this post 12hrs ago I felt like my life was ending and I just kept crying. But reading everyone’s words here and especially telling my mum was so affirming, now I just feel relieved. So I’m grateful for everyone else’s openness and support

I would agree with all previous comments and also emphasise the fact that after five months off testosterone, you won't have perceived all the possible feminising changes that will happen once your hormones have fully balanced out. It will take a while for estrogen to come back and level, and take full effect, so there may be more changes that you didn't get a chance to witness. Trust in your body's natural processes if you can. I would also say that during this time of hormone imbalance, mood swings and exacerbated self criticism are very likely. If you can be aware of that, it might be easier to deal with them and be kinder to yourself.

But even if nothing changes, you are still a woman and there is nothing more you have to do to be a woman. You are not beyond repair. It might be a long process, but it is the clearest path to love and acceptance of yourself, and I believe it is worth it. Of course social pressures cannot be avoided and I deeply empathise with you, but if you feel you are a woman, then you are. From now on you have the capacity to just 'be,' without having to change yourself based on gendered stereotypes, and though it is hard it is also very freeing.

I’m not diagnosed, but I’m 90% certain I have autism, and it’s so weird to me how the trans community will talk about the fact that it’s common for autistic people to be gender diverse as something good, or at least not as a signifier of something concerning. Like I saw “sjw” people online talking about this as if it’s a positive aspect of autism not to care about gender, rather than that causing them to realise that maybe autistic people are incorrectly deciding themselves to be trans due to our feelings of not fitting in.

The realisation was horrible and I too felt hopeless, but the reality was quite beautiful. I have a huge weight lifted from me now, and am lucky to have people who are deeply accepting of me. I am living naturally without pretending, no stress of being “found out,” and not having to constantly act as someone I’m not. Appreciation of my body and the distinctly female aspects I used to loathe. This is not to say things will be perfect, but they never are, and I feel happier than I ever have. It is very rewarding to go through this process of self realisation and acceptance, so although it’s scary, don’t be discouraged. A lot of media around detransitioning centers around it being life-ruining, and I can understand that, but for me it has been life saving. If it feels right to you then it’s the right decision, even if it is scary :-) everything will be alright!

This is not your fault, you were a traumatised child and that shouldn’t have happened to you. When you first detransition, the life-changing realisation can feel overwhelming. But detransitioning takes time. There is so much potential for you now to fully embrace and inhabit a self that feels true to you, and the emotional rewards of that are immense. If you give up now, you won’t get to even begin to experience the joy of being a woman. Physical changes will take time as your estrogen returns and balances out - and this can be emotionally taxing as your emotions become more volatile for a while - but if you are patient, you will be able to see your body realign. This alignment is a truly beautiful thing to witness in yourself.

I wholeheartedly understand your pain. I still imagine what my adolescence could have been if I wasn’t projecting a false male persona to cover up my pain. But we have come out of that fog now, and that is a beautiful thing, because we have the capacity to honour ourselves truly. That process has been immensely healing for me and, although it can sound like a vapid cliche, I can really feel that the whole experience has made me stronger. I have a much deeper connection with myself and a gratitude for where I am now.

Like you I do fear infertility, and I do feel grief over not being able to breastfeed. But you can still be a mother, even if it is not in the typical way, and I am sure you would be a brilliant mother intent on protecting your child. I won’t lie and say that losing this capacity isn’t intensely painful, but it does not make you less of a woman, and there is still opportunity for you. (For peace of mind, I’d suggest getting a FSH test, as it isn’t 100% definite that blockers cause infertility.)

I hope this doesn’t sound like an attempt to diminish your pain, because feeling the full breadth of that pain is important for healthy processing, and what was allowed to happen to you is wrong. But I hope that you can envision a future beyond the grief, because it exists, and it has beautiful potential. I too wanted to kill myself, but I am so grateful that I continued to live instead. Your decisions are of course your own, but I’d urge you just to keep going a little longer, and give yourself time to fully feel into yourself as a woman. It will not happen immediately, but the gradual process is healing.

I had (still have) an idealised version of myself as a male. I have to break out of that delusion and realise it will never be true. I think I transitioned partly because I was so unhappy with myself at the time, and I thought that through transitioning I could transform myself into a whole new person. But no, I am still the same person, and just struggling in different ways.

I took T for like 5 years and got top surgery. I’m a year into detransitioning now and I am treated as a normal woman; I also have a boyfriend. Life is infinitely easier for me than it was when I was being a trans man. Critical to that, though, is that I feel I am living in congruence with the truth, and what feels real to me. Getting to the bottom of what feels true and real for you is the only thing that matters, in my opinion. Life will feel harder if you’re denying reality, whether for you that’s “I am a trans man” or “I am a cis woman”.

Very recently just realised the same, so maybe I’m not in a position to be giving advice, but - I have just begun telling my family and friends and although they’re surprised, they’ve also been very accepting and loving. Someone else said in a comment here that, in fact, the people around you may be relieved to actually be able to refer to you as a female again, regardless of how supportive they’ve been, just because it might be their unconscious perspective in the first place. I don’t know if that might feel uncomfortable to hear for some people, but it did help me.

Regardless of other people though, this is ultimately about your happiness. I was terrified to realise that I want to detransition, but within two days of confirming that feeling, I now mostly feel relief, and excitement about a future where I’ll no longer have to act a role that doesn’t actually suit me. If this is what you want, then focus on the positives. I think there is a lot of talk on regret and dread when it comes to detransition, but this can in fact be a beautiful process of learning to love yourself.

Start by talking to people you trust, seeking therapy, and probably decreasing testosterone, if that’s what you want. You can figure it out and it’s scary but you’ll be okay.