This story is from the comments listed below, summarised by AI.
Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious
Based on the provided comments, this account appears authentic. The user's detailed, introspective, and emotionally charged exploration of their gender identity, insecurity, and reasons for desisting is highly consistent with a genuine human experience. The narrative is complex, self-contradictory at times, and deeply personal, which is not typical of bot behavior.
There are no serious red flags suggesting this is a bot or a bad-faith actor. The user's passion and frustration align with the expected demeanor of someone who is a desister grappling with these issues.
About me
I started questioning my gender in college because I felt like a complete failure as a man and thought becoming a woman would be an escape from all that pressure. My journey was really about my insecurities, a deep desire to be wanted, and an obsessive mind latching onto a fantasy solution. I realized I never truly believed I was a woman; it was just a way to cope with my pain. I decided not to transition and instead am learning to accept myself as a sensitive man. Now, I'm working on building my confidence from within instead of trying to fit into any specific gender role.
My detransition story
My whole journey with questioning my gender was really about trying to escape from myself. It started a few years ago, when I was around 19 or 20 and in college. I felt like a complete failure as a guy. I saw all the other men on campus who seemed so confident and comfortable, and I felt like I could never measure up. I thought that to be a successful man, you had to be strong, stoic, a provider, and confident all the time. I felt none of those things. I felt insecure, sensitive, and I just wanted to be wanted.
I started spending a lot of time online, and I began using the internet to figure out my gender identity instead of looking at what I actually felt inside. I started to think that maybe I was trans because female gender roles seemed more human to me. They seemed to allow for sensitivity and self-care, things I felt ashamed of wanting as a man. I thought that if I was a girl, all that pressure would be gone. I’d be safe, protected, and loved without having to constantly perform this confident, masculine role. It felt like an escape hatch from who I was, because deep down I felt like an unlovable failure.
A huge part of this was influenced by my struggles with women and porn. I had a hard time getting a girlfriend and felt like I was in constant competition with other guys. In my head, a girl would be lucky to want me, but if I was an attractive girl, I would be the one who was wanted. I wouldn't need luck. I also had early exposure to porn, and I developed a kind of jealousy of the female body and the female experience of sex. I had this "fear of missing out"—what does it actually feel like to be a woman during sex? I thought that if I could become a woman, I would finally understand what a straight girl sees in a guy like me. It was like I had to become a girl to get inside a girl's head.
But I always knew, on some level, that I was male. I never truly believed I was a woman. I knew that even if I transitioned, I could never really know what it's like to be a cis woman because I wasn't born female. I knew it would never be enough and I’d always be disappointed. This created a constant war in my head. My rational brain was telling me I was trans as an explanation for my pain, but my subconscious, my "lizard brain," knew I was cis. Listening to either one caused me distress.
This whole obsession became my entire life, and I didn't even like where it was going. I realized it was a lot like my past struggles with Health OCD, where I was once terrified I had a brain tumor. I obsessed over it until I had a panic attack that sent me to the doctor for an MRI. When the scan came back clear, I stopped worrying about a tumor, and almost immediately, my brain latched onto gender identity as the new thing to obsess over.
I also connected these feelings to my childhood. I had a poor relationship with my dad and grew up in a pretty intense home environment. I think I developed a bad relationship with masculinity early on, believing that something was fundamentally wrong with the way I am because I was a sensitive kid. When I felt critical of my place in the world, these gender thoughts would flare up. But I also knew they weren't always there. There were times in my life when I felt completely comfortable and confident in myself as a man, and during those times, the idea of being trans made no sense.
My therapist helped me see that this was a form of escapism and that gender expression is only a small part of life. She encouraged me to just do things to keep my mind from torturing itself. I came to see that wanting to be the other gender, without actually believing you are that gender, is a misunderstanding of reality, similar to pursuing an eating disorder. It's a fantasy solution to internal pain.
In the end, I didn't transition. I didn't take hormones or have any surgeries. For me, the real solution wasn't about changing my body, but about adjusting how I see masculinity and femininity. I'm trying to learn that I can be a man and still be sensitive, insecure, and want to be submissive sometimes. The goal is to stop seeing myself in such a negative way and to build a confidence that comes from within, not from fitting a gender role. I don't regret exploring these feelings because I learned a lot about myself, but I am grateful I didn't make any permanent changes based on what I now see was a temporary state of mind fueled by insecurity, OCD, and a desire to escape.
| Age | Event |
|---|---|
| 19-20 | Started intensely questioning my gender while in college, feeling like a failure as a man and seeking an escape from masculine pressures. Heavily influenced by online content. |
| 20 | Recognized a pattern of obsessive thinking, comparing it to previous Health OCD about a brain tumor. Gender obsession became a primary focus of my life. |
| 20 | Began therapy. Started to understand my gender confusion as a form of escapism linked to low self-esteem, social anxiety, and internalized pressures about masculinity. |
| 20 | Decided not to pursue any medical transition (no hormones or surgery) after realizing my feelings were rooted in a desire to escape my insecurities rather than a true identity. Began working on self-acceptance as a man. |
Top Comments by /u/bluepandapurple:
Absolutely. I think pursuing a fetish as a life purpose (and to fulfil that purpose you have to make extreme body modifications) is going to feed mental illness in the long run.
Wanting to be the other gender, but not actually believing you are the other gender reminds me of the harm pursuing an eating disorder can be. It's a complete misunderstanding in the brain of what is reality and what is fantasy. And no one thinks you should pursue an eating disorder.
ITS CAUSE ITS IMPOSSIBLE TO PROVE
i was petrified i had a brain tumor, obsessed about it, eventually had a panic attack that looked like a stroke so my doctor ordered me an MRI. scan came back fine and I quit worrying about it. Just in time to shift my focus to my gender identity zzz
Thanks for your reply.
I think in my case I developed a bad relationship with masculinity during my childhood and poor relationship with my dad. When you couple that with the stress of living in my intense home I think it's easy to grow up believing something is wrong with the way I am.
Then when I look at porn or see how hard it is for me to get a girlfriend and be wanted by someone. It makes sense that I would believe that when I'm not actively wanted that I'm not a wanted person. However, if I was a girl. I would be wanted and I wouldn't have to be pressured to live these masculine norms.
These thoughts have flared up a couple times in the last 3 years. Almost always when I find myself being very critical of my place in the world and when I am very self-conscious of myself. How I'm not doing well in comparison to other guys. And how I perceive so much competition from other guys for the girls I want.
In my head I'm lucky if a girl wants me. But if I was an attractive girl I wouldn't need luck. Then I would believe that I matter to others. I wouldn't believe I'm lame or a failure for not being masculine enough or confident enough.
The reason I desist is because I have felt completely comfortable with myself and believed I was capable of anything in the past and questioning my gender at a time like that wouldn't make any sense. All I need is that sort of confidence and trust in myself to make these thoughts go away.
Interesting. I think this really comes down to our personal interpretations of our prescribed roles.
Where I’m saying “Because I’m a male I feel pressure to be strong and if I was female I wouldn’t have this pressure.”
You’re saying “I feel weak because I am female and if I was male I would naturally be stronger.”
It sounds like we both think the grass is greener on the other side. And maybe the real solution is to adjust how we see masculinity / femininity and allow ourselves to embody both sides to whatever degree feels right.
For instance: I don’t feel comfortable at my college because I see all the other guys there being so much more comfortable and like better options for the girls. I don’t care about my degree so it’s hard to be motivated to try.. And when it comes to the girls, I feel ashamed for even being interested in any of them because I know they want a different guy.
Maybe the distress just comes down to us seeing ourselves in such a negative way and we want an out..
Side note: I wonder if those with gender dysphoria after transitioning or after de-transitioning would be able to alleviate their dysphoria by changing their attachment to these norms.
I love the ending line. It really has been becoming my entire life. And I don't even like where it's going which sort of just kills me. This is exactly what my therapist has recommended to me, to just do things to keep my mind from basically torturing me.
gender expression is really like 10% of your life. there's so much more you can do with your life than just obsess about "who you really are"
I’m with you. I understand my gender to be male and I have always foresaw me wanting more out of a transition.
I’d want to do everything I can to be a cis-female but I never could be. I could never understand what a cis-woman thinks / desires / goes through because I wasn’t born female. It would Never be enough and I’d always be perpetually disappointed /dysphoric.
Dang that’s crazy about the fist. Taking e would really fuck with me because I never feel satisfied or accomplished being weak and soft. I much rather enjoy the benefits of testosterone which gets me moving and optimistic about life.
Maybe my eating disorder is keeping my t levels low
I think just do things that can be reversed. If after a long time, like a year presenting female, go for hormones. After a few years of that consider surgery.
I’m curious about some of your reasons why you think you’re a poorly functioning male in society.
Yeah that’s the first thing I found that resonated with me when this came up.
I had health OCD when I first was worried about having a brain tumor and it would switch from TOCD theme to HealthOCD and whatever one I was worried about the other one was unimportant.
Fortunately (or unfortunately?) I got an MRI scan and came back fine but now there’s nowhere else for my brain to go but the trans theme :(
This made me breakdown.
I used the internet to determine my gender identity instead of what I can feel inside of me. I started associating more with female gender norms because, to me, they’re more human. In contrast to men’s gender role which entail be strong, be resilient, provide, and feel.. nothing..?
It’s a lot of pressure and work so I figured hey, since I don’t like all this societal pressure maybe I should just transition because I clearly suck at my gender...
Transitioning to me really feels like it’s an escape from who I am because I feel like an unlovable failure on the inside.
Side note: I definitely relate to your friend who said they thought they’d be safe as a man. I think I’d be protected if I was a girl instead of have to be the stoic confident protector.
Oh yea that’s another thing. For a guy to be attractive and wanted he has to be confident and self-assured all the time. But since I’ve been super self-conscious these last years (comparing my sense of belonging to everyone else on college campus) trans ideology kind of gave me an ‘out’ to all this pressure. Even though it’s not in line with who I think I am.