This story is from the comments listed below, summarised by AI.
Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious
Based on the provided comments, this account appears authentic. There are no serious red flags suggesting it is a bot or an inauthentic detransitioner/desister.
The comments demonstrate:
- Personal, nuanced experience: The user shares specific, non-generalized reasons for desisting (disability, mental health, practical concerns) that reflect complex personal deliberation.
- Consistent, developed viewpoint: Their perspective on gender as a social construct and the "grass is greener" trap is philosophically consistent and elaborated upon across multiple comments.
- Empathetic engagement: They offer supportive, tailored advice to others, showing an ability to listen and respond meaningfully to different situations.
- Appropriate passion: The tone is critical of gender ideology but remains analytical and grounded in personal experience, which aligns with the expected passion of someone harmed by the issue.
About me
I started questioning my gender because I believed life would be safer and easier if I were male, a feeling rooted in my experiences with trauma and a chronic illness. I decided against medical transition because I knew I could never truly have a male body and my existing health problems made it too risky. I only told a couple of friends, not wanting to add more worry for my family. I now see my desire to transition was a "grass is greener" delusion and a reaction to sexist stereotypes. While I still struggle sometimes, I'm learning to find strength in being a woman on my own terms.
My detransition story
My whole journey with gender started from a place of deep discomfort, but not necessarily with my body itself. I was born female and as I grew up, I developed a very strong sense that life would be easier, safer, and better if I had been born male. A lot of this was rooted in my own trauma; I'm a survivor of sexual trauma and I also live with a chronic illness that primarily affects women. In my mind, being a man was an escape from all of that. I thought if I were male, I wouldn't have to deal with these problems anymore. I now see that was a "grass is greener" delusion; men absolutely struggle with illness and trauma, too.
I never medically transitioned. I thought about it constantly, but I ultimately decided against it for several big reasons. First, I have a very feminine body and face, and I realized I would never actually have a biologically male body. I didn't want to look like a woman trying to be a man; I wanted to be a man, and since that was impossible, it felt pointless. Second, I'm disabled and my health is very complicated. Transitioning felt like a luxury I couldn't afford—I already have too many doctor appointments to manage my existing conditions. The idea of adding more for hormones or surgery was overwhelming. I also don't heal well from wounds, so any surgery would be a major risk. Finally, I struggle with my mental health, including chronic suicidal ideation, and I knew I couldn't trust myself to make such a huge, permanent decision.
I only came out to a couple of close friends, not my family. I already get so much negative attention and concern from my loved ones because of my health problems; I didn't want to invite more by telling them I was questioning my gender. It was easier to just keep it bottled up inside.
Over time, my thinking about gender completely changed. I started to see that my desire to transition was based on a fundamental misunderstanding. I had fallen into the trap of glorifying masculinity and male privilege. I believed masculinity was superior to femininity, which was really a form of internalized misogyny. I also realized that a lot of my feelings were a reaction to patriarchal stereotypes—the idea that women have to be one way and men another. I came to believe that the real solution wasn't to change my body, but to become confident in my own personal womanhood. You can be a woman and be a tomboy. You can be a woman and reject girly clothes and makeup. You don't need to adopt a new label or change your biology to escape those narrow boxes.
I think a lot of people today are confused because they can't conceptualize just being a confident person who doesn't fit the stereotypes of their sex. They see the opposite sex and think the grass is greener, but it's not. We're all sold a simplified, stereotyped version of what it means to be a man or a woman, and it's just not real life.
I don't regret not transitioning. For me, not coming out and not pursuing medical intervention was the right choice. It was the safer, healthier path for my specific circumstances. My inner struggles with gender still plague me sometimes, but I'm learning to live with them. My disabilities have taught me how to deal with disappointment in my body, and my mental health struggles have toughened me up to lamenting a life I can't have. I'm trying to find the beauty and strength in being a woman, even if my womanhood looks different from others'.
Here is a timeline of my journey based on my reflections:
My Age | Event |
---|---|
Throughout teens and young adulthood | Struggled with sexual trauma, chronic illness (that affects mostly women), and mental health issues. Developed the belief that life would be better if I were male. |
Early 20s | Seriously considered social and medical transition. Researched hormones and surgery. |
Early 20s | Came out as questioning to a couple of close friends. Did not tell family. |
Early 20s | Decided against transitioning due to: my feminine physique, disability/health complications, and mental health concerns. |
Present (mid-20s) | Came to understand my feelings as internalized misogyny and a "grass is greener" delusion. Learned to accept myself as a woman who doesn't conform to stereotypes. |
Top Comments by /u/boronatedsteel:
All this gender stuff started because people realized they hated the way the patriarchy has defined how men and women should behave, dress, their prescribed segregated roles in society.
They could have just tried to subvert the notion that women = skirts, makeup, housewife and men = emotionless, machismo, toxicity. But no, they invented gender newspeak. You can be a woman and not wear girly clothes. You can be a man and be sensitive.
"Gender is a social construct" Ok, then construct your own sense of self?? Say you're a woman but feel different from other women. That doesn't mean you are non-binary, it means you should become confident in your personal womanhood and not feel pressured to be a certain way.
You don't need to adopt new pronouns or put your life at risk by messing with your biology just to eschew patriarchal notions (which were on their way out anyway). The fact that they do this stuff shows that they don't understand anything.
It's sad that people see gender as nothing more than stereotypes. It's a big factor into why there are so many detrans. It's a "grass is greener" scenario. The former scenarios you describe are prime examples of male misogyny.
When women want to transition to male, it's for different reasons than the latter examples, although still rooted in stereotypes. For women it's often boils down to essentially finding masculinity superior to femininity. For me, I wanted to be a man because I figured if I had been born male I wouldn't be struggling with the issues that I struggle with (sexual trauma, sexual dysfunction, and a chronic illness that majority affects women; however it was still delusional, as men struggle with those things still).
But as we all know, the grass might seem greener on the other side, but it's not. It's just a fundamental misunderstanding and oversimplification of the opposite sex, due to never being able to truly experience what it's like to be the opposite sex. Men fall into the misogyny trap, women fall into the glorifying masculinity and male privilege trap.
I felt similar but as a woman. I have a very feminine body and face, what's the point of transitioning if I'll just look weird?
I gave up because 1) I will never have a biologically male body. I don't want to be a woman that looks like a male, I want to be male. But I can't...
I'm disabled and physically cannot transition. It is a luxury to be able to elect to get this kind of health care. I already have way too many doctor visits to manage, no way I'm going to choose to go to MORE appointments just to get hormones etc. Knowing me, I'd have a bad reaction to them anyway. And since I cannot heal from wounds properly, I would never get a surgery unless absolutely necessary.
I'm mentally ill and don't trust myself to make such major decisions that are very ill-advised.
I only came out to a couple people, no family. I already have enough negative attention and concern from my loved ones due to my health problems, I'm not going to invite more when I can just keep that bottled up inside.
TLDR: not coming out and not transitioning was easier for me health-wise and frankly I have bigger things to worry about.
My inner gender struggles continue to plague me frequently but I'm learning to live with it. You don't always get what you want in life. I suppose my disabilities have set me up to be able to deal with disappointment in the way my body is, and my chronic suicidal ideation has toughened me up to lamenting over how life could be better if only xyz.
No you're good! Well, I'm glad I still have some mobility and independence and can work, there are many people with my conditions that can't.
I also feel like there is something special and spiritual about being a woman, then again the same can be said for being a man--just in a slightly different way. There's pros and cons to both sexes, they each come with their challenges and strengths, and while the opposite sex may have its allure, there's still beauty to be discovered in whatever your birth sex is. I think some people fall into a "grass is greener" mindset instead of trying to salvage the life they were born into.
I think a lot of people also fall into the trap of having a view of gender that is based on other people. Anytime a person compares themself to others they are going to sell themselves short and make assumptions about other peoples lives thereby giving a false sense of reality. Your understanding needs to come from within and be as empirical as possible, not based on societal implications, not based on how you think members of the opposite sex live their lives, not measuring your worth based on immutable characteristics.
That's just my POV!
I appreciate you sharing your experience :) Yeah I think internalized misogyny is a good way of putting it. Or just in general people not being able to conceptualize a person going against their gender norms comfortably and confidently, without it being tied to a different orientation.
My mother was similar...things were harder for older generations of women, they didn't have as much freedom and there was a ton of pressure on "attracting a husband". Then they put the same pressures on their daughters. That, and a myriad of other reasons is why there are so many young women questioning their gender.
I'm the same way, I'm pretty tomboyish/androgynous myself. I was only speaking in generalities, I know not all tomboys look down on femininity! There definitely is a significant quadrant of women who find femininity (as it's been defined by the patriarchy, not real femininity) to be "bad" and therefore believe that becoming more masculine is the best course of action to them. Instead of just accepting to be your own type of woman, one that's not gussied up in makeup and girly outfits all the time.
I think it's that lack of self acceptance combined with misunderstanding the opposite sex that causes a lot of confusion for people.
Is it possible for you and your partner to be monogamous for awhile so you can sort out how you feel? Sounds like having the outside influence of this guy and whoever else your partner is seeing is causing/was the catalyst of this turmoil. Also sounds like you are thinking about the dynamics between men and women and what is appropriate behavior for a woman with a man, which may need further reflection without extra stressors. Especially if you have bpd, you need to ensure you are protecting yourself first. I don't mean to sound like a puritan, but the nonmonogamy may be a bad recipe for you right now.
If you want to keep the relationship dynamics the same, then I hope you can at least get some space and time to go into yourself to find what you need <3
You can vent!
It's hard to live up to standards, which are actually just unreasonable for most people. It's easy to compare to others, but you don't know what someone else is going through. You might see a man who seems to fit masculinity very well, and compare yourself to him and feel inadequate--but he might be struggling with his own issues with masculinity. A lot of people feel lost somewhere in the middle, but there's nothing wrong with being an effeminate man.
Not having role models when young does have an impact, but it's never too late. Maybe you can find a mentor, or a mens group, or some other source of motivation/inspiration on how to accept yourself and mold yourself into the person you want to be.