As someone who would be considered very gnc, I don't really view femininity / masculinity this way at all. Yes, perhaps some aspects of femininity could be viewed as negative simply for being associated with women, but overall, I view femininity as simply a tool in the oppression of women.

There is nothing innately "feminine" or "masculine" about either sex. These are categories created by men to further the divide between men and women. Have you ever looked at /what/ is deemed masculine/feminine? I am told I am "masculine" for having short hair (I dont want to have to style and wash my hair every day), for wearing comfortable or baggy clothes (I value my own comfort over looking "pretty" to other people), for not wearing makeup (I reject the idea that I should change how I look for my face to be deemed acceptable), for not shaving my body hair (I am a mammal, my body grows hair for a reason).

Why is it that "femininity" is comprised of uncomfortable things that make women /look pretty/, while "masculinity" is the natural, comfortable state of being a man?

It's because women aren't supposed to be comfortable. It's because women are not viewed as people the same way that men are viewed as people. Women are merely ornamental. We are something for men to look at.

That is a lot of writing lol I didn't realize how passionate I am about this. Anyway that is my view of gender non conformity :P

I can't tell you if you'll regret it or not, but in my experience, even though I don't fully hate the physical changes I got from testosterone, I still completely regret going on it, because I believe nobody should have to change their body to be able to accept themselves. Now I have to live knowing I could have learned to love my body as it was, but took a cheap route out. I was 16 when I started T, I'm turning 18 in may, so similar age to you. Again, I know I can't tell you if you will or won't regret it, but as someone who was close to 00% sure that I wouldn't regret it, and now 100% does, I would air on the side of caution.

I think I understand what you mean, this was the lens that sparked my detransition as well. I think that trying to view the "self" through a specific lens like gender is really just reductionist at the end of the day. And especially when that "self" is linked to your presentation and how you're perceived in the world.. i cant see that resulting in anything other than insecurity and disconnection from the outside world

>the term "queer" helped obfuscate the sexuality question

yeah i feel like this was pretty much it for me as well. I was in both heterosexual and homosexual relationships during my transition and the only one i can remember labeling as gay or straight was the heterosexual one (which i called gay at the time). The guy i was dating was supposedly "bi" although looking back he had only dated cis women and trans men so... i guess im not one to make that call.

In my head I think I did view my homosexual relationships as straight but looking back everyone I dated was either bisexual or only into women. But the fact that everyone i dated was also either trans or gnc made the sexuality question not really come up because we were obviously too advanced for labels or whatever

1. I IDed as trans for ~5 years, but the process of realizing i needed to detrans took 2 months? I think
2. Almost exactly a year
3. I was getting into different branches of philosophy, specifically nondualism. Made me realize I dont want to live the rest of my life trying to generate some image of myself for other people's perception, and that transitioning was essentially worthless in the long run. That and I had been hate-reading some radfem blogs on tumblr and started to realize they made a lot of sense lol
4. It's a sorta messy timeline. I (18 now) started to question my gender at 10-11 when I realized I was romantically interested in girls and wanted a short haircut. I didn't "identify" as trans until I was 12, and I had just gotten in a relationship with my first girlfriend, which made me start to worry that if I really was a boy, she wouldn't want to date me anymore (because she was a lesbian). Also I was very active on social media, which did not help
5. It's hard to say. I 100% regret medically transitioning, and I hate every single thing that it's done to me. But outside of the physical aspect I am happy with who I am today, and I'm not sure who I'd be if I hadn't transitioned. I'm ambivalent I guess.
6. Really fucking sad. I detransitioned relatively recently, so this is all still pretty raw. Sometimes I feel like crying thinking of that 12 year old girl who was just starting to come to terms with herself and her sexuality when she was given the "solution" of repressing it all and trying to become someone else. It also hurts thinking of the years I lost to self hatred and succumbing to dysphoria.
7. I don't believe in gender anymore, honestly it is so much easier to live in a world where you don't. I am a woman because I'm female. I still look/dress exactly the same as I did when I IDed as trans, I don't view detransition as transitioning "back" to being a woman, I view it as me not trying to fit myself into a gender identity and accepting that I am female.
8. I think the biggest reason is because of the current modern lens of gender identity. Right now it's viewed as something everyone has, and they're all different and anyone can be trans if they identify as such. It's all so fucking regressive. Over-aligning with stereotypes of masculinity/and femininity never makes sense. If I had to identify myself, right now, as a certain "gender" I couldn't cause I'm a human, and humans are more complex than "boy-brained" and "girl-brained".
9. My relationship with my sex is better than it ever has been since I've started to try and work through my dysphoria. It is hard to fully accept myself with the features I gained from T, and I'm still working on that. The female parts I have gotten a lot more comfortable with tho.
10. I don't see myself deciding to identify as something else in the future after recognizing gender as misogynistic and harmful construct.
11. Yes and no. I did go through a few years of back-and-forth trying to figure out what I identified as. I originally came out as ftm, then spent ~a year identifying as nonbinary. Then ftm again for four-ish years. I was really unsure during the first couple of years, but was 100% sure of myself and my identity during the last three.

Coming out about your desistance/detransition can be really, really hard. Honestly I think it's part of what led me to medical transition, even though I wasn't as aware of it at at the time as you seem to be.

I bought in to the sunk-cost fallacy and believed that it would be too hard/embarrassing to desist after years of IDing as trans, and that taking T was an easier route than having to work through all of that. It seems like the hardest thing in the world to say that you were wrong when you've worked so hard on convincing everyone that this isn't a phase and medical transition is right for you. I personally IDed as trans for 5 years, and spent a year and a half going through the process of getting on T, during which I was constantly dismissed and told I would change my mind. Honestly, with me being a teenager at the time, it only drove me to want it more.

But the thing is, eventually you're going to want to desist either way. Desisting seemed way too hard before I took T. It was a hundred times harder after I'd already been on T for a year. I can tell you this though, after having "come out" about my detransition to my friends and family, I have honestly never felt better.

I don't feel like I have to "trick" people into thinking I'm male. I don't have to constantly be aware of how others are perceiving me, if they've clocked me or not, if they secretly view me as a girl. I can actually work on my poor self image in constructive and helpful ways now that I'm not stuck on creating this idealized version of myself that I should be working towards.

It's a scary process, that's for sure. But if the people in your life accepted you when you came out as trans, I really doubt they wont accept your detransition. people may be confused and ask questions, but (at least in my experience) that's the extent of it.

If you want advice on how to tell people, I started by bringing up some topics here and there about how my view of gender has changed. I would talk to my mom, for example, about how I don't really understand gender identity anymore, and don't see why people identify with a specific "gender", and wouldn't it be better to just abolish gender as a whole? Something I've said to many people to ease them into the topic is "I feel like even though I've always understood that gender is a social construct, I still felt the need to participate in it for some reason." and then I would go on about how I don't really view myself as male or even as trans in general anymore, and eventually I would come out about how I'm fully detransitioning.

That's all I really have to say, I think. I hope some of this is helpful, and good luck!

Also if you don't mind questions, what is it that makes you identify with being a boy? I know in my experience it was complicated, but I think it had a lot to do with the idea that being a guy would be freeing, somehow. Or that the ways I wanted to be perceived could only be accomplished if I was a guy. IDK about your experience tho, I'm interested if you're open to talking about it!

I think this is probably the way to go. so far all of my therapists haven't really even understood that someone can want to deal with dysphoria without transitioning and they'll keep insisting that gender must be a part of my identity. i'm sure i'll find someone who's more understanding, my experiences have just been discouraging lol

I dont think there's one correct path. I went back to my birth name - also having a long complicated cultural name that people mispronounce - but i was also never really comfortable with changing it during my transition because of the cultural weight it holds. I dont think names really have to be that important at the end of the day. If you would feel more comfortable with a different name, change it. Or keep your male name.

You could even use a simplified version of your birthname. During my transition i went from Artemisia to Artemis, and many immigrants coming to english countries anglicize their names (My dad went from Γιάννης (Yiannis) to John cause that's the english equivalent of the name). You could also use a feminine version of your male name if you aren't comfortable with having a masculine name. The options are endless, do what you want!

I feel you so bad. But it really does get better. I'm only a year and a half off of t, but I still noticed a major shift in my self image around the 9 month mark where I genuinely stopped caring about shaving/voice training/trying to pass as female. I'm sure there is a lot of excellent advice that you can receive for this situation but I do honestly believe that time is the most important factor. From experience I know that can be hard to hear, I've also experienced not being able to see a future where I wasn't insecure. But it is out there.