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Reddit user /u/cageydaisy's Detransition Story

Transitioned: 15
female
hated breasts
regrets transitioning
puberty discomfort
only transitioned socially
This story is from the comments listed below, summarised by AI.
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Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious

Based on the provided comments, this account appears to be authentic. There are no serious red flags suggesting it is a bot or inauthentic.

The user demonstrates:

  • Personal, detailed anecdotes about their detransition experience and PCOS diagnosis.
  • Consistent, nuanced viewpoints on complex topics like internalized misogyny and social pressures.
  • Empathetic, personalized advice in response to others, offering practical tips and emotional support.
  • A consistent persona as a detransitioned female who did not medically transition.

The passion and strong opinions expressed are consistent with a genuine detransitioner's perspective and do not indicate inauthenticity.

About me

I started feeling out of place as a girl in my teens because I didn't fit the feminine stereotype and was bullied for it. I socially transitioned to male for a while, thinking it was the answer, but it never fixed my deep-seated insecurities. I was later diagnosed with PCOS, which explained the high testosterone causing the body hair that made me so self-conscious. I've since detransitioned, realizing my struggle was with societal expectations and a medical condition, not my sex. Now, I'm learning to manage my PCOS and seeking a breast reduction for medical reasons, focusing on practical health solutions instead.

My detransition story

My journey with transition and detransition started when I was a teenager. I felt completely out of place as a girl. I was teased a lot because my style was grunge, which was going out of fashion, and almost all my friends were boys. I couldn't relate to the other girls my age and I didn't understand why I didn't "grow out of" things like video games and cartoons. I also had really dark, noticeable hair on my face and body that other girls didn't have, which made me feel even more different. I didn't think, look, or act like a girl was supposed to, so I concluded I must not be a girl. That's where the feeling started.

I socially transitioned to male for a while. I never took hormones or had any surgeries. Looking back, I think a lot of my discomfort was rooted in not feeling feminine enough and dealing with societal pressures. Hobbies and interests aren't gendered, but it often feels like they are. I also had some other difficult experiences, including bullying and issues with my self-worth, that played a big part.

It was only much later, as an adult, that I figured out a major physical reason for why I felt so different. I was diagnosed with Poly-Cystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). This condition causes higher levels of testosterone, which explained the excessive facial and body hair I'd been so insecure about since puberty. Realizing that a medical condition was contributing to my feelings was a huge moment for me. I started to understand that my body issues might be separate from my gender identity.

I eventually detransitioned because I realized that changing my social gender didn't change how I felt about myself on the inside. The core issues were still there. I came to believe that for many females like me, the desire to transition can stem from a place of internalized misogyny, trauma, or simply the pain of not fitting into a narrow idea of what a woman should be. There's an unspoken idea that becoming male is an "upgrade" because of male privilege, and I think that's why detransitioned females might be more visible; we're "downgrading" ourselves again in society's eyes, which people find confusing.

I still have physical dysphoria to this day, mainly about my body hair and also because I have very large breasts that cause me significant back pain. I'm currently trying to get a breast reduction for medical reasons, not because I want a male chest. Managing these feelings is an ongoing process, but I've learned to cope better. Things like using an epilator for hair removal and focusing on practical solutions for my health have helped me feel more in control.

I don't regret socially transitioning because it was a necessary part of my journey to understanding myself. It was a way to experiment and explore. However, I am very glad I never medically transitioned. I believe medical transition is a serious step with permanent consequences, and it shouldn't be taken lightly, especially by young people whose brains are still developing. I always recommend extensive therapy to anyone questioning their gender to really dig into the "why" behind those feelings.

My thoughts on gender are that it's a social construct. You should be free to express yourself however you want, but we need to be careful not to confuse social discomfort with a need for irreversible medical intervention. For me, my problem wasn't that I was born in the wrong body; it was that I felt wrong in the world I was born into.

Age Event
15 (in 2002) Started to feel out of place as a girl, began socially identifying as male.
Late Teens / Early 20s Lived socially as male.
Adult (Exact age unknown) Realized social transition didn't resolve underlying feelings of discomfort and dysphoria.
Adult (Recent) Diagnosed with PCOS, which explained high testosterone levels and related symptoms.
Present Detransitioned, living as a female. Managing PCOS and seeking a breast reduction for chronic pain.

Top Comments by /u/cageydaisy:

21 comments • Posting since March 27, 2022
Reddit user cageydaisy (desisted) offers detailed advice on appearing more feminine, covering eyebrow shaping, clothing style, hairstyle with bangs, and posture adjustments, while strongly recommending therapy.
46 pointsOct 3, 2023
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rather than say things like "if I saw you I'd think you were male/female," I'm gonna just give some suggestions for ways to appear more feminine or female. since it sounds like you were forced at an early/formative age (and I'm so sorry for that), I'm going to guess that you missed out on things like learning how to dress feminine for your age, etc, which isn't your fault at all.

  1. your eyebrows. I know some might chastise me for this bc thick/bushy eyebrows are currently "in" but those women that rock that look also tend to wear makeup, which isn't for everyone, and it offsets the masculine look of thicker eyebrows. you will want to start plucking your brows and shaping them; they don't have to be pencil thin, but look up some tutorials on yt for how to pluck and shape eyebrows. start there. if they recommend using a straight razor, I'd say hold off; using a razor to shape eyebrows can be tricky if you don't have a lot of experience using a single bladed straight razor at all. just stick with tweezers for now.

  2. the hat and outfit in general. while feminine girls absolutely wear similar clothing, they also have the advantage of not having had gender reassignment surgery against their will. :( to minimize any dysphoria you might experience, I'd say you could stick with a baggier or oversized shirt and then wear tighter pants. leggings or jeggings or skinny jeans. the oversized top vs the form fitting bottoms is a common style that can help signal that you're a woman without needing to direct attention to your chest. as others have said, the hat is a poor choice. either remove it or get a different type of beanie that isn't so concealing.

  3. your hair. your hair is long, sure, but adding bangs would elevate your look a lot. most men with long hair do not rock bangs. it's a pretty feminine style of hair. so that alone I can see as elevating your desired look a lot. it's also smth simple that shouldn't wreck your bank as much as getting new clothing.

  4. your posture. the way you're standing in this pic is pretty masculine, mostly with the way you're holding your shoulders and the way your legs are positioned. tighten up just a tad when you take pics in the shoulder area and maybe instead shift your weight onto one hip. it might sound goofy but there's just something about the way you're standing that gives off a masculine vibe.

Please keep in mind that this is gonna be a process. there won't be a quick fix, unfortunately, and I highly highly recommend getting into talks with a therapist that doesn't know your family at all. someone completely unaware of the situation. you will need a professional to lean on, one that will listen.

I don't want you to regret posting here either. we're here to talk and make suggestions, but ultimately your best bet will be pursuing a therapist to help you through this. good luck and remember that you will get through this.

Reddit user cageydaisy (desisted) explains how to set boundaries with people asking about a past social transition, advising short, firm responses and offering reassurance that the situation will improve.
36 pointsApr 27, 2022
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You don't need to explain yourself to anyone, remember that. Being asked something like that is pretty intrusive to your privacy so don't feel like you have to answer or explain. A simple "that's not who I am anymore, that's it. Please don't ask me again" or even just "I don't want to talk about it, thanks" should suffice for most socially cognizant people.

Bottom line, you're not alone with this experience. I'm sorry you're going through it, but just know that it'll even out eventually, especially with your mother. Unless there's some anger in there, it's possible that she just doesn't know how to approach the situation or how to cope with it and feels awkward. I of course don't know your mother so it could be anything I suppose. Regardless, hang in there. It'll be okay.

Reddit user cageydaisy (desisted) explains the common reasons behind gender dysphoria in young women and the more complex motivations for men, arguing genuine physical dysphoria is a key factor for considering transition.
29 pointsOct 2, 2023
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it would depend. if it was a female-bodied person, I'd probably know what to say more definitively. most detrans/desisted women (FTMTF) that I know have very very similar experiences. some kind of abuse (either sexual or verbal, such as calling them fat or an ugly girl), some kind of self esteem issue (feeling "not feminine" enough, feeling ugly, etc), some kind social ostracizing (other girls calling them "mannish" or "like a guy" or "into guy things" or otherwise cannot relate to other girls their age) or some combination of the three or other things I may not have described.

if I can determine based on their replies which lane they're in, so to speak, I'd reassure them as best I could. it's fine to dress like a guy if you want to hide your curvy body, for example. but eventually, you will need to address that issue with a medical professional. things like that.

if it was a male-bodied individual, that's more difficult. males seem to desire transition for entirely different reasons, from what I've observed. there's obvs the AGP angle, but I've also seen it in what would be considered "gay cismen" as well. sometimes I wonder (and I can only speculate) if the gay men who transition simply are attracted to straight males. maybe they are rather feminine, but aren't attracted to other feminine men. or maybe the more masculine men they're attracted to are put off by them being too swish. the "simple" solution is to transition to a woman and pull in chasers or, it they're "lucky" enough to have a convincing surgery, unknowing straight men (who will likely notice quickly that their constructed genitals don't "look right" or familiar, if they aren't virgins themselves).

so with guys, it's really hard to say. males in general are more likely to be "stubborn" when they want something than females in most western cultures. it's ironic bc they often display the most masculine traits while transitioning, as well...

regardless, I'd probably say a variation of what I'd say to girls who feel that way, but I feel like it won't be as relatable unless they have actual, genuine dysphoria. in which case, I'd feel better equipped to telling them that dysphoria becomes manageable if you wrangle it correctly.

for either sex, it boils down to if they have genuine physical dysphoria. that, to me, is one of the only valid medical reasons for transitioning (I have been called truscum for this reason). dysphoria sucks. it's debilitating some days. but it's manageable, like any mental illness. destigmatizing mental illness is also imperative for teens, because so many have a knee-jerk reaction if someone even implies being trans or having dysphoria is an illness. why is it okay to call depression and anxiety mental illnesses and empower people who suffer from that, but calling gender dysphoria an illness is "violence?" that sort of thing. challenging young minds is... well, challenging on its own, but that's the time to do it.

all in all, I'd try to be understanding because no matter what I know, I can't ever fully know what someone else is feeling. they could be lying. maybe they want attention that they see trans individuals receiving. or maybe they genuinely feel like their body is "wrong" and pine for something that feels "right." being aggressive won't solve anything. all you can do is be kind but firm and truthful; trying to sway them away from it wholesale will be noticed and it may cause them to double down. and sometimes, especially if they aren't your children, you just have to let it go and let them find out. if it comes to them getting surgery, there's not much you can do with a teen that isn't yours anyway.

Reddit user cageydaisy (desisted) explains how a person's reaction to being asked about their gender can reveal a desire for control, where confusion gives them power but being laughed at makes them feel vulnerable.
21 pointsMay 18, 2022
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This. I was thinking that the difference between the two scenarios OP presented might lend credence to that theory, too. They love "fucking with people" who get confused about their identity, which is inherently a situation where the one in OP's position has all the control. But when someone makes a joke of it or laughs about it, whether intentionally at OP's expense or not, they're left feeling uncomfortable since being laughed at removes their control from the situation.

Just food for thought, of course. Only one who will know for sure is OP.

Reddit user cageydaisy (desisted) explains their detransition journey, attributing their past dysphoria to PCOS and social pressures, and advises caution against medical transition for young people while strongly criticizing a mother's confrontational approach.
19 pointsApr 18, 2022
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First of all, I'll cap my response with the following disclaimer: I am not a medical professional. While there are a number of medical professionals in this sub (at least from my observations), not 100% of us are able to provide you with extremely accurate information with regards to chemical/medical transition.

I will say I do not agree with your mother using this subreddit as a "weapon." We're not here to convince you that you're "not trans," so she's got the wrong idea right out of the gate. We're here to discuss those who have doubts, discuss progress of changes, provide support to those who are maybe getting pressured one way or the other, like yourself, and basically anything else to help each other out.

So, all that out of the way, I do have a rather lengthy explanation of my desist/detrans "journey(?)" posted to my page if you'd like to read. I was 15 in 2002, to give you an idea of the time period. Some of it might not match up to what teens go through today, since I didn't have the burden of an online community potentially hounding me over my dysphoria.

The tl;dr of that is that I eventually detransitioned because I realized that "hobbies and interests are not gendered and do not define your gender," among other things. The discomfort with myself to the point of wanting to transition was rooted in feelings of not being feminine enough (I would be teased constantly because I dressed fairly grunge when that was starting to fall out of style), not having anyone to relate to in a female sphere (since 90% of my friends were male, I couldn't exactly talk to them comfortably about my body in the way I needed to and my mother was extremely hands-off when it came to talks about my body and only would harp on me about my weight/appearance), and having had some other CW-y stuff occur that's listed in my post (properly spoiled/hidden) if you want to read.

In reality, I didn't understand why the girls in my age group were so vastly different than I was. What was I missing? Why didn't I "grow out of" video games or comic books or cartoons? And more crucially, why did I have such dark, noticeable hair on my face and body, where other girls didn't? I didn't "think like a girl," I didn't "look like a girl," I didn't "act like a girl." So then I didn't feel like a girl. That's where it started, and I still have physical dysphoria to this day. It's something I can mitigate, but I realize not everyone can live like this.

This is where the medical part comes into play. Again, I am NOT a doctor. This is anecdotal only.

Only very recently, I figured out why I had such disproportionately dark facial/body hair, and it was a condition called Poly-Cystic Ovary Syndrome, or PCOS. I was diagnosed with this and have since been put on medication. If you are not familiar, PCOS can cause things like an elevated level of testosterone, among many other serious symptoms. In the context of this topic, the elevated testosterone was likely a BIG culprit in how I felt as a teen and young adult.

My thing is that I will always support young people who want to explore/experiment/etc with gender identity, because that is a harmless practice (in theory, depends on where you are in the world). It's a social construct, it only affects your life in the social sense. It is not irreversible, you can easily live as male, female, or anything in between and then change it at your leisure. That is something I will always support as I went through it myself and I think it's great to express yourself how you want to as long as it's not harming anyone or yourself.

Medical transitioning, however, should NOT be taken lightly. It's a process that will change your body and mind in ways that might not be pleasant. The ideal is that you approach a licensed therapist and talk about it. Extensively. ESPECIALLY because you are so young! The therapist shouldn't immediately be jumping into sending you off to get hormone therapy within a few months. Dysphoria is a serious condition, a real condition that should be treated as thoroughly as possible. Solid support and diligent therapy is key for things like this. And the permanent changes are extremely important to discuss thoroughly beforehand.

This is the only thing I agree with your mother about: taking T at your age is a bad idea in general. I do NOT agree with her approach, however. It's awful and I'm so sorry she's doing that to you in your time of need and confusion.

But I'm a stranger on the internet. I can't convince you to do anything. All I can do is provide you context to why people detransition or desist and answer any other questions you might have about it. Some of us went through the entire top to bottom surgery, others are like me who only socially transitioned at one point with no medication at all. Either way, regrets developed because (and this is just a trend I've noticed) many of us started young, before our brains fully developed and could conceptualize what we were doing or even consider other options. It's an unfortunate part of life: young and dumb.

And if your mother is reading these replies (which I presume she is if she's the one that found the subreddit and pointed you to it): LISTEN TO YOUR CHILD. TALK TO HIM. BE AN ACTUAL PARENT AND DON'T USE SCARE TACTICS ON A CHILD LIKE YOU'RE A PRISON GUARD. BEING EXTREME WILL ONLY PUSH HIM AWAY FROM YOU. BE COMPASSIONATE, BE EMPATHETIC, BE UNDERSTANDING. YOU ARE A MOTHER, ACT LIKE ONE INSTEAD OF THREATENING YOUR CHILD.

That's all. :) Either you or your mum are welcome to an open discussion with me on these comments.

Reddit user cageydaisy (desisted) discusses the extreme nature of a mastectomy for large breasts, offering sympathy and advice on options like implants or padded bras, and questions the initial motivations behind the procedure.
16 pointsOct 2, 2023
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I'm so sorry this happened to you at such a young age.

as someone who suffers from overly large breasts, I understand that initial frustration. buying bras that fit and are comfortable can be a nightmare. I'm in the process of trying to get a reduction (not a mastectomy) myself, so it shocks me that your mother went in such an extreme direction... were you wanting to present as male at all initially? or were you just tired of how cumbersome your chest was? it all sound so awful and extreme...

either way, one thing you may have to relearn is that your body isn't less beautiful without natural breasts. it's valid to miss them, but there are many women who get mastectomies for various reasons and are still beautiful. I would say implants could be an option, but it also depends on how much breast tissue is left on your chest. if there's enough tissue, certain types of implants may work better than others. you will want to consult your doctor.

for now, I'd suggest getting padded bras or inserts to give yourself the visual indication of breasts and see how you feel. if it helps, then that may be all you need. I'm hesitant to suggest more surgery without knowing the extent of what you went thru, and even still, I'm not a medical professional. consider the possibility of further scarring, of the recovery time, etc. all things to ask the doctor.

again, I'm so very sorry your own mother spearheaded such an aggressive treatment for what sounds like oversized breasts (of which breast reduction is a common treatment).

Reddit user cageydaisy (desisted) explains why a fallback plan is wise for r/detrans, noting that while the sub doesn't ban trans participants, platforms often ostracize groups that exclude them.
12 pointsMay 2, 2022
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I'd say it'd never be a bad idea to keep that possibility in mind. Cis women who try to keep their spaces free of trans women tend to get ostracized quickly if the platform overall is against that type of thing.

However, I will say that this particular subreddit doesn't disallow trans people from participating or even asking for advice or making their own posts. I've yet to see anything that outright disallows a trans person to be here, just the topics of which they post about.

So I'd say this subreddit wouldn't face the exact same threat, so to speak, as those that disallow trans people to participate, but a fallback would be wise just in case.

Reddit user cageydaisy (desisted) explains that many FTM detransition stories stem from puberty's hormonal changes and internalized or external misogyny.
10 pointsApr 18, 2022
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It is possible that it’s just hormones and all the crazy changes that you get from being in the middle of puberty.

This x100. I feel like so many FTM detrans/desist stories stem from things like this and either internalized or external misogyny. But the hormones is a huge part of it, imo.

Reddit user cageydaisy (desisted) discusses hair removal techniques and offers support to a detransitioning individual, advising against self-harm and recommending an epilator routine with exfoliation and moisturizing to manage unwanted facial and body hair.
9 pointsMay 27, 2022
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Please know that you are not alone. There are so many here who have experienced your path in their own ways. They are here for you, we are here for you. Please don't harm yourself.

I never took hormones myself but I do have an elevated level of T in my system naturally due to a hormone disorder I suffer from. I experience male facial and body hair patterns. What I do to mitigate this growth is first exfoliate the skin with a gentle acidic wash then use an epilator to pull the hairs from the root. After that, I do another non-acidic wash (something super gentle) and then use a gentle but strong moisturizer. Ever since getting an epilator, I feel more in control of how I look. It's cheaper than electrolysis or laser removal, but it has the caveat of being painful at first until your skin and pores adapt. It also makes your skin prone to ingrown hairs, which is why I recommend incorporating an exfoliant and a good moisturizer into your facial care routine. It helps loads to prevent ingrown hairs.

I hope this helps in some way. I didn't want to leave a comment with just platitudes so I hope the hair removal advice helps in some way. Again, please don't harm yourself. :(

Reddit user cageydaisy (desisted) explains why they believe more detransitioned females are visible, citing societal pressure, the allure of male privilege, and the different community pressures on MTFs versus FTMs.
7 pointsMar 27, 2022
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I have a SUPER long anecdotal take anyone can read right here on my account page. Feel free to leave me feedback or DM me if you would like to chat about it.

TL;DR: I felt out of place due to societal pressures and realized that nothing would change how I felt about myself, not even surgery. I suspect many, many females have this same issue of feeling pressured due to their interests not being "feminine" enough. Hobbies and interests aren't gendered, that's what the focus should be, but it isn't. That's why I think there's more "visible" detransitioned females than males; it's an "upgrade" to be male, it's a "downgrade" to be female, basically.

Detransitioned females are more visible because they're "downgrading" again. Why would anyone WANT to become female again after tasting the male privilege? Sad thing is that even in the trans community, FTMs seem to be nearly invisible, even moreso in popular media. No one cares because ultimately, it's just a "female" trying to be "one of the guys." It's sad for those who are genuinely FTM and need support. Male privilege, if they even get to experience depending on how well they pass, isn't worth feeling invisible in your own community, in my opinion.

Other than that, I think FTM detransitons are more prevalent for those reasons and simply a bunch of other factors that aren't explored enough, such as genital trauma, bullying, self worth issues, body or physical dysmorphia/dysphoria, and wanting to gain social status or recognition since this illness/condition has now been labeled as a popular social statement or counter-movement. When they realize that nothing negative about how they feel about themselves or perceive themselves has changed after transitioning, the regret sets in and in some cases, detransitioning starts.

As an aside/slight conspiracy theory, I also feel like MTFs are more pressured to stay trans if they're doubting it by their community compared to FTMs. I've seen groups of MTFs (possibly AGPs) love-bomb a questioning male, repeatedly goad or persuade them through social capita into transitioning, then love-bomb them further when they've finally given in and decided that they are trans.

But when the process is in full swing and they need actual support, no one is anywhere to be found. In those cases, I think there's a sense of commitment and loyalty burned into those MTFs. MTFs are way more visible in the media, more "empowered" and supported by companies and whatnot by adverts and attempts at inclusivity (AKA: brutally firing and distancing themselves from employees who might even hint at being "problematic" on social media or elsewhere). The pressure must be huge on those who are having second thoughts. Then the transphobic side of media (usually politically right-leaning publications or just tabloid media in general) jumps on the chance to pull in detransitioned males in particular for interviews, tries to use it as ammunition against the cultish trans behavior seen on places like Twitter. Then it becomes a battle. That type of pressure is probably a lot for those MTFs who want to detransition, so that may be a little contribution into why you don't hear it as often with that group compared to FTMs. I'm guessing that they probably more quietly disappear off social media and likely begin their process that way, versus FTMs being slightly more visible or open socially about their processes.

That's just my guess/theory, though. Being that I'm not former MTF, I obviously can't say with certainty.