I remember feeling doubt the night before. But I had already paid the surgery fees and couldn't stand to explain/admit that I changed my mind when I'd been so excited about the surgery for years. It was not a sunk cost even though it felt like one. If I'd stopped myself, I'd be intact today and I now know that was worth far more than any monetary loss or social shame I would have experienced. It might feel "too late" for you, but I promise it's not. It's a disservice to yourself to not give yourself the chance to turn back if you're not sure that going forward is the right path for you.

First off, I want you to know that your loneliness is real, understandable, and felt by many of us. I am sorry you are going through this, and I strongly suggest continuing to use spaces like this to have conversations that can help quell the loneliness through shared connection.

I can tell that your concern for your friends comes from a good and kindhearted place, but our experience is not taken well when we initiate the conversation. Unfortunately, it does sound like your approach may have been interpreted as unsolicited preaching. People who have firm beliefs about their personal transitions cannot suddenly swing to an opposing point of view. The contrast is jarring and feels like an attack on their personal beliefs.

In my experience, the best way to be a resource has been being open about my transition without explicitly expressing any beliefs that label transition as part of a larger “ideology”, even if I believe it is on a technical level. This allows the trans people in my life to come to me with curiosity and questions without fearing judgement. I have had many conversations with trans friends who were willing to challenge their beliefs because they knew me as a person, and trusted my input and commentary. It’s hard to have a space where questioning and dialogue feel possible when opinions are thrust forward first, and often with motives that feel like the other person is getting told their entire worldview is incorrect.

Additionally, caring for people also means accepting that their experience may vary greatly from yours. It’s likely that your friends know of detransitioners already, and you breaching the topic in an urgent way feels condescending to some extent. Being considerate of your friends also means allowing them their agency and trusting them to practice their judgement in an independent way. They have decided that transition is benefiting them, and it may be true for them in the long term too.

Getting shut down hurts, but don’t take it personally if you can. People are reacting to their interpretation of your attempts to share your thoughts— not your character as a person who is only trying to be compassionate and prevent others from the pain you feel. Don’t give up, and don’t beat yourself up for not always getting the approach right. You are a caring person and you can be the difference for someone looking to hear a new point of view.

I have a similar timeline from when I started identifying as trans to when I detransitioned. I remember feeling like the world would end if I didn't go forward from ages 15-19, and then right around a month before I turned 20, something in my brain clicked. Living out in the real world as an adult for some time provided me with perspective and time to introspect.

Had a similar realization a few years back. I’m FTMTF but wanted a lower body fat percentage and straighter silhouette from transitioning to male.

First off, I would advise you to think about what you associate “largeness” with. What factors in your childhood may have given this a negative connotation? Did those sentiments hold any legitimate truth then? Do they now? Looking at why we deem certain body traits as “bad” can help us rework our perceptions and realize that a lot of these traits don’t say anything about us besides which genes we inherited.

In general, comparison is your worst enemy. Stay off social media as much as possible. Remind yourself that the bodies we see in media are unequivocally genetic rarities or completely unnatural.

If you’re up for it, find a form of exercise or some kind of creative activity that makes you feel good about what your body can do, not how it looks. Make lists of things you appreciate your body for.

Beyond finding positives about your body’s capabilities, unfortunately there isn’t much to say beyond this: acceptance is the only way forward. Any other option will let your ED and body fixations control your life. You can hold on to your fear about your body, stay hostage to your EDs demands and live a suppressed, ultimately miserable life, or you can reach neutrality and hopefully eventually, positivity about the vessel that lets you function in this world.

I apologize because I know hearing that is hard and sounds like “just love yourself”, but the hard truth is that not making peace with your body will cost you more than you realize. The fact that you have the insight to come here and share your reflections and thoughts indicates that you are a completely capable and introspective person. I have full faith that you can do what you already know you have to do.

Rooting for you to make peace and find that your body is certainly not even close to one of the most important things about you. It is not easy, and it is incredibly uncomfortable, heartbreaking, and infuriating at times. However, so is detransition. I frequently try to remind myself that my ED and my transition were similar: I wanted to change things about my body that I couldn’t. I’ve overcome that thought spiral with regards to gender, so I know I can do it again— and so can you.

I relate to "missing having breasts kind of?". I wish I'd gotten a reduction instead of a full mastectomy sometimes. My best advice is to take a step back to listen to what you want and what is best for you. It's okay to straddle lines made by other people. It's okay to acknowledge that you are more comfortable presenting as a male but socializing with women. It's also okay and normal for feelings to change over time. Do what's right for you and what feels best.

It can be really easy to get stuck on "what" you are. The best advice I received with regards to my own gender stuff was to focus less on this innate sense of gender (that honestly didn't even exist for me) and instead ask yourself the question: What steps do I want to take, and why? Big emphasis on the why, and definitely refer to the questions posted by u/luka_mc in the previous comment. All in all, take your time. You can always make decisions in the future, and feel better about making them with the right information and reflection.

Don't make yourself suffer through the awkward parts unnecessarily! Recommend getting things shaped up so you don't feel extra shitty about the less likeable phases and impulsively cut it short again. I got mine cut into a more intentional shape every 2-3 months or so and that helped a lot.

I recently realized this is primarily why I wanted and got top surgery. I also feared men fetishizing me for liking women. I almost wish I had gotten a reduction because part of my issue was my size, which caused most of the discomfort and attention. However, I did not feel comfortable in private so I still don't really regret it because post-op, I'm a lot more comfortable in my body. Unfortunately, there's no way to know whether or not you will regret it. You can only gauge your current desires and motives. I would strongly recommend talking this through with a therapist through a body dysmorphia/internalized misogyny lens.