This story is from the comments listed below, summarised by AI.
Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious
Based on the provided comments, this account appears authentic. There are no serious red flags suggesting it is a bot or an inauthentic detransitioner/desister.
The user demonstrates:
- Complex, nuanced, and deeply personal introspection about their gender, body dysphoria, and sexuality.
- A consistent and evolving narrative over time, from questioning to desisting, including the emotional difficulty of that process.
- Specific, human-like details about their experiences with social transition, binding, and the internal debate over HRT.
- Self-awareness of their own biases and the ability to project their own experiences onto others, which is a very human trait.
The passion and strong opinions expressed are consistent with someone who has personally grappled with and been harmed by these issues.
About me
I was a girl who never fit in, and my discomfort with puberty led me to believe I was transgender in my early twenties. I thought becoming a man would make my life make sense and let me escape the pressures of being female. After a period of identifying as non-binary, I had a sudden moment of clarity and realized medical transition wasn't the right path for me. I found peace by embracing being a masculine woman, and weightlifting helped me feel at home in my body. While I have some regrets about my social transition, the journey gave me a much deeper self-understanding.
My detransition story
My journey with gender started with a deep discomfort that I didn't have the words for until much later. Looking back, I think a lot of my feelings were tied to puberty and a general sense of not fitting in. I was a girl who was always more aggressive and competitive, especially in sports and school, and it made me feel like an outsider among other girls. I felt a lot of shame about this and had very low self-esteem.
In my early twenties, I started exploring my identity online and was influenced by the communities I found. I began to think that my discomfort with my body—specifically hating my breasts and the sound of my voice—meant I was transgender. For about a year, I seriously considered transitioning. I started identifying as non-binary, used they/them pronouns in some spaces, and began binding my chest, which gave me a huge sense of relief and what I thought was gender euphoria.
My main fantasy was that by becoming a man, specifically a gay man, my life would finally make sense. I had this idea that I would feel legible to others and to myself. I craved the camaraderie of being "on the same team" as a male partner and thought I would finally understand how to have relationships. A lot of this was tied up with internalized feelings about heterosexuality; I found straight relationships alienating and felt a strong pull toward the queer community. I now see that some of my motivation might have been a form of escapism from the pressures of being a woman, and perhaps even a kind of autogynephilia or autoandrophilia, where I was attracted to the idea of myself as a man.
I set a deadline for myself: I would spend 18 months thinking it over and then either start testosterone or let it go. But just a few weeks after making that decision, I woke up with a sudden, clear certainty that medical transition was not the right path for me. Committing to not transitioning was like turning down the volume on all those intense feelings. I realized that a lot of my dysphoria was more about self-disgust and a desire to escape my body rather than a true need to be male.
I decided to embrace living as a woman, but a woman who understands and accepts these transgender feelings as a part of myself without letting them dictate my life. Getting deeply into weightlifting was a huge help; it allowed me to build a body I felt more comfortable and powerful in, mitigating a lot of the body dysmorphia. I also realized that if I didn't like certain heterosexual dynamics, I could seek out egalitarian relationships and communicate my needs rather than trying to change my entire body.
I don't believe in a innate, soul-level "gender identity" anymore. I think I'm a female person whose personality and tendencies happen to fall on the more masculine end of the spectrum for women, and that's okay. It doesn't make me less of a woman. I have some regrets about the social transition I did—telling people to use they/them pronouns and then having to tell them to stop was embarrassing and felt like a humiliating mistake. But overall, I don't regret exploring it, because it led me to a place of much greater self-understanding and peace. I benefited from non-affirming therapy in the sense that giving myself space to question without immediately acting was the best thing I could have done.
Age | Event |
---|---|
10-11 | Experienced intense body image issues and disordered eating, focused on control and purity rather than attractiveness. |
Early 20s | Began exploring gender identity online, influenced by queer communities. Felt intense chest and voice dysphoria. |
23 | Started identifying as non-binary. Socially transitioned by using they/them pronouns in some spaces and binding my chest. |
23 | Set an 18-month deadline for myself to decide on starting testosterone. |
23 | Had a sudden moment of clarity and committed to not transitioning. Stopped using they/them pronouns. |
24 | Began weightlifting seriously, which greatly improved my body image and mental health. Committed to living as a woman with transgender feelings. |
Top Comments by /u/cassleavethatwedding:
I remember staring at my phone with a desisting text I was trying to send for a full hour, just spiraling in shame and panic. This was to coworkers so I was drowning in thoughts of "this is such embarrassing TMI, why did I ever insist on those fucking pronouns, why did I give that righteous speech about not seeing me as a woman that one time, they're all adults with their shit together and I'm a humiliating perpetual teenager, JFC I hate this so so much why did I put myself in this position." Anyway people were supportive, probably was a mix of genuine non judgment and private judgment to be honest but...it's over. It's so fantastic to have that over with. Getting through telling people sucks, but then it gets so much better. People have their own stuff to think about, maybe they'll judge you when you first tell them and maybe they won't but either way they'll move on.
And like people are saying, it's with hindsight bias that your period of trans identification looks like wasted time. It's easy to undervalue what you got out of it from where you're standing now
Yep, I think this was very much an element of my fantasy of transition. Wanting to be attractive to myself, not having any guys in my life for a very long time and turning that unfulfilled longing inward in a complicated way--idk exactly, but definitely something in the territory you're identifying. (I remember Emma Watson described herself as "self-partnered" rather than single in an interview once and that making a weird amount of sense to me)
Hey! I think I had/have a version of this (the straight female edition). What I basically told myself was "let's commit to trying to make life without transition as fulfilling as possible for a few years, then reassess" and pretty quickly into making that temporary commitment felt some real clarity that transition was not right for me and made a permanent commitment to not transitioning. Making life without transition fulfilling obviously can mean a lot of things, but for me two of the biggest pieces were achieving sort of a body detente via getting really into weightlifting and switching over to more androgynous/chest minimizing underwear, and then just dating men, I guess. Like obviously the latter can bring up lots of difficult feelings, but I feel like working through those feelings with actual partners is ultimately more helpful for me than being celibate. (there's this part in The Grinch where the grinch goes "if I can't FIND a reindeer I'll MAKE one instead!" and I kinda think I had a weird version of that going on with like "if I can't FIND a man I'll MAKE one instead!" like just not having contact with male bodies made me want to create one? or something??)
Not saying that any of the above would work for everyone, or even for anyone else but myself, and not trying to tell you that you shouldn't transition. Just offering my experience in case it's of any use to you
Hey, I just wanted to say that I relate to so much of this---parenthood activating a lot of gender feelings in a different way, hating the breastfeeding chest (although it did help in a different way to feel like at least my chest was finally serving a purpose), the longing to belong to the queer community and realizing I wouldn't/don't as a straight woman, the sense that I "should" be attracted to women, the grappling with whether non-binary-ness is a version of "not like other girls," the wish for everyone to use they/them but not wanting the social tension repercussions of being one of relatively few people to use it. If you'd like to PM or even talk on the phone sometime I'd be down!
Wishing you luck with next steps, whatever they may be. Please just be careful and work closely with a good doctor if you do go back to low dose T, I think even low dose can cause uterine/vaginal atrophy and just generally there isn't a ton of good data about the effects of low dose. Also, getting into weightlifting is the best thing I've ever done for my gender feels, and it has definitely improved my mood as well as made my body more muscular, so that might be another way to get the main benefits you're looking for from taking low dose T. Totally your decision and I respect if the benefits of low dose are worth the risks to you, but just some things to think about on that front.
I really liked it. I wasn't sure what to expect because I read her NPR interview about detransition first and was frustrated by it, but I thought the book was empathetic to all characters and smart and nuanced about trans culture and politics (I especially appreciated her coinage of "The Tumblr-Twitter Industrial Complex," lol). I did have a lot of difficult feelings come up with the sexual masochism of the Reese character, but that's something I struggle with in general--it seems like an important aspect of a lot of women's sexuality and my gut reaction is to find it regressive and misogynistic and wish people wouldn't lean into that aspect of themselves, but I also understand the sex-positive feminist arguments that people shouldn't be shamed for their sexuality, should pursue what excites them as long as it's consensual, etc etc
Are you talking about helena kerschner's tweet about the poolside photo of elliot page? I do agree with a lot of what you're saying, but I think a) the concept creep of the term TERF is kinda muddies the waters, where most of the people who get called TERFs (Schrier, JK rowling, kerschner, etc) are not radical feminists at all and I think it would be more helpful to keep critiques of radical feminism's stance on trans women separate from other critiques - for one thing, I think calling super high profile women like Rowling radical feminists implies that radical feminism has mainstream cultural acceptance/power that it doesn't (not that it doesn't have any cultural power, but for instance, the broad acceptance of porn as contrasted with radical feminism's militant anti-porn stance is a good indicator that radical feminists haven't exactly won the culture war or anything). Idk I feel like people just say "TERF" when they want to say "transphobic woman" or "transphobic bitch" (not saying you're saying the latter, just frustrated w the general concept creep).
and b) I think a strong case can be made that criticizing a photo of a celebrity's body always does more harm than good, but I think it's oversimplifying to say that the only possible intention behind describing Page as emaciated is cruelty, making fun, etc. I can imagine that someone who's struggled a lot with an eating disorder that was closely related to their gender dysphoria could see themselves in Page and feel like other people were celebrating his eating disorder and want to fight against that message and be like "this is not healthy, we shouldn't hold this up as healthy". sort of like a "takes one to know one" insider kind of intention rather than a bullying outsider kind of intention? I'm not saying that it's a fact that he has an eating disorder or anything, I'm just saying that could be where someone is coming from. Fwiw, my gut reaction to the photo in question was to feel a little troubled, especially by how small his thighs are, so while I'm not at all confident enough in my judgment to translate that reaction into a clear opinion, I can see how someone else might. (again, maybe it's just a net bad to voice that kind of opinion, though)
I don't have the answers, OP, but I do get a strong gut feeling reading all your replies that you're sort of going through the motions of listening without quite actually listening. It worries me. I say that as something I recognize in myself too - this post and your replies remind me so much of my early posts here, in which I think I did exactly that.
Could be just a projection - I can imagine a happily transitioned person might look at your post and replies and see themselves in you, too. It's so hard to know where gut feelings come from and how much wisdom they do and don't have. But my gut is screaming at me and I feel like I should tell you that.
Hey! Just wanted to say that I really relate to a lot of this. I struggled with gender and sexuality a lot as a kid and a teenager, tried so hard to be queer as young adult (which mostly meant having mostly queer friends, dressing masc and not dating anyone, since I wasn't attracted to women and felt so alienated by heterosexuality), had my "egg cracking" or whatever moment of realizing that I had all these longings to be a gay man, considered transition for about a year (and partially socially transitioned, like switched to they/them pronouns in most spaces and started binding), and a few months ago committed to accepting being a straight woman rather than trying to transition.
The things that most pulled me towards transition/the things I resonated with most in reading trans narratives: a sense that the cruel inner critic when I looked at myself wasn't a straight man telling me I wasn't hot enough, it was a gay man telling me, essentially, "ew, take all that off" (I really do not recommend reading the novel A People In the Trees, in which the gay narrator spends a lot of pages being disgusted with a female colleague's body). Moments when I had glimpsed my body and found it not exactly ugly, but profoundly alien to how I saw myself. The horror and panic I felt (still feel, unfortunately), when hearing my voice on a recording. The joy and relief I felt seeing myself in the mirror wearing a binder. Thinking back to myself playing sports or in math class as a kid and teenager and thinking that I somehow had such male energy doing those things - the aggression in sports, the ego and asking questions and goofing off in math class. How happy I was when my mom would tell stories about my gender nonconformity as a young child, and when in pictures of myself on the allegedly coed, but really boys + me baseball team people would say "no one could ever tell who the girl is!" Thinking back to a moment when I got to join in on impromptu wrestling matches with male coworkers at a summer camp, and what an enormous joy that was ("gender euphoria," even), until it all got spoiled by someone making a joke about don't let [one of the guys' girlfriends] see me wrestling with him. A time I was having dinner with two straight friends and their boyfriends and kept thinking - I like these guys and guys in general so much and I feel reasonably confident I could find a guy who was interested if I tried, but it feels so impossible, so incompatible with myself, to imagine bringing a boyfriend to this dinner. (I tried picturing myself coming through the door of my friend's apartment with a boyfriend and felt - no, that's not it. I tried picturing myself coming through the door with a girlfriend and felt - that's both better and worse, it's still not it. And then suddenly the image floated through my mind of myself as a guy, coming through the door with a boyfriend and I felt YES, yes, yes, that's it.) Quotes from Danny Lavery's memoir about his transition that made me feel so seen, especially "I have often tried to get men to relate to me in a way that did not make much sense, either to them or to me" (that's just paraphrasing, sorry). Thinking about how I wanted all my crushes both to treat me as their bro and to want to sleep with me. Just having this sense that I was illegible, as a person, and unplugged from the social fabric, and that by transitioning to become a gay guy I would come into focus and find my place in the social web.
Sorry to go on and on - just wanted to share some of my experiences in case they resonate with yours. I don't know whether you would be happiest transitioning or not, but I do think, based on my own experience, that it is possible for transition desires and feelings of disgust with your body to shift a LOT. For me it was an experience of strange, sudden clarity - what happened was that I set myself a deadline about 18 months away, where I was going to commit to not transitioning further until then, and then at the deadline month either start T or give up transition once and for all. (I had decided I needed to give myself a long contemplation period before starting T, despite the rhetoric you sometimes hear about it being a good way to figure out if you're really trans or not, both because I was worried about the health side effects and because I was worried about getting a "false positive," where I mistook my love of the strength and energy and sex drive that comes with T as a sign that I was "really trans.") Anyway, a couple weeks after I set myself that deadline, I just woke up and knew - I'm not going to transition, it's not right for me. And making that commitment to myself weirdly turned the dial several notches lower on a lot of my feelings, like somehow the shift from "these are things I want that I will maybe pursue" to "these are things that I want that I am grieving and letting go" changed a lot for me. Anyway. I still might never feel able to marry a man, but I do feel much more comfortable with the idea of having some sort of relationships with men. (Part of that is feeling like I need to and can have agency in relationship dynamics - like, if there are particular heterosexual social and sexual scripts I hate, I can just make that clear to the men I'm dating, and/or look for men who also don't like them). I don't think I'll ever have a social media presence (this is something that I've never felt comfortable with, but that oddly I could totally picture for myself post-transition), but that's probably for the best for my mental health anyway, haha. I might get a breast reduction and/or do some voice training to lower my voice to help continue to lessen the self-disgust, but I'm making myself wait on those to see if I really need them.
Generally the framework I've settled on is to think of myself as a woman (not in an inherent, soul-level "gender identity" way - that's a concept I've come to not believe in, although I respect other people's belief in it, akin to the way I respect other people's belief in God - but in the sense that I am female and the social gender others give me is "woman"), but a woman with transgender feelings. For me that's been a helpful way to let the feelings have the space to be heard, without letting them dictate the whole path of my life. Also, while I share your distaste for reductive stereotypes about men and women that don't take into account how impossible it is to untangle nature and nurture, I personally have come to feel that there probably are sex differences in the averages between men and women on some traits (the overlapping double bell curve model, basically), and that I'm on the far end of the bell curve for women for some of those/closer to the male average than the female average, and that just is what it is, doesn't make me a shameful failure of a woman and doesn't make me special and amazing either.
A couple other random recommendations: someone here suggested I check out Daisy Chadra's youtube videos about her transition and detransition (wish I could remember who it was so I could give them credit, haha) and those were really helpful to me. I also love this blog: Four transgender paths – Trans Blog (grieve-smith.com) written by a man who thinks of himself as trans and a transvestite, but who decided not to transition. Also, the #1 thing that has helped me feel better in my body is getting really into weightlifting!
Hope all of this doesn't sound like I'm just trying to talk you out of transition-- I really don't know what's best for anyone other than myself. Just felt a lot of common ground in our experiences, so wanted to share my thought process in case it's of use to you.
Yeah, I think the lack of underlying gendered expectations is definitely appealing and I appreciate you calling that out, but I do know several straight relationships that seem very egalitarian and I don't think I feel hopeless about finding an egalitarian dynamic with a straight dude. I think the biggest aspects of the appeal for me (although I don't totally understand myself and I think you're right that I need to do a lot more introspection) are:
the idea of having sex in a body that I really like and can understand why my partner is into (you could also call this autoandrophilia, to be fair)--my chest and voice dysphoria are pretty intense sometimes and it can make me feel alienated when people are attracted to me in my current body
sharing gender with a partner, understanding each other better in that way
being on the same gender team around family and friends (even among people that are as not-misogynistic as you can be in this world, I feel like there's just this psychic gender sorting that happens in groups)
I tend to think that people should just take specific transition steps if, on balance, it's most likely that those actions really will make their lives better - I don't really buy into some people being "actually trans" and some people "actually cis" (though of course some people need transition to be happy much more than others). Whether the motivations I listed above are "actually trans" motivations or not, I feel pretty sure that I would really love those experiences. (and other aspects of transition too, not just the romantic/sexual realm - just focusing on that for this post because it's already way too long) But, I also think that the downsides of transition steps, especially the risks of HRT, are very serious, and given how serious they are, I might be better off grieving that there are gay male experiences I won't have and moving forward with my life as a straight woman. If I could press a button and have a healthy male body that naturally produced T I absolutely would, but that's not the relevant question.
Anyway sorry this comment ALSO got way too long! Appreciate your taking the time to respond and ask good questions, writing this has helped me think things out a little more
Hey! Just wanted to recommend this video: Being in a Relationship with Someone Detransitioning - YouTube it's by a detransitioner Daisy Chadra and her boyfriend Jason, and towards the end they talk about her being flat chested and their feelings about it--I think he pretty much says he doesn't even think about it because he finds her so beautiful. It's also just a really moving video in general :)