My name isn't important, but my story is. I’m writing this to share what happened to me, from the beginning of thinking I was trans to where I am now.

From the time I was very little, I felt like I should have been a boy. This was long before I knew what the word "transgender" meant. My parents were strict about gender roles; I wasn't allowed to have boys' toys like Nerf guns or Power Rangers action figures, or wear boys' clothes. Being told I couldn't have something because it was "for boys" just made me want it more. I remember trying to pee standing up because it felt like that's what I should be able to do. When I started puberty and began developing breasts, it felt deeply wrong and foreign to my body.

These feelings got much worse in middle school. The idea that I would have to live my whole life as a female made me feel completely hopeless and I became deeply suicidal. A turning point was when I was about 13 and saw a trans woman on a TV show my mom was watching. Even though her experience was the opposite of mine, I related to her feeling of being born in the wrong body. That's when I first started researching what it meant to be transgender.

I found a lot of information online, especially on Reddit. When I posted on r/ftm, I was surprised that the immediate advice was to go to an informed consent clinic, where I could walk out with a testosterone prescription the same day. That felt bizarre and rushed to me. Making such a huge medical decision after one appointment seemed wrong, and it’s a big reason I started looking for other opinions. I knew I needed to be absolutely sure there was no other option before doing something so permanent. I also knew I needed to talk to a therapist, but it was hard to figure out how to afford one.

For a long time, I was convinced transition was my only path to happiness. The thought of being seen as a man and referred to as "sir" or "he" gave me a real sense of relief and happiness. I believed I just wanted to live my life as a man.

Looking back now, I see things differently. I don't believe my childhood feelings were a sign of a true male identity. I think I just had a very strong sense that the things I liked were "for boys," and since I liked those things, I must therefore be a boy. It was a very logical, but flawed, connection for a kid to make. My discomfort during puberty wasn't necessarily a sign of being trans; I think a lot of girls feel uncomfortable with their changing bodies, and I had a more intense version of that.

I ended up not transitioning medically. I am so grateful now that I listened to my initial hesitation about how fast everything was moving online. I took the time to really think about it and explore my feelings without outside pressure. I realized that my feelings were more about discomfort with gender roles and puberty itself, not an innate male identity.

I don't regret exploring these feelings, but I do regret how close I came to making a permanent decision based on a temporary feeling. I regret the years I spent in such deep pain and confusion, thinking there was only one solution. My thoughts on gender now are that it's a lot more complicated than we're led to believe. For me, it wasn't about having a male brain in a female body. It was about not fitting into the very narrow box that society said a girl should fit into.

I'm sharing this because I hope it helps someone else who is unsure to slow down and question everything. It's okay to not be sure, and it's okay to find your own path outside of a medical transition.

Here is a timeline of my journey: