I deeply regret my top surgery, I have nightmares about it and dream of having them back. I started binding at 16 and had them removed at 22. Being a teenager and having your body be objectified by everyone around you is traumatizing in a way. I wish I had given myself time to take back ownership of my body.

I spent almost 10 years of my life transitioning, 6 years on T. I had doubts that I kept pushing away, I was afraid to let myself regret transitioning I felt I was in too deep already. But as time went on and I actually started feeling better about my life in general I found "identifying" as anything to be exhausting.

I slowly stopped taking my T, it wasn't even a conscious choice I just didn't want to do it anymore. Looking in the mirror I saw my female body returning to me and I found reassurance in that, I hadn't totally lost that part of me yet.

And it hit me: I was never going to stop being female. Not matter what I did to my body or how much I altered it. And what was I at the end of the day if I didn't identify as anything? Just a human, adult female. A woman. And there's nothing wrong with that.

After that realization I had to work on a lot of the internalized misogyny that I had. I used transition as a way to escape the shit I grew up with. I hid my female body from this sexist world to protect myself. But now that I'm older I feel more confident in being a woman that can defend herself.

My male identity was a cage, but now I feel, I don't know, free? Yeah.

I wish I could go back to my younger self and speak all the words that she needed to hear.

Yea the way I approach this is that I don't have many issues with trans people themselves but I think our healthcare system is deeply flawed when it comes to dealing with mental health in general. I work with trans people every day. Fixing the issues within the medical system to make sure that people like me, who were deeply confused and sick, don't go through these unnecessary medical procedures and that trans people who do need it get adequate care.

I moved to Seattle 2 years ago before I detransitioned. I'm super active in my local community and my work requires a lot of interaction with trans folks. Publicly detransitioning has been super awkward, mostly because I'm afraid of being judged, but I've found that even in this ideological bubble people have been kind and accepting. Although, when I do talk directly about my detransition I do avoid the topic of regret and the medical negligence I experienced, I don't think politically left circles are ready to openly have those kinds of conversations. As far as making friends goes, we are talking about seattle here. Everybody is a fucking introvert

I was so scared to have that conversation with my husband. He's a bisexual cis man and was with me through my top surgery. It was hard. It changed not only my identity but his as well, he was really attatched to the idea of having a husband and he had to change the lense through which he viewed me.

I gave him time and space and did my best to help him understand what I was going through. He felt guilt in having supported my transition and my top surgery, but I kept reassuring him that he did nothing wrong. I'm grateful that he loved me then and still loves me now.

He's been very affirming and helps me explore my feelings. He calls me a good girl, calls me his wife, and tells me I'm beautiful. I'm so lucky to have him.

Please think of your future self and how these procedures will affect your constitution and health. Compromising your body's ability to regulate its own horomones is a bad idea. Phalloplasty is an extremely invasive surgery where even the best results fall short of replicating a penis.

Ask yourself, why would you do this?

I think it really just stems from the fact that people can choose to transition for different reasons. GNC may feel pressured to transition because they don't fit the stereotype for their assigned gender at birth, meanwhile for other detransitioners like myself, there may have been a multitude of different reasons. As an ftmtf who was fairly feminine before and now after transition, I stuggled a lot with misogynistic men growing up along with a severely negative body image of myself. Transition offered an escape from my femaleness, but in doing so I supressed my feminine interests because I was reinforcing gender stereotypes. Now that I've detransitioned and have accepted that it's okay to be a woman I'm just allowing myself to partake in feminine activities again.

I just had a consultation for breast reconstruction with a plastic surgeon today it seemed like he wasn't really interested in performing the surgery on me. He said that he's done this surgery on 10 other people in my same situation but he didn't like the results. I think a lot of surgeons don't want to deal with us because it doesn't fit the type of results they want to share.

I'm looking into seeing a surgeon who's worked specifically with women who've had mastectomies due to cancer and hopefully she will be more sympathetic.

I've been thinking back to all the times I had doubts about transition but I would tell myself its just "internalized transphobia"

There was a time I was looking in the mirror and thinking that I would make such a pretty girl, too I wad trans and had gender dysphoria. I was so fucking lost and put on this medical pathway that was so hard to stop.

I was so disassociated from myself and my body and the times when I would get high out of my mind was when I would freak out about what I was doing to myself. But when I would calm down and repeat to myself that I needed to transition, that it would lead to my happiness. What a fucking lie

I also struggled with my T injections, I've always had a hard time with needles so it made since. when i told my endo about it they switched me to patches and then T gel. But even on this different method i got to the point where applying the gel was hard for me to do in the morning. I do think that a part of myself was already rejecting the idea of transitioning before I realized it.