This story is from the comments listed below, summarised by AI.
Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious
Based on the provided comments, this account appears authentic.
There are no serious red flags suggesting it is a bot or an inauthentic detransitioner/desister. The user:
- Shares a detailed, first-person account of a negative reaction to HRT.
- Offers lengthy, personalized, and compassionate advice.
- Provides specific, non-generic details about their spiritual practices.
- Expresses complex, nuanced emotions consistent with someone who has grappled with these issues.
About me
I'm a male who once felt a powerful, recurring desire to become female, which led me to try hormones. I had to stop after three months because of a negative mental and physical reaction that made me question everything. My journey was filled with self-hatred and confusion until I discovered meditation, which taught me to observe my thoughts without judgment. I learned that radical self-compassion was the key, allowing me to befriend my feelings instead of fighting them. Now, my gender distress is much quieter, and I've found peace by healing my mind instead of changing my body.
My detransition story
My journey with gender has been long and confusing, and it’s only recently that I’ve started to find some real peace. I want to share my story because I think it might help others who feel just as lost as I did.
It all started for me as a male who felt a deep desire to become female. I never identified as non-binary; my focus was always on becoming a woman. I ended up taking hormones for three months, but I had a really negative reaction to them, both mentally and physically. It felt wrong, and I knew I had to stop. That experience shook me. It made me question everything. Why did I have this desire to change my sex? It’s such a strange and powerful feeling, and it feels like it’s beyond your control. It just keeps coming back.
For a long time, I was caught between the desire to transition and a feeling of repulsion towards the whole idea. I also struggled with a lot of self-hatred. I remember thinking that all men were evil, and I had a lot of discomfort with my own male body. I now see that so many of these feelings were mental constructs. They were painful, absolutely, but they weren't necessarily the truth about who I was or who I had to be.
What truly saved me was discovering meditation and Buddhist practice. I went on several meditation retreats, and they literally changed my life. They taught me how to sit with my feelings instead of fighting them. I learned to name the painful thoughts—the gender confusion, the self-loathing, the anxiety—and just observe them without judgment. I started a daily practice, even if it was just for five minutes. One technique I found helpful was the M.A.G.I.C.A.L. meditation, which walks you through mindfulness, gratitude, setting gentle intentions, and, most importantly, loving-kindness for yourself.
This was the key for me: learning to have radical, unconditional compassion for myself. I had to stop being so hard on myself for having these confusing thoughts. I realized that the thoughts themselves aren't the enemy; they’re like teachers showing you where you’re hurting. It’s almost absurd when you think about it, and learning to see the slight humor in the absurdity of it all helped too. Instead of focusing on changing my body, I focused on healing my mind. I learned to befriend my feelings instead of trying to run from them or act on them in a permanent way.
I don’t regret exploring transition because it was a part of my path, and it led me to the deeper work I needed to do. But I am glad I stopped when I did. My feelings about gender are much quieter now. I see them as just one part of my experience, not the entire definition of who I am. I’ve benefited immensely from this non-affirming approach—addressing the underlying depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem rather than the gender distress itself.
Here is a timeline of the main events in my journey:
| My Age | Event |
|---|---|
| Late Teens / Early 20s | Started experiencing a strong desire to transition from male to female. |
| 20s (Exact age unknown) | Started hormone replacement therapy (HRT). |
| 20s (3 months after starting) | Stopped HRT after a negative physical and mental reaction. Began a period of deep questioning. |
| Mid-Late 20s (Exact age unknown) | Discovered and began attending Buddhist meditation retreats. Started a daily meditation practice. This was the turning point in my healing. |
| Present Day | Found peace by focusing on self-compassion and understanding my thoughts. No longer pursuing medical transition. |
Top Comments by /u/chapter12:
These retreats literally saved my life. They are Buddhist but as the saying goes among Buddhists, you use the technique to enhance your existing faith and see it on a deeper level.
https://www.dhamma.org/en-US/index
But I am sure there also Jewish retreats you can go on. Maybe there is a teacher who you can confide in, who will have compassion for you
Hey it'll be alright. Why don't you try a meditation retreat? That'll calm you down and show you exactly what is bothering you in your mind...and how to get those forces to melt very slowly.
For example you mention feeling like all men are evil, and like your vagina looks awful. Those are mental constructs. Not to invalidate your pain, but ultimately those pangs are mental and you need to learn how to face those feelings, objectify them (name them), and find equanimity with their nature. Then they will pass and you'll be free.
Hey I bet it seems impossible, but if you just loosen up a little bit people will start to clock you as female again. You have to tell them - then they'll support you.
I doubt you're in some permanent between zone. Your body is producing estrogen so I bet you look female and just don't know it..
Maybe try adjusting your dress a little bit?
I'm sorry about the suicidal thoughts :( but I genuinely believe you'll be okay. Since you're going to college, maybe go to a free therapist or counselor? That could help you.
I have the same issues, except in the reverse - mtf. Was actually on hrt for exactly 3 months and have also felt changed / reacted negatively.
I do wish things had been different. Why are these things in us? The desire to change sex is so strange. We have no choice but to interact with it in our minds because it keeps resurfacing and we can't control that. Which is actually okay. Don't be too hard on yourself - so much of this is beyond your control. You can rest in that.
I think you should try not to be afraid of your desire to transition, your repulsion toward it, your repulsion towards womanhood, and your desire for ut...thoughts are not your enemies, they are ultimately teachers. If you can befriend them, that will help. It's so absurd that it's almost funny, no?
Try to have tremendous compassion for yourself and others ..if you just focus on that then that will be a wonderful distraction that will also heal you.
https://www.dhamma.org/en-US/index
These are some of the retreats I've been to. They are a little dogmatic, but they are free and excellent. I also practice Tibetan Buddhism which is awesome.
I can tell you a little bit, but first a disclaimer. If you haven't been practicing, wisdom can make you feel better but it won't stick as much. So it really is important to sit for some period of time each day...even for just five minutes. Find a teacher and learn a practice. For example, you could do the 'M.A.G.I.C.A.L" meditation I was taught. You do the whole thing with a sense of gentleness...just barely begin the contemplations and work from there. Pretend like you're a wounded bird who needs caring hands around her body.
M: mindfulness. Sitting still with good posture, develop some mindfulness of your senses. Start with vision, smell, hearing...then go deeper, into noticing physical or pseudo-visual sensations. Finally try to gently notice psychological undercurrents.
A: Become aware of your awareness. Aware of the fact that you are aware.
G: experience gratitude. There is running water. Parents taught you how to speak and think and navigate the world. People are kind to you in little ways. Supermarkets are down the street.
I: intention. Develop an intention, just a little bit. Think of something you want to do for yourself today that will help. What has helped in the past? A shower? Doing laundry? Saying hi to the cashier? Petting your dog? Going for a walk? Loving yourself radically and unconditionally?
C: connection. Contemplate your network of friendship, acquaintances, strangers, and enemies.
A: Wake up! Try to feel alert like a refreshed sixteen year old.
L: loving kindness. Practice generating some love starting with yourself...it's so hard, after all. Then gradually expand the walls a little bit to encompass more beings in your heart Chambers.