My whole journey with this started when I was about 12 years old. I was a stupid kid, honestly, and I was going through a really hard time. I felt a lot of general discomfort with my body, which I now see was just the normal awkwardness of puberty. I hated my developing breasts and felt completely out of place. I had really low self-esteem and some depression, and I was spending way too much time online looking for answers.

I found those answers in online communities and groupchats with other young LGBT people. They were the ones who first introduced me to the idea of being trans. They told me that my feelings meant I was probably a boy, or at least non-binary. At the time, it felt like a revelation. It was like I had found a label that explained why I felt so wrong and a whole new group of friends who accepted me. I now realize I was heavily influenced online and by these friends. They encouraged me to identify as trans and later discouraged me from questioning it or exploring if I was just a cis girl after all.

I came out as a trans nonbinary male. I was so sure of it then, but looking back, I think a lot of it was about escapism. I wanted to escape the discomfort of growing up as a girl. I also think there was a lot of internalized misogyny happening that I didn't understand at the time. I saw so many other people online, especially around 2020 and 2021, doing the same thing. It felt like a wave of new trans guys, and I was part of it. I now believe that for many of us, it wasn't about genuine gender dysphoria but about a strong, internalized dislike for being a woman.

I never took hormones or had any surgeries. I only transitioned socially, changing my name and pronouns with my friends and at school. Now, I'm preparing to "un-come out." The idea of telling everyone I was wrong is terrifying. It feels like the end of the world. I go to a school where people join and leave at 16, so it's like starting high school again, with a mix of new and old people. I'm so nervous about it because I'm worried my friends will take it as me saying their identities aren't valid, which isn't my intention at all. I just know my own truth now.

I don't hate the trans community, but I have a really complicated relationship with it. I think being trans is a real thing for a very small number of people, but the extent of it now is not real. I feel so bad for the young kids being told to change their gender. We shouldn't be telling a 12-year-old that hating puberty means they're trans.

My thoughts on gender now are that it's a lot more fluid and complicated than I was led to believe. For me, it wasn't about gender at all. It was about trauma, puberty discomfort, and low self-esteem. I don't regret exploring my identity because it led me to where I am now, but I deeply regret not questioning things sooner and getting so swept up in it. I wish I had someone who offered me non-affirming therapy back then, someone who would have asked me why I felt the way I did instead of just affirming my new identity.