This story is from the comments listed below, summarised by AI.
Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious
Based on the comments, this account appears authentic. The user "cxmpy" demonstrates a consistent, deeply personal, and nuanced perspective on detransition, gender dysphoria, and the associated struggles. The language is emotionally charged, self-reflective, and contains specific, lived experiences (e.g., discussing the pain of infertility, the "honeymoon period" of HRT, and the fear of relapsing). There are no red flags suggesting bot-like behavior or inauthenticity; the account reflects the passion and complex feelings common among genuine detransitioners and desisters.
About me
I was born male and spent my childhood desperately wishing to be a girl. I started hormone therapy eight years ago, but it came with a deep regret over losing my ability to father a child. I now see my condition as a medical issue and feel stuck between two difficult paths. I am terrified that if I detransition, the feelings will return and hurt a future family. For now, I am just trying to live with my choices and find small moments of peace.
My detransition story
My journey with gender has been long and difficult. I was born male, and from a very young age, I remember desperately wishing to be a girl. I would pray to God and wish on stars to wake up as one. When puberty hit, I started to feel gross about the changes happening to my body, like body hair and my voice deepening, but everyone told me that was just normal growing up.
As an adult, the feelings didn't go away. I broke up with my first serious girlfriend because I knew I needed to address this, but I was held back by immense shame and disgust. I was deeply ashamed of wanting to be female. The first time I tried cross-dressing, I saw how masculine my body had become and I broke down, crying for hours. I felt hopeless.
I started hormone replacement therapy (HRT) about eight years ago. At first, there was a honeymoon period where things felt right. But that was followed by a deep, intense guilt and mourning. I realized I had given up my ability to ever father children, to have a son of my own, in exchange for what felt like a vague approximation of womanhood. Every time I see a young mother with a baby, it hurts deeply, knowing that will never be my turn.
I’ve come to see my condition as a kind of endocrine disorder, not a spiritual misplacement. I believe it might be linked to being exposed to excess estrogen in the womb, perhaps because my mother was on birth control. This isn't something I can just wish away. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the different types of people who transition. For me, it wasn't a fetish or a sexual thing; it was a deep, childhood longing to be female, what some call being a homosexual transsexual.
A huge reason I haven’t detransitioned is the fear of what might happen if I try to repress these feelings again. I’ve read too many heartbreaking stories of men with dysphoria who try to live as men, get married, have children, and then later in life the dysphoria becomes too much and they transition anyway, devastating their families. I am terrified of that future. It seems like for males with true dysphoria, it’s a constant, lifelong battle. The options feel like either living as a dignified man through immense discipline or living as a transsexual woman, always knowing you’ll never be female. There are no good options; it’s a game without winners.
I have a lot of regrets about the permanence of my choices, especially regarding infertility. The idea that I chose my own womanhood over the potential life of my son is a heavy guilt to carry. I also see how the conversation around being trans has changed. I think the move away from recognizing gender dysphoria as a medical condition and towards it being an identity has hurt a lot of people, encouraging some to transition for the wrong reasons.
My thoughts on gender now are that it’s a very difficult reality. I don’t believe trans women are biologically female, but we have changed our gender. We live as a vague approximation. Society has become overly sexualized, and I think that plays a role in all of this, especially for other types of trans people who are motivated by fetishistic desires. I’ve found some solace in returning to faith; it’s given me a framework for understanding suffering and responsibility that I didn’t have before.
Ultimately, I’m stuck. I don’t know if I will ever detransition. The lack of successful stories of dysphoric males detransitioning and finding lasting peace in manhood worries me. It seems like the people who succeed are those running towards masculinity, not just away from being transsexual. For now, I am trying to live with the choices I’ve made and find small moments of peace where I can.
Here is a timeline of my journey:
| Age | Event |
|---|---|
| Early Childhood | First remember wishing to be a girl, praying to wake up as one. |
| Puberty | Started feeling "vaguely gross" about male puberty changes (body hair, voice). |
| Early 20s | Broke up with a long-term girlfriend due to dysphoria. |
| 23 | Started Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT). |
| 29 (Present) | 8 years on HRT. Living with the consequences, unsure about the future. |
Top Comments by /u/cxmpy:
if you're not careful moving forward, they will continue to share whatever delusion you request them to
people who love you will generally be nice and agreeable, and only truly honest with you if you really prove to them you will accept honesty that might hurt you.
if you dont want to be a man, I think that feeling in of itself should be enough to inform you about what you should do.
men dont grow up to be pretty yaoi boys, they grow up to be like the adult men you see around you, and if you have no interest in that you should probably get off the train that will take you there.
I mean, are you detransing for you or for other people's acceptance?
because yeah, taking cross-sex hormones has lifelong consequences that are going to make the lot of us struggle to pass unquestionably as our own sex, but if you want to be a woman & all that is included in that then you're on the right path.
you're not just a woman, but also a detrans woman and the reality is people are going to treat you differently because of that, but that doesnt mean theyre going to treat you cruelly
you're going through some turbulence now but I promise you, long before 60 you'll find a way to make peace with all of this, seeing it as a stepping stone towards becoming the man who you'll be years from now.
your frustration now is a natural part of that, but its temporary
I sincerely wonder how many lives have been hurt by the "you dont need dysphoria to be trans" rhetoric / propaganda going around has done. the demedicalization of gender dysphoria has been one of the worst self inflicted wounds our community has done.
your mother cant make this descision for you, you're going to have to make it for yourself & bear the responsability of those consequences either way.
I would encourage you spending some time looking at transsexual men, and imagining of you'd like that to be your life & your future, and if that's worth giving up ever having children for, because even if you want to be physically male regrettably that's just not an option.
also, at least on the FtM side, theres literally zero harm in waiting. you could start test at 25 and hit the gym hard and nobody would be able to tell you're transsexual. test is a really powerful hormone that causes permanent changes unlike estrogen, and it might be worthwhile to give womanhood a real try before deciding its not for you.
I know as somebody who's been transsexual for 8 years, you'll really value those experiences as the other gender and it'll give you a necissary perspective that without, you would always be left with questions & an incomplete picture of yourself and your relationship with gender, sex, and social place
it sounds a lot more like you hate men, and maybe even manhood itself the way you describe it. theres real beauty in men & his masculine virtues.
I feel like FtM are more often the ones running away from womanhood by transitioning, but it sounds like in your case you're running away from manhood because you dont value it.
we live in a very female-centric time that encourages men to suppress their """toxic masculinity""" instead of encouraging their positive traits as protectors, leaders & brotherly fellowship. I think if you work on seeing that worthwhile, you're gonna make it kid
if you didnt take HRT or change your body in anyway, then how did you transition?
there's definitely something to be said about the existance of a detransgender ideology that's as rhetoric driven & mythological as transgender ideology, but I feel like that needs to exist because transgender ideology does.
I dont think either side is mature enough to start to have sober minded conversations about what a mess this stuff is.
do you want to look like a man?
as in, bald, covered in body hair smelling like onions & rough textured skin?
do you want to give up the ability to ever have children to live the life not as a normal man, but as a transgender man?
do you want to compete in the dating market against natural born men who actually have, you know a penis?
you're young enough now, that if you wait another decade to transition it really wont stop you. testosterone is the more powerful of the sex hormones and you could easily pass as a man after a year or 2 at the gym while on T. but if you transition and detrans (as most FtMs do) you'll be noticably different from other women for the rest of your life, and there's a real chance you'll ever struggle to be a mom.
the good news is that the fact that you're even asking these questions means you're in a more healthy mental state then most people who just kind of get propagandized into this lifestyle, but do not kid yourself - the kind of manhood you can have isnt like the kind of manhood your father has.
I used to think it was good for AGPs to transition, because it'll subdue their untamed lust they're unwilling to commit to subduing themselves, but since like 2015 how openly overtly sexual these people are even after years of hormones sometimes, it really makes me reconsider if it's even benefitial on a personal level, let alone the fact that these people are becoming practically far right extremist propaganda as a result of how visually disgusting they are.