The trans community didn't influence me, it was sexism and mysoginy taught to me through society and media that made me believe I was supposed to be a boy. So I don't resent trans people for my transition... but... I do struggle to internally respect trans and non-binary identities, because they feel unreal to me now. Like people are living in detachment from reality. To me, transitioning genders or pretending there is no gender is not real. It's delusion, idealism, fantasy. I do still respect people's chosen pronouns because I support people presenting and living life the way they want to and believe we all deserve respect and kindness regardless as to what we look like or identify as. But I am full of rage over the fact that my choice to transition was rooted in childhood bullying and internalized mysoginy. I feel robbed of a normal life and of my born gender because sexism made me believe from an early age that I was being a girl "wrong", and that everything I liked was for boys (sports, martial arts, mechanics, climbing trees, bugs and reptiles, crushes on girls, short hair and jeans--all for boys). So I thought I was meant to be a boy. I looked like one, I acted like one, I must be one, right? Uh, wrong. There is no "right" or "wrong" way to be the gender we are born as. Masculinity and femininity is a spectrum. Intersex people exist. It should be OK to be androgynous, or to not fit within the rigid societal expectations of what we think it means to be a man or a woman. I was never allowed to just be a girl because I was tomboyish and masculine from the get-go. And now I secretly resent trans people who are happy with their transition because I "passed" so well for a man I should have been one of them. But transitioning made my dysphoria worse. And the permanence of testosterone and chest surgery has filled me with regret. People aggressively misgendering me whenever I go anywhere prevents me from leaving regret in the past, like I can't move forward from here because I will never look like a woman again and strangers like to tell me I'm not a woman because of my manly features. It's infuriating. So, yes, I struggle with rage. And I'm not the best trans ally anymore because I can't help but believe that the only reason anyone transitions or identifies as "non-binary" is due to internalized mysoginy and sexism. Why else would we feel passionately about changing our natural bodies if we didn't hate what we were born as due to sexism? Or glorify the opposite gender, or being no gender at all, if it weren't for sexism? If there were no sexism, I don't think people would feel strongly about their gender identities at all. I think being born male/female/intersexed would just be a matter of fact. Not an insult.

Yeeeessssss!!!! Absolutely! I was told by everyone--peers, adults, family, strangers, that I was being a girl the wrong way!! Since I was at least 3 years old, people were aggressive about telling me I was weird for having short hair, or liking socially "masculine" activities, or for wearing pants and boots instead of dresses, or for having crushes on girls, or for liking sports, mechanics, bugs and reptiles--all things that people around me insisted were for boys! I was told over and over that I looked and acted like a boy... so my young brain convinced myself I must be a boy born in the wrong body. I began male hormones at 16 and got a mastectomy at 21 and suddenly the world embraced me as a masculine man. It looked better on me and made more sense for me to be a man based on social expectations for men and women. I was never allowed to just be a tomboy and a lesbian without extreme ridicule and hostility. So I transitioned... and life was much easier passing for a man full-time. I stopped getting bullied altogether for 10 solid years. Straight women and gay men found me attractive. I was greeted by strangers with warmth or neutrality. But it didn't feel authentic. I didn't really feel like a man, it felt like I was lying to everyone I met. Even to myself. And eventually I decided I just want to be the woman I was born as... but now that I'm presenting and living as a woman, I don't look like one at all from years of testosterone and a mastectomy. So I'm getting bullied by strangers everywhere I go again because people think I'm a man in a dress and it makes them extremely uncomfortable. I hate that I can't just be a manly woman and live in peace. I wish people would keep their judgements to themselves but they are loud and aggressive about it so I can't ignore them. It makes me ache to look like a regular woman. I don't need to be beautiful, I just want to look like a real woman so I can move through the world largely unnoticed. My only options, however, are present butch and be treated like a masculine man--which people are comfortable with but I hate it because it feels fake. Or present fem and be treated like a poorly passing MTF with all the hate and hostility that comes with that. I am still being told by strangers that I am being a woman wrong and thus don't deserve to move through life safely, and it's making me doubt my choice to detransition because people hate me for it. For the way I look. I hate it.

Its not your imagination. I just had a man on one of these sub reddits jump down my throat for stating that women have impossibly high beauty standards placed on us and when we fail to meet them we become invisible or even targeted for hate and judgement. He was trying to say it's the same for men and women, that men are just as invisible, and that women longing to be beautiful is an internal issue and that no one in society is demanding beauty from women it's all in our heads. But I know for a fact it's not because I lived as an average man for 14 years and didn't get ignored or bullied ever. But going back to being a manly woman, I can't leave the house without someone making a shitty comment or intentionally misgendering me to "put me in my place" or humiliate me. I even have people blatantly ignore me when I speak to them directly now, like, regularly. I never experienced this as an average looking dude, but as a tomboy or manly woman, I can't just move through the world without being ignored or hated to my face.

My mom just confirmed for me from her own personal experience that women who aren't considered attractive are invisible. She grew up an attractive woman and always had been greeted with kindness and warmth. But one day, after she had reached her 50s, a man at the store was super friendly to the younger woman in front of her. He was lighting up with enthusiastic conversation and charming jokes. My mom was kind of excited to talk to him because she is super friendly and loves lively conversation. But as soon as the younger woman left, he went completely quiet and didn't even look at my mom as he wrung up her items. He didn't say a word to her. And it was the first time she experienced being an invisible woman, because she was too old to be attractive to him. She didn't want to be attractive to him, she just wanted to be treated with the same warmth and respect.

If we're butch, ugly, or old, we are invisible. It's disgusting how much people favor each other based on looks alone with no regard for the person underneath. It's not because you're being pessimistic. People who haven't experienced this double standard don't understand.

I absolutely feel you. I struggle to hang out with an ultra pretty friend of mine because people flock to her with kindness, warmth, intrigue, even gifts just because of how she looks. The attention is "positive" but she gets so much of it it makes her uncomfortable... and then they look me up and down like a freak of nature, refuse to acknowledge me, or aggressively misgender me in an obvious attempt to humiliate me. I get bullied or ignored everywhere I go. She gets kindness everywhere she goes. The obvious double standard based on appearances alone makes me hate people. People are soooo shallooowww. I am sorry you share this experience.

I have been drowning in regret over my hormone therapy and surgeries to masculinize, as well. I am sorry you feel so sad, my heart goes out to you. I hope you find some self acceptance and peace in time. I'm working on finding mine. Do you have medical insurance? I don't know where you live but depending on where you are, it's possible your insurance would cover breast augmentation for gender affirming care with a letter from a therapist. That might not help you at all, but that's what I'm working on right now. I am on Medicare and live in Oregon. I think that having my boobs back will return feelings of femininity I lost with my mastectomy. I am trying to present more androgynous and less feminine because dresses and stuff just make me look more manly by contrast and results in hatred and bullying from strangers. So if I present lightly butch, people are more comfortable with my existence and I look a little more dykey and less like a man in a dress. I'm praying that people will just think I'm a butch woman once I have boobs again. Its possible people will just think I'm a man with boobs, now. I can't undo all the masculinizing testosterone did. I wish I could help. I hope time will heal.