Tbh, a lot of the reason why I detransitioned is because I got to a point in my transition where I realized it wasn’t benefitting me anymore, it wasn’t bringing the inner self peace that I was so sure it would. I began seeing another therapist (not a gender one) & was diagnosed with CPTSD. It was difficult to accept that I transitioned solely because of unresolved trauma & I’m working on steps now to become my own person, outside of a gender lenses.

I’m not saying your issues are the same, but you mentioning your abuse & genital dysphoria does ring some alarm bells for me, as I felt similarly. Are you currently seeing a therapist or is therapy accessible to you? There’s nothing wrong with being a feminine man, a gay man, any kind of man & the abuse was not your fault. But I think it would be wise to start to unpack these feelings with someone if you aren’t doing so already. I think this should be your first step before deciding what to do about your transition.

Yes, I’d advise you to listen to your body & stop T asap. I started getting bad vaginal atrophy around 10 months after starting T, which my endo swore they hadn’t seen in someone as young & been on as little time as me. She offered a cream & said that I would most likely need a hysterectomy within the next year or so. That got me to start thinking about whether or not the inevitable outcome was worth it to me in the end. My dysphoria had begun to diminish in some aspects, but I started obsessing about my body more & the fact that it would never be cis male. The atrophy was one of the turning points in which I decided to stop hormones.

I’ve been off almost nine months & it has gotten better. It was never as bad as constant utis but I did have to get it checked a few months after stopping because I started having incontinence type issues, which I obviously did not have pre-T. It can’t be confirmed if T was the factor in this, but it can’t be ruled out either. I’ve asked several drs & they don’t know if it will eventually go away on its own or if it’s a permanent thing now. My T endo was surprised; again, said it was such a “rare” side effect that she hadn’t seen in her 100+ patients she has prescribed HRT to. :(

Admittedly the dryness aspect has gone away, it mostly has gone back to what it was before. I can’t say if the same will happen for you, but it will definitely improve. If you continue taking T, you’ll have to consider whether it’s worth it to get a hysterectomy sooner rather than later. I do agree that these effects of taking hormones are brushed off & we’re offered creams, surgeries. I feel that there needs to be more responsibility on prescriber’s end to detail the possibility of genital effects in a shorter timespan than anticipated, & that is not a simple fix like they want you to believe.

At this point I wouldn’t worry about anything gender related & just focus on trying to let your body heal. Give yourself time & space to decide how to move forward while your body repairs. Wishing you the best.

Oh god, seeing “man juice” again brings me back to this FB group I used to be a part of. It seemed like every other post called it that. Then of course they’d go on to say “boi”, “smol bean”, etc. It always rubbed me the wrong way- cis men don’t call themselves that. But I think what pissed me off more than anything was downplaying testosterone’s affects on the body- especially the atrophy. Pushing aside real medical issues such as painful orgasm (read about someone who was rushed to the er because of this), & saying that it’ll get better with a hysto. Yet, there’s hardly any mention of the fact that you are putting yourself into premature menopause & there are so many issues that go along with that. Just saying it’s alright to give hormones a try to see how you like it is glossing over the actual harm you will put your body through.

I started detransitioning right before quarantine happened but being alone with my thoughts helped solidify my decision to just live & accept myself as female. I believe the isolation has made it easier for a lot of people sit & reflect on their life; it has been a beneficial tool in that way. I find it interesting that she mentions feeling insecure with her body & going down this path at 14/15. I felt the exact same way & initially came out at 14. I wonder (especially for ftms) how common it is to start questioning, coming out, etc around that age. It was mentioned in the video's comments how girls are pressured into seeing & accepting their bodies as sexualized objects, which I agree with, almost causing a disconnect in the way you view yourself- ie body is separate from mind because it's "worth" something, possibly causing a dysphoria feeling? I'm just rambling on here now but it's telling that a lot of those feelings occur around then & at least from my experience, I found more info on trans discourse & was convinced I was really a guy in the wrong body at 14 vs learning about internalized misogyny & how to build up my self-confidence & self-esteem as female instead.

I explained I was a CSA and incest survivor and was still given a T prescription 20 minutes later at my clinic. They also later pushed to trade my trauma informed therapist to one of their “trans affirmative care” therapists, which I kept having to say no to. There is no informed consent when they prey on people who clearly have other issues that affect their ability to properly make decisions, especially ones with permanent consequences. And now I’m fighting to get hormone levels tested because I’m having a bunch of PCOS related symptoms. It’s insane how easy it for these people and clinics to damage lives.

In my case, I transitioned due to trauma. I had a mix of ptsd symptoms (finally got diagnosed with cptsd in 2019) alongside body dysmorphia which I had mistaken for gender dysphoria. The professionals I had seen prior to transitioning got it wrong as well, which is why I was given the green light for HRT. It’s worth mentioning that I had issues my entire life because of my family situation; my first suicide attempt was when I was 9 years old. I had been in therapy on & off for a decade, could never get to the real root of the trauma because it was so intertwined with gender. I had firmly & genuinely believed that so much of my pain was because I was in the “wrong body”, didn’t “feel” like a girl, etc., even years past when I was no longer living with my perpetrator. And because I was still a child/teen at the time, I didn’t realize that the trauma symptoms hadn’t been resolved. I thought that because I had been going to therapy, even getting along & what I thought was getting better, really wasn’t. Slowly building was the misguided belief that the only way to heal through the misery was to get the “right” body- everything would be better once I was seen for who I really am.

Fast forward to a couple years into adulthood, still not getting better. Hating myself for being female. As embarrassing as it is to admit this, I was so obsessed with my repulsion for myself that I couldn’t function. Couldn’t go back to school, couldn’t hold down a job, isolated myself. It was pathetic. But still I was convinced that it was finally the time to begin my transition. It was either that or death (a good reminder never to make life altering decisions in the middle of a mental breakdown), so I sought out therapy & began the process. The person I had seen saw that I was so distraught, they “joked” that they needed my emergency contacts in case something happened. Later, they tell me that it’s a “good” thing that I’m talking about myself in the third person, that essentially it means that I’m really trans. In retrospect, this should have been a red flag but I couldn’t see the signs because I was mentally ill. I had believed what this person told me- after all, they said they helped other trans clients before & had been a therapist for 18 years- I was just so grateful that I was finally being helped, that I could finally begin to live my life the way I always wanted to. I begin taking testosterone about 2 months after I start therapy, which was way too soon imo, but I hold myself accountable to this because I really thought I was going to die if I didn’t. (3rd attempt was 8-9 months prior to this, so again, I wasn’t mentally or emotionally healthy & I regret how stupid I was.)

Yet, I do well on T in the beginning. I’m able to look at myself in the mirror, heading back to school, getting out more & socializing, not be angry at myself anymore. This is the life I was meant to have! The first 6 months was solid. I begin to have little nagging doubts in the back of my mind after that, which was always met with “it’s okay to question yourself, everyone has doubts, it doesn’t mean you’re not trans”, & I believed it because I was a fool. After all, for the most part I WAS happy & I was functioning like a normal, productive human being. Isn’t that why I did this in the first place? So I didn’t have to be in pain anymore? I had begun consulting for top surgery when I start to have flashbacks of my childhood around the 1.25 year mark. I am so disturbed; these particular memories had never surfaced before. I try to shove them back down, but they keep appearing. Nightmares happen & visions of a little girl crying, heartbroken that I erased her. She doesn’t go away & the life I had made for myself doesn’t feel right anymore. It’s like my brain snapped- I started feeling sick at the changes T was bringing & when people used he/him pronouns. It was a huge wake up call that I needed to get serious help. Something wasn’t right with me.

I had dropped the therapist that gave me the T letter a few months after I started because I didn’t think it was beneficial anymore. I didn’t want to go back to the same one because I felt ashamed of what I had done & because I didn’t want them to give me the affirmation bullshit. I had make such a huge mistake & to realize all those years of therapy really did nothing for me was a huge slap in the face. How could I go on? I was hesitant to go back to therapy, but after not getting anywhere with self help books/online & the flashbacks & anxiety consuming my days, I realized I needed to find someone. I stop T after 1.5 years. I figure my life can’t get any worse than the permanent effects I had done to my body & I’m not with the program mentally, so I try to find a match with someone that could try to help me make sense of all the fuckery.

I was very lucky to find someone who is understanding of my situation, has actual trauma knowledge (especially of cptsd so he’s helped me realize what’s been going on with my brain so I can try to forgive myself), & isn’t too hung up on gender roles so isn’t keen on pressuring me to retransition. I have been going for a little over a year now & am miles ahead of where I’d ever thought I’d be. Slowly I am learning to accept my female sex & not feel as much repulsion as I once did. Starting to unravel the threads of what has been done to me, so I can separate that in realizing who I actually want to become. I have done mindfulness & a bit of radical acceptance to minimize the dysphoria I feel now from the effects of T. I also do a lot of CBT/DBT therapy to retrain my thoughts. Where I once was is not where I am now, nor will I be in the future. It helps to focus on my feelings as temporary, that although I still have my issues with my body & the regret of what I had done to myself to survive, I have to remember that I made it through. I’m still here & lucky to have a body that functions, keeps me alive. That’s really all that matters at the end of the day.

All of this was a very long winded answer of saying, yes, I certainly wouldn’t have transitioned if I had gotten the right help. But it isn’t that black and white; it’s the area in the gray that I ended up succumbing to. I had received therapy- alas, not the right kind for me, but you don’t realize that until you actually do start benefiting from therapy, which admittedly a lot of people don’t. It’s super hard to find someone who’s personality matches with yours, who you feel actually wants you to succeed & heal, & who has knowledge of your illnesses. Many therapists who say they’re trauma trained aren’t completely aware of the damage that cptsd does; many can’t even explain the difference between that and ptsd, or that it’s even a real diagnosis. Trauma distorts our perception, especially when it happens in early childhood. I know that I’m responsible for injecting myself with T, nobody held me hostage except my own mind, which again, is something I’m working on forgiving myself for every day. But I would also like to see more training for trauma for mental health professionals for people in general. So many people need those kind of services & the system isn’t adequate. It was easier & less expensive to get on hormones than a session. It is easy to just slap a bandaid on any kind of dis-ease & call it dysphoria. I agree people fall through the cracks; there’s not enough services to go around. I do believe if I had received the CBT therapy at a younger age with someone who took the time to truly understand me, I wouldn’t be where I am today. At the same time, I believe things do happen for a reason, so maybe all of that ineffective therapy prior to transitioning was actually teaching me a lesson. If I had to suggest to someone what to do before taking HRT, I can’t recommend CBT enough. Trying to reframe your thoughts, really get to the internal cause of what’s causing your dysphoria. Give it a solid 6 months-year, see if you’re not mixing it up with something else. Medical transition should only be reserved for those who truly cannot function without it, as a last resort. Try every other avenue you have available first. And don’t do anything in the middle of an emotional/mental crisis. You will regret it. Apologies for the novel length response.

Sorry, just trying to clarify- is your son ftm or mtf? You say he's a year into transition "doing the T"- do you mean he's taking testosterone?

Childhood abuse & trauma can certainly play a part in identity issues. You will find many people on here that have abusive backgrounds that transitioned because of this. This may or may not have fueled your son to transition- has he gone to therapy (not a gender affirming one)? I will say that from my personal experience unresolved trauma that I did not get adequate treatment for when I was a teenager WAS one of the reasons I transitioned. Now that I have begun receiving the help I needed all along, I am working through my issues & recently started detransitioning. CBT & DBT therapy has been beneficial & I know it has helped other detransitioners as well.

Considering that he seems to be doing worse, show him this page. Show him both sides & discuss therapy to rule out underlying issues. Being trans is a very difficult & isolating path; he needs someone to talk to. As for you, continuing being concerned, checking in on him, telling him that you love him & are there for him, etc. will make a world of difference. The support system will be crucial, as I'm sure you're already aware.

You're doing the right thing by being here & asking questions. Nobody could have told me any different at the time; I had to come to the conclusions for myself. This was a very painful & costly lesson, & unfortunately, some mistakes are just inevitable for us to make to grow by. It has been a long road, but there is hope.

Was slightly traumatic at my last gyno appt for similar reasons. Oddly enough they were more open & trying to push for me to get a prEP prescription than explaining my vaginal atrophy from T. I explained that I didn’t feel comfortable taking something that wasn’t tested enough on & designed for cis women’s bodies. Very ironic now that I think about it. Long term T isn’t designed for females either. But I’m not looking forward to going back & having to deal with all the walking on eggshells & not having a frank, honest discussion about what is going on with my body.

You do look so much freer now! Glad to hear you are recovering. I agree— my ED was all about control, not wanting my body to go through puberty really. It has taken me a lot of time to get past it & I still struggle with the obsessive thoughts sometimes, but it is a better life when I focus on other things that matter more. Thank you for sharing!

All I can say to this is I would advise you to stop taking T while you figure out your underlying feelings. Most trans circles will push the "you can be a man & wear makeup, etc!" narrative, but it isn't beneficial for those questioning. Speaking from my experience, I was 9-10 months on T where I suddenly got the urge to try makeup, when I never really felt like I wanted to experiment before...I put some on & was disappointed in the way I looked in the mirror. I had wanted to be a man, yes, but I felt like something was off. I was sad, but I couldn't register why. (Hint: because I am in fact female & I want to look like one. I want to look like my "natural" self.) I also started experimenting with lingerie & wishing I had my long hair again... I'm not saying this is your case at all, just that your doubts are valid & I wish I would have listened to my gut instead of echo chambers. It's perfectly fine to stop hormones & restart if you must down the road. Explore these feelings you have now. Try & present as a woman, examine your thoughts & go from there.