My journey with gender started from a place of deep unhappiness and confusion. For a long time, I didn't feel comfortable in my own skin. I was born female, and as I went through puberty, I began to hate the changes in my body, especially my breasts. I felt like they marked me as a victim, and I didn't want that. I saw the world in a very black-and-white way: women were weak and victimized, and men were aggressors. I didn't want to be either one, so the idea of being something else, something in between, was very appealing.

A lot of my struggle was tied up with other issues. I had, and still have, a lot of anxiety and depression. My self-esteem was very low. Looking back, I think a lot of my discomfort was actually with how society treats women, not with being a woman myself. I was trying to escape from that by trying to become something else. I also saw this pattern in my ex-partner. He became completely obsessed with his gender identity and crossdressing. It was like it consumed his entire personality; he stopped being the interesting, well-read person I knew and could only talk about trans issues. It was a very narrow and sad way to live.

I started to identify as non-binary. It felt like a solution at the time. I thought if I wasn't a woman, then the problems I associated with being a woman would go away. I was also influenced a lot by what I was reading online and by friends who were exploring similar identities. It felt like the right thing to do to fit in and finally be happy.

I considered medical transition. I thought about taking testosterone and getting top surgery. The idea of having a flat chest was very appealing to me because I hated my breasts so much. But I kept having doubts. I remember posting a comment to someone else, asking why they would rush into a major elective surgery if they had any doubts. I said there's no deadline, and you can always reschedule surgery, but you can never undo it. That was my own fear talking. I was giving advice that I needed to hear myself.

I decided to find a therapist who didn't have an agenda. I didn't want someone who would automatically affirm that I was trans; I wanted someone who would help me work on my other issues, like my depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem. That was the best decision I ever made. Through therapy, I started to understand that my "gender" feelings were a symptom of deeper problems. I was using the idea of transition as an escape from dealing with my trauma and my poor self-image.

I never ended up taking hormones or having any surgery. I am so grateful for that now. I worked through my issues and realized I am, and always was, a woman. I came to understand that my problem wasn't my body, but the way I saw myself and how I thought the world saw me. Letting go of the trans identity was hard, but it was a huge relief. I feel like I got myself back.

I don't regret exploring my gender because it led me to a deeper understanding of myself. But I do regret the time I lost being so consumed by it. I am now comfortable identifying as a lesbian woman. I think my previous rejection of being a woman was partly due to internalized homophobia; it was easier to think I wasn't a woman who loved women than to just accept that.

My thoughts on gender now are that it can be a distraction from more important psychological work. For me, it was a way to avoid my real problems. I benefited immensely from non-affirming therapy that helped me address my depression and anxiety directly. I am now infertile due to a separate health condition, and it makes me even more grateful that I didn't do anything medical to my body that I might have regretted.

Here is a timeline of my journey: