My journey with gender started when I was a teenager, around 15. I was deeply uncomfortable with my body, especially during puberty. I hated the changes and I felt a lot of anxiety and depression. I now realize a lot of this was just the normal awkwardness of growing up, mixed with some low self-esteem, but at the time I thought it meant I was born in the wrong body.

I spent a lot of time online and was heavily influenced by what I saw in trans communities. They offered an explanation for my feelings and a clear solution: transition. I started identifying as non-binary first, because it felt like a less scary step, but I was quickly encouraged to see that as just a starting point. My friends at the time were all very supportive of this identity, which pushed me further down the path. Looking back, I think I was using the idea of being trans as a form of escapism from my other problems.

I started testosterone when I was 19. I was sure it was the right thing to do. I liked the changes at first—my voice dropping, looking more masculine. It felt like I was finally becoming myself. But after a couple of years, the initial excitement wore off and I was left with the same underlying issues. The anxiety and depression were still there, just covered up by the hormones.

I never got any surgery. I'm thankful for that now. I did have top surgery scheduled at one point, but I canceled it. I had started to have doubts. I began seeing a new therapist who didn't just affirm my gender identity but actually asked me why I felt the way I did. This non-affirming therapy was the first thing that really helped me. We dug into my past and talked about my discomfort with puberty, my struggles with self-esteem, and how I used the internet to escape. She helped me see that my body wasn't the problem; my coping mechanisms were.

I realized I had internalized a lot of homophobia. I’m attracted to men, and I think on some level, becoming a straight man felt safer and easier than being a gay man. It was a way to avoid dealing with that part of my sexuality.

I decided to detransition about two years after starting testosterone. It was a scary process, coming to terms with the fact that I had made a huge mistake and that my body was permanently changed. My voice is permanently deeper and I have some facial hair that I have to manage. I am infertile now because of the hormones, which is a deep regret. I mourn the life I could have had.

I don't believe in gender identity anymore, not in the way it's talked about online. I think I'm just a human being who got very, very lost and was sold a solution that didn't fix anything. I regret transitioning. It caused me serious health complications and solved nothing. The only thing that helped was finally dealing with my mental health head-on, without the lens of gender.

I'm sharing this because I don't want others to make the same mistake I did. The online communities can be so convincing and so aggressive if you question anything. I was called names and attacked when I started to doubt, even by groups that claimed to be more rational. It’s a difficult path, but I’m finally starting to find peace with just being myself.