This story is from the comments listed below, summarised by AI.
Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious
Based on the provided comments, the account "ffta89" appears to be authentic. There are no serious red flags suggesting it is a bot or an inauthentic detransitioner/desister.
The user demonstrates:
- Personal, detailed narratives about their own transition, detransition, and therapy experiences.
- Consistent perspective that is highly critical of gender ideology while acknowledging the complexity of the issue.
- Emotional depth and vulnerability, including discussions of shame, fear, and personal struggle, which align with the stated passion and anger common in the community.
- Engaged conversation by asking for clarification, offering support, and providing specific advice to others.
The writing style is nuanced, self-reflective, and lacks the repetition or simplicity typical of automated accounts. The account presents as a genuine individual sharing their lived experience.
About me
I started feeling like I wanted to be a boy when I was very young because I was so uncomfortable with myself. In my early twenties, I began taking testosterone after discovering gender ideology online, which I thought was the answer to my depression and anxiety. I now realize I was using transition as a form of escapism from my real mental health issues. I stopped in my late twenties, but I'm left with permanent changes like a very deep voice that I regret. Today, I'm learning to accept myself as a woman, understanding that true happiness comes from working through my problems, not running from them.
My detransition story
My whole journey with transition started when I was really young. I remember telling myself I wished I was a boy back in elementary school because I hated how I looked and felt. I was deeply uncomfortable with myself, but back then, I knew it wasn't possible to actually change my sex, so I just tried to live with it.
Things got more complicated as I got older. I struggled with depression, anxiety, and really low self-esteem. I hated my body, especially my breasts, and I felt completely disconnected from being a woman. When I was around 19, I discovered online communities and learned about gender ideology. It felt like an answer to all my problems. I became convinced that I was actually a man and that transitioning would finally make me happy and whole. It was a form of escapism for me, a way to run from all the pain I was in.
I started socially transitioning in my early 20s. I changed my name and asked people to use male pronouns. I was so sure of myself that I even argued with a therapist who told me she didn't think I was trans. I shut her down completely, saying, "Who are you to tell me what my gender is?" I realize now that I desperately needed someone to challenge my thinking, but at the time, I wouldn't listen to anyone.
I took testosterone for several years. It lowered my voice permanently, which is something I now regret. My voice is so low that it causes problems for me. If I'm dressed in androgynous clothing, people sometimes think I'm a male-to-female trans person, which makes me feel unsafe. I worry about being targeted for violence.
I never had top surgery or bottom surgery. I'm thankful for that now, as my feelings about my body have changed. I started to realize that transitioning wasn't the solution I thought it was. It was more like a denial of who I really am, not an acceptance. I was trying to force an outcome that was never going to make me truly happy. I began to detransition in my late 20s.
Looking back, I see that a lot of my desire to transition was tied to my mental health struggles. I have since been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and OCD, and I suspect I am also autistic, though I had to ask for that assessment myself—no therapist ever picked up on it. My transition was a way to cope with these underlying issues, not a genuine expression of a male identity.
I don't believe people are born with a "gendered soul" or that it's possible to truly feel like the opposite sex. My ideas of what it meant to be a man were just stereotypes built from my perspective as a female. Transitioning felt like a desperate attempt to fix my problems, similar to how I used heroin to escape my depression. Both were quick fixes that caused more harm than good.
I do have regrets about transitioning, especially the permanent changes to my voice. I also regret how I treated people who questioned my decision. I wish I had listened more and been less defensive. I now believe that if I had never heard about gender ideology, my feelings of discomfort probably would have been temporary. Instead, transitioning solidified them into a long-lasting delusion.
I don't think transition is necessary for anyone. I wonder if people who say it saved their lives might have found other ways to resolve their pain if different support had been available. My best friend is a trans man who says transition saved his life, but he is still highly suicidal and often hospitalized. It makes me question how much it really helped.
Now, I am trying to accept myself as a woman, even though it's still hard sometimes. I focus on the things I can change, like my hairstyle or my glasses, to feel more comfortable in my skin. I've learned that there are no quick fixes for happiness—it's a slow process of personal growth.
| Age | Event |
|---|---|
| ~8-10 | Felt early discomfort in puberty, wished I was a boy |
| 19 | Discovered gender ideology online, became convinced I was trans |
| Early 20s | Started social transition (new name, pronouns) |
| Early 20s | Argued with a therapist who questioned my trans identity |
| Early 20s | Began taking testosterone |
| Late 20s | Began detransitioning, stopped testosterone |
| Present | Living as a woman again, dealing with permanent voice changes |
Top Comments by /u/ffta89:
I don't think you would "regret" detransitioning. You might decide it's not actually what's best for you after trying but I don't think you'd be doing any irreversible damage by stopping hormones, having some people call you by your old name, etc. If it sucks worse than now then you can always go back.
I think you kind of touched on the answer already. Your current goal is impossible and you have realized this. Understanding this truth, that you are male, is the key to feeling better. Transitioning is not self acceptance, it's self denial. Maybe you need to do a lot of thinking about why you feel disconnected from your male-ness. I can't speak to your reasons especially since I'm a woman and our reasons seem to differ from that of MTF.
Trying to force an outcome that just doesn't want to happen is very stressful. You're constantly plugging holes in a sinking boat. Not just with gender stuff but life in general.
I don't agree that people "know they're trans". Some people don't feel at home in their gender or whatever but I don't think people can "know" they are something when that something has so much evidence to be temporary. I don't think people choose to be trans exactly but I definitely don't believe in gendered souls to where it's inevitable that someone would transition. It's so interesting that something people claim to be super highly scientific/biological hinges so critically to a spiritual concept.
I'm of the opinion that starting transition, social or otherwise, fucks up the temporary nature of these feelings. If I hadn't transitioned, if I hadn't heard about gender ideology, I most likely would have never had such a long lasting delusion. I hated myself a lot as a kid (still do sometimes) for how I am, how I look, everything. I definitely told myself I wish I was a boy in elementary school. But I knew back then that it just wasn't possible. Fast-forward about ten years and that logic disappeared with all the fancy therapist-speak about the philosophy of gender. It is possible if you pretend enough and make everyone else around you pretend with you!
Transitioning was a desperate attempt to feel whole and accepted. Very similar to how I used heroin to escape my depression and anxiety. These things are incompatible with our goals but in desperation it feels like the only option. There's no quick fix for happiness or your personal development. That's something you learn with age after making mistakes. But society is making a pretty normal teen development thing into something way harder to come back from.
I know that these feelings feel like forever. They'll never change because it's who I am! But it's just not true. My depressive bipolar episodes feel like this is the rest of my life but I know from experience that it's not forever. I had a suicide attempt when I was convinced it would never get better. Thankfully that failed and I've been able to learn that feelings aren't facts.
Anyway, I'm rambling. OP, I challenge you to challenge the gender ideology you've accepted as true. Dismantling the core concepts I think should be helpful. When the option of transition sounds ridiculous/impossible/irrational I think it puts people in a better position to remedy the issues causing the incongruence. Cuz if I can make the issues disappear instead of slowly healing them, most people will choose the former. Not having that option forces us to grow.
Unfortunately, the answer is time. I also had dysphoria when I was really young but it was the early 90s and I couldn't Google that kind of stuff. Whether it's Google or an LGBT community center though, something informed you of this option.
I really think you should be questioning that identity. What makes you so sure it's "real"? What does it actually mean to feel like a girl? And how would a boy know how that feels?
What I compare this to is.. I live in a three dimensional world. I can learn about the concepts of further dimensions. I can even say I identify with six dimensions more than the three of our world. But the fact remains I am in three dimensions. I have no way of knowing exactly how the sixth would be because my entire perspective has always been in three. When we try to show what adding a fourth dimension would be like in math, we know it is not an exact representation. It is a 3D representation of 6D. There is no way for me as a female to know what it feels like to be male. My ideas of what it means to be male are built up on my reality of being female.
I even had a therapist tell me she didn't think I was trans. All I had to say was "who are you to tell me what my gender is?" and that was enough. This was 2008. Now she'd lose her credibility in the LGBT community or maybe even her job if she said that to someone. I needed someone that knew what they were talking about to challenge my thinking. Otherwise yeah I was convinced it would make me happy so I was gonna do it.
What do you mean by RLE? All I saw was something about getting a new lens on your eyeball?
I'm super confused. Can someone give me more context?
What is "the other detrans" sub? I think I understand trans medical but are you thinking of detransitioning? But still taking estrogen? I'm so sorry, I'm not trying to be offensive. I really just want to understand. Reading the other comments, it feels like I'm missing some core concepts cuz I'm lost.
Lol. No one knows what they're actually talking about anymore.
If no one can tell someone's gender by looking at them then the question "what gender do I look like?" Is completely nonsensical. And if sex is a made up concept like people are saying then no one looks like a boy or a girl. It turns into a very silly paradox. Makes me think that even trans people don't believe what they're saying.
This is something that scares me. My look is obviously feminine but my voice is so low now. I have to compensate for the voice with the rest of my looks. If I'm wearing something more androgynous, my voice makes people think I'm MTF. It makes me feel very unsafe. MTF individuals face more violence from what I've seen. And what happens if someone attacks me thinking I'm MTF then finds out I have a vagina? Rape is what comes to mind. I'm probably being a little dramatic but it really does scare me.
One of my best friends is FTM and he's always been understanding of that experience more than other trans people. However I was trying to talk to him about it in the context of this going off the rails, especially on the Internet and especially for young people. He actually asked me "but why does this matter to you?" I was actually shocked. He's never had that kind of response with me before. It felt like the "trans issues are only trans people's business" stance and I wasn't expecting it from him. Cuz I'm not just some random bystander with no stake in anything. No one really is but especially not someone who transitioned at the same time as him like I did.
I mostly agree but I dont think you can get gender affirming surgery by just paying for it with no diagnosis. Maybe you can, I don't know. I doubt there are many millionaires deciding to get vaginoplasty on a date. So it's a little different from regular cosmetic surgery in that way.
And I don't care what other people do with their bodies. It sucks that society has created this monster of medical escapes, like you're saying. But I do care when these adults decide they know what's best for children they've never met and encourage them to alter their bodies etc. kind of just to reinforce their delusions.
I guess I mean to say that I think there is an overall increase in artificially changing ourselves to fix emotional issues vs years past. Probably cuz of misogyny, the internet, capitalism.. lol. But I see the transgender fix as particularly damaging. It's kind of up there in terms of long term consequences.
It's okay. I totally understand why you would delete the conversations, I hate reminders of things I'm embarrassed or ashamed of. It would be awesome to make them pay for their mistakes but sometimes you have to let it go. I don't mean forgive them but accept that you can't do anything about the situation anymore.
I've had a couple terrible therapists. One of them kicked me out of her office after I called her out on something shitty she was doing, then charged me for a missed appointment even though I cancelled on time. She was incredibly petty. I tried to file a complaint, utilize patient's rights, talk to the director just to address the bogus charge... No one would speak to me. She likely made up shit about me being crazy and a liar so they wouldn't talk to me. It never got taken care of and I eventually just paid the bill cuz it was going to be more trouble than it was worth. But that felt awful. I spent a lot of mental energy hating her. But after a while I just had to let it go cuz it was never going to be remedied.
I do hope to one day speak with her again and tell her that what she did was fucked. Maybe that's something you could consider in the future, directly communicating to your old therapist how and why what they did was irresponsible and unethical. There won't be professional consequences but your perspective will be heard, they will be forced to respond to you.